I miss Him. It's just a few days, but I miss Him. I wake up in the morning and I feel less rested because He is not there. Before He left, we both felt very close to each other. "Never been closer, have we?" He said. I agreed.

And since He has been away, since He kissed me goodbye, then came back and kissed me again, we have continued to be so close. I get excited when He calls. I get to talk to my best friend. I tell Him the little things, the cute things, the wonderfully normal things the kids have done. I tell Him what the valley looks like in the morning. He tells me about the strange places, the different customs of the people He is dealing with.

I remember once, when He was away from me, before we had the babies, He called me and said He had dinner with a beautiful American girl. He said He was captivated by her, that she had stolen His attention all night and he had been a little sad to say goodnight to her. And just when I thought I could reach through the phone and strangle Him, He added that she had drooled through her dinner and spit up a bit when she was done. She was 6 months old. The man assigned to Mac as a guide had asked Him to dinner and Mac had only agreed if his wife and the baby came too. He was tired of male company I think, but it ended up being the baby whose company He enjoyed the most.

On the weekend, Mac was sitting on the couch watching the rugby, with Sarah Jane snuggled up on one knee and Nicholas on the other both sound asleep. I asked Him if He wanted me to move them, considering this was a rugby match, 'the' rugby match and He looked at me like I was a little mad. I think being there, with the two of them, watching rugby, He was content, really content. He always says it is the simple things. I sat down and snuggled up next to Him to watch the rugby too. The things He loves the most were all within His reach.

He misses us when He is away. I think it is much worse for Him. At least I have the kids to cuddle with and to keep me out of trouble.

We really are just a normal loving family.

He comes home to us tomorrow. He had better be prepared to be kissed!

A few weeks ago, I found a dogging website. I was surprised when I read about it. I didn't know.

Dogging has nothing to do with dogs. Apparently dogging is going to a place, a public place, a well known place, often advertised on the internet, to have very public sex. They are usually car parks, near public parks, so somewhat secluded. Couples park there, and have sex with each other while other people watch and are sometimes invited to participate. There is quite a large dogging network in the UK.

I told Mac about it, because it surprised me and He teased me about it for a while. Then we hit our period of sexual disinterest. To get it back, here is what Mac wrote to me in email:


Imagine we are in a bar, drinking, bantering with some guys there. Guys like the ones from your story you would like to be around. (A very violent and non-consensual story I wrote recently.)
Imagine the banter gets more sexual, more serious.
You are animated, sparkling at the male attention.
One of them says to me 'OK how much for an hour with her?'
I look at you. You look quizzically back, alert for my answer.
'Hmmmm I say....10 bucks. Each.'
'DONE' he laughs.
'Don't I get a say here?' you retort.
'Of course not. You are mine to do with as I please.'

15 minutes later you are astonished to find yourself at my car, in the dark lot.
You are being kissed by one of them, your tongue in his mouth.
A second is pressed against your back, his erection digging into you.
The third is unlocking the car.

Tell me what happens...EVERTHING that happens...in the next 45 minutes or so, before the four of you appear back in the bar in various degrees of dishevelment, with your hand out to me demanding your share of the 30 bucks.

Tell me everything.
Make it what makes YOU wet and aching for it, rather than what you think will arouse me most. Make it so that YOU wish it could happen RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Meanwhile I will think how it would be if it were written for MY arousal
Let's see how they compare.


And my response was:

It is cold in the car park, I can feel my nipples hard beneath my shirt and I am not sure if it is because of the cold or because of the two guys that I am between. I can feel a cock digging into my arse cheek. I can taste the guy in front of me, the beer he has drunk, as he breathes into my mouth and sucks on my tongue. I am touching his face, moaning softly, stroking the thigh of the guy behind as he kisses my neck. I have vague reservations. Good girls don't. Good girls are not sold for $30and if they are, good girls don't enjoy it, but I am enjoying this, this feeling of being between these two guys. I hear the door unlock and I don't want the kissing to stop. I like the kissing. I want to kiss him for a long long time.

"Fuck. You guys hurry up. I am freezing my balls off."
The guy sucking my neck chuckles, which sends a shiver down my spine.
"In the car, sweetheart." One says.
I go to get into the back of the car, but I am stopped by a hand on my shoulder.
"Take your panties off first. It will be easier out here."

I stop and look around, aware that there could be people around. Being groped is one thing, undressing is another. I blush.

"Do it." He says.

I reach down and pull my panties off, feeling more heat flood my cunt. I stand up again and quickly look around before holding them out. One of them takes them and puts them in his pocket. I stand there for a moment longer.

"Get in the car." One says. And I do.

I crawl into the car, aware that they can see up my skirt. I blush thinking of them looking. I love knowing they are looking. I turn over, onto my back and wait, listening to them discuss who is going first. Brad says he doesn't mind waiting. Chris says he wouldn't mind going first, because he is pretty sure that he could go again if she is any good. Scott says he doesn't mind as long as he gets his end away. Chris it is.

