Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, May 02, 2005
On Friday, I was doing a little surfing online, checking out a few of my favourite sites that I like to visit (on this occasion Eros Blog) when I came across a site that inspired my lust. (Apparently it can happen without Mac!) I guess this one goes right back to my early experiences with self-pleasure.
The first orgasm I can remember having was in the bathtub. I was lying on the bottom of the bathtub while it filled up, my legs were up on the side of the bath and the water from the tap was landing on my tummy at first, then I moved so it was lower and I wriggled around a bit because it felt nice, then it felt nicer, then it felt really nice and I didn't understand. Then it felt so sensitive that it hurt. I don't exactly know how old I was but I don't think I had yet made it to ten. I do know that I did it again the next night and the next and every night after that I could. It became a race to see if I could make myself feel that good before the water got too deep and I had to sit up. On the nights that I didn't come, I would be very disappointed in myself and I knew that I had disappointed 'Him', that imaginary mean dark dominant male type. He used to punish me by making me lay under the tap until I came. Often I would make myself lie there even after I had come, the water hitting my sensitive clitoris, (though I had no clue that is what it was,) my body convulsing, biting my lip while it hurt. I thought I deserved the pain. I knew I was a dirty little girl.
Later, when I was older, there was the summer that my cousin (who was younger than me) taught me how to use the pool cleaner hose to make myself come while I was in the pool. If you just straddled the hose, and closed your legs around it, the vibrations were enough to do the job.
Even today, I like to masturbate in the shower, face pressed against the wall while I direct water from the showerhead to my clitoris. It still works fast and can make me come so hard that I have trouble standing up straight when I am done. I still often think about that Him and if someone were in the bathroom when I masturbated they would probably hear me saying things like 'Yes Sir', 'please Sir', 'no Sir,' and 'good girl.'
So I guess it should not be surprising that when I came across a site called WaterBondage.com I got a little thrill just from the name. The site itself though did very little for me, I guess because to see the best bits you have to pay. Then again, for me sex is not really about torture, sex is about two people interacting, bringing each other pleasure, and tying a girl up and leaving her alone underwater just doesn't work for me. There was something that caught my eye though.
There is a short video clip on the front page, top left hand corner that shows a girl in a square spa type tub with her hands tied to opposite corners. She is lying on her belly and being fucked from behind by a machine. The machine is another of those things that leaves me cold. There is no interaction there. The machine is just so impersonal. Still it left me thinking and later as I got on with my day it was still there in the back of my mind only by now the girl was me and the machine was that dark nasty dominant Him.
When I found myself in the bedroom it was so easy just to stand at the edge of the bed with my face against the cool of the duvet, my panties around my ankles and my hand between my legs. I thought some more about it, how it would feel, the rising panic as He pushed His cock into me forcing my face under the surface and the fear that would fill me when I opened my mouth to scream and water rushed in instead of air. I thought about the struggle to get enough oxygen and I thought about His cock spilling hot semen into me while the rest of me ached with the cold. My knees buckled and I came. It had taken probably less then two minutes all told.
As I stood and took my hand from between my legs, the back of my hand brushed against my thigh and it took a moment for me to properly register that I had felt a wetness there. I had to put my hand back down to feel again and this time when I did, I felt horribly embarrassed even though I was the only one home. I hadn't simply just come, I had gushed. I must have because there were juices everywhere even though my panties had not been wet when I had pulled them down. I had been thinking about sex, but not overly turned on and even in masturbating it had been more for a tension release then actual pleasure or I would have made myself much more comfortable and kept it going for a while.
I was blushing and I felt awful about it. I went into the bathroom and cleaned up all the evidence and I am not sure why I felt a need to do that. I just know that I felt that it was wrong. I finished getting the house into some order then I sat and waited and hoped that Mac would call or log on. He did and we talked and He didn't see why I was feeling so unsure about it all. Although He didn't see my imagery as a turn on He thought it hot that I had found it one. He saw nothing wrong with it making me gush like that. I still cant quite work out why I do. I have thought of worse things and not been embarrassed, but when I think about this, it still makes me feel a little nervous. I feel guilty and that is not a good way to feel.
Perhaps it is because I actually really enjoyed it without Mac being here and Mac was not at all a part of it. Usually He is in some way. I would have to say that most of the time Mac is the reason that I come. Normally the big bad dom at the very least has a Welsh accent, but this time, there was no consciousness of that 'Him' at all other then to know 'He' was there and the hot spilling of His cock. Though at other times when Mac is not at all involved, it doesn't bother me the way this one is doing now.
So maybe it was because that there is a part of me that still sees self-pleasure as a punishment, and not something that I should get enjoyment from at all. Perhaps enjoying it still makes me feel like a dirty little girl and when I told Mac, there was a part of me that wanted Him to reject me for it. There was a part of me that wanted Him to be mad at me for making myself come without Him. He wasn't at all upset, of course. I have always taken care of myself when I felt like it. Mac encourages me too. He likes it when I come a lot if He is here or if He is away. He likes me to be in a state of sexual arousal even if He is not around to reap the benefits. He figures He will be back to enjoy it soon enough.
I know Mac would say that I am thinking too much about this and He is probably right. I guess though, if I think about this, I don't have to face up to the fact that He is still not here with me. I talked to Him for an hour last night. We think He should be home some time tomorrow.
I refuse to fall apart with a day to go.