His erection was pressing against me when he was sucking my neck. He unzips his pants outside the car and he climbs onto the seat. My skirt is pushed up. I hook one leg onto the back of the front seat as Chris climbs between my legs. His has a hold of his cock, stroking it. I shift a little and reach a hand down between my legs, opening my cunt. He growls. I smile. I like making him growl.

He moves over me, I take his cock and guide it into me and groan when it enters me. I take his face in my hands and drag his mouth down onto mine and push my tongue between his lips. He growls again. I squeeze my cunt. He growls. I wrap my legs around his hips and moan into his mouth. He growls.

I keep squeezing my cunt, loving the feel of him inside me, thrusting up my hips with my heels in his back so he can get further and further inside me.

He grunts and spurts, growling into my mouth. God. God. God.

He rests on me, his whole body laying on me, all of his weight. I can't breathe properly but I don't care, I can feel his cock softening, slipping from me. I squeeze trying to keep it in. He slides out anyway.
I hear Brad and Scott talking.

"Look at the spunk dripping down her ass." Scott says.
"Christ. I want to fuck that." Brad says.
"I am next." Scott says.
"Ok. I can wait." Brad says.

Chris starts to climb off me and I reach up and touch his face again and pull him back for another kiss. He smiles. He moves out of the car. I miss him. I want him back.

For a moment I feel lonely but then Scott is kneeling in the car.

"Undo your top and get your tits out." He says.

I unbutton my top and undo my bra. My nipples harden further under the scrutiny of Scott's stare. He leans over me. I wait to feel his cock pressing into my cunt and am surprised when instead his mouth is at my breast, his weight still on his knees. He suckles and then pulls my nipple out between his teeth. I suck in my breath as it goes straight to my cunt. He looks at me when he hears it. Then he bites. I gasp, almost sob and his eyes widen. He bites harder. I scream. He lets it go and then his mouth is down on my breast again. He takes the other in his mouth and bites it until I scream.

"For fuck's sake, Scott, you will have everyone over here." Brad says.
"So?" Scott says and he laughs.

He leans over and kisses me, biting my lip. He pushes his cock into me, thrusting immediately. I struggle under him. It seems to turn him on. He grabs my hair. He bites my neck, hard, harder. All his thrusts are hard and deliberate. I don't want to kiss him. I am afraid he will bite my tongue. I am a little afraid of him. My cunt is slick from Chris's spunk and slicker still from the pain. My clitoris is throbbing with a heartbeat of its own. I try to get my hair out of his grasp and it hurts. He jerks my hair, he likes to hurt me. He likes being in charge. He likes being in me on his terms. I lust that he wants it like that.

He puts a hand around my throat. He presses on it. I find it hard to draw breath. He watches me closely, very intensely. I have to look into his eyes. He keeps thrusting, thrusting, thrusting. My vision blurs and darkens at the edges. I try to whimper, to let him know it is too much but I also feel the heat grow in my cunt. There is a rushing noise in my ears. My body spasms. My cunt clenches. I come, hard, writhing, desperate for air, full of the orgasm. His thrusts become harder. Much harder. It hurts me. I still can't get air. I struggle more. The world gets blacker. My eyes roll back. He grunts, he grunts hard. His spunk spurts into my cunt. I squeeze, I can't help it, even as the world slips away.

Then suddenly I can breathe again. I suck in huge gulps of air and it makes me cough. I don't realise Scott is gone until the coughing stops. I lay back, suddenly exhausted. The fight for oxygen and the orgasm have left me feeling drained.

But there is still Brad and he is leaning into the car looking in.

"Turn over, girl." He says.
"What?" I ask, unsure what he means.
"Turn over onto your hands and knees."

I struggle to move, there isn't much room. I manage to get onto my knees. My shirt is open, my tits hanging down. I cough again.

I feel Brad climb onto the car seat behind me. It can't be comfortable. There is not much head room for him. I can feel him hunched over. He slides his body along my back. His cock is hard and springy. I shift myself back against him, positioning him against my cunt. His voice is at my ear.

"Reach back, girl. Guide me into your arse."
I gasp. "I can't." I whisper.
"Do it." He says.

My hand slides down beneath me. I can feel the all the spunk leaking from my cunt. I catch some on my fingers and reach back further to slide it over his cock. His breath catches in my ear and I stroke it again.

"Stop fucking around." He growls. "Get it in your arse."

I guide his cock to my arse and hold it against me. He pushes. I push back against him.

"Oh God." I moan. "Oh god." I feel it, pressing in. Pressing, pressing. I feel the head pop into me. I groan, a long low groan of lust. "Oh God. Please. Oh god."
"You love it don't you?" he growls into my ear. "You love it, you dirty ass fucked whore. Tell me you wanted it. Tell me."
"I want it." I groan.
"Tell me what you want, girl." His hand is at my throat, his body mounted on me, his cock still moving deeper into my arse.
"I want to be arse fucked. I want it." I sob.
He bites my shoulder, licks it and bites it again. I cry out as he pushes deeper.
"I want to be arse fucked, please?" I sob again.

The door in front of me opens and I am surprised. I look up and see Chris standing there undoing his pants.

"Your cunt is dripping spunk onto my car seat." He says.
"I am sorry." I moan. I feel so full.
"Don't worry. You will lick it up before we let you go."
I moan again and then Chris's cock is in front of me. He grabs my hair.
"Suck it." He says and he guides my mouth onto his cock.
I take it in my mouth and I can taste my cunt and his spunk on it. I moan again. He rocks his hips to push it into and out of my mouth. He keeps pushing it too deep making me choke. He grins when I cough. Brad grunts when I cough.

"Harder." Brad says to Chris. "Fuck her mouth harder."

Chris complies until I am gagging on every thrust. Brad is biting my shoulder and grunting in my ear. Chris is grunting. Suddenly I feel fingers in my cunt, thrusting up deeply into me. I think it must be Scott. I hope it is Scott and not some stranger.

Chris spurts, pushing his cock deep into my mouth. I cough, choking, trying to swallow, trying not to throw up, trying to breath. The fingers in my cunt are removed and then my clitoris is tightly pinched. I cry out even while choking. I try to move away from the pain but the fingers hang on.

Chris takes his cock out of my mouth and he wipes it on my face and hair before putting it away. Brad is still deep in my arse though his breathing is laboured, heavy in my ear. My clitoris is throbbing hurting.

"Oh god." I moan. "Oh god it hurts. Please. God it hurts."
I come again, hard again.

Brad feels the contractions on his cock. It is enough to tip him over the edge.
He grunts and then growls in my ear. I groan with him. His orgasm belongs to me. He bites into my shoulder again and I turn my head as far as I can and his tongue slips into my mouth as the last of the spunk is sucked from his cock.

"God." I whisper as his cock slips from my arse. "God." He leans into me, squashing me onto the seat. I want him to stay over me. I like his weight on me. It makes me feel safe.
I hear you outside the car.

"Times up, guys. Did you enjoy her?" You say.
"She was worth the ten bucks." Chris says.
"You would say that." Scott says. "You got to cum twice."
"You should have put your hand up first." I can hear the smirk in Chris's voice.
"You want to use her again?" You ask Scott.
"Yeah. I wouldn't mind fucking her throat."
"She has to clean up my car seat first." Chris says. "I told her she would."
"Then she will certainly do that." You say.

Brad has climbed off me and now that you are there I am eager to get to you. I know you like it when the spunk is hot inside me. You look in the car and see me doing up my bra.

"Leave it." You say. "Come out here."
I leave my tits out and I move out of the car. I am blushing, head bowed, standing before all of you with my breasts out, spunk running down my thighs.
"Get on your knees, Sarah." You say.
I look at you. I am stunned.
"Do it." You say.
I kneel down, the rocks dig into me.
"Go for it." You tell Scott. "This one is on me."

Scott steps up and unzips his pants. He grabs my hair and rubs his cock over my face, waiting for it to harden. When it is hard, he forces it past my lips and I look up at you, helplessly. You just watch.

Scott is mean, cold, he forces his cock into my throat until my head is pushed back against the car. Then pulls back out then does it again. When he knows how far he has to thrust, he lets go of my hair and just pushes into my mouth, making the back of my head bang against the car. MY hands come up to defend myself. I push against his thighs but he ignores me. I am choking on his cock, coughing and my head is banging against the car. My hands slide around his arse to pull him in further, to make it harder for him to thrust as hard. It doesn’t work. It just makes him go deeper. My throat is burning.

He grunts and comes, growling as he spurts his load into me. He pulls away and I fall forward, coughing into the ground, spunk spraying from my lips.
"Brad?" You ask. "Did you get two?"
"Nah." Says Brad. "I don't think I could."
"Get up, Sarah." You say and you hold out your hand to help me from my knees. "The car seat?" You ask Chris.
"Yes. I want her to lick it clean." Chris says.
I look at you.
"Do it." You say to me.

I turn around and lean over the seat. I am crying big fat silent tears. You can all see under my skirt, all see the spunk glistening on my thighs as my tongue licks at the seat.

"Maybe I could, after all." Brad says. "But I want her like this."
"Ok." You say and suddenly Brad is behind me, pulling me from the car and pressing me face first against it. I don't even have time to realise what is going on before he has impaled me on his cock. He throws this fuck into me, his hands squeeze my tits. I don't enjoy it. There isn't time. I am just the thing he has his cock inside. He comes quickly and drops me again.

"Well." You say. "You guys owe me $30." They each reach into their wallets and hold out the money. You take it and tuck it into your pocket. "Clean yourself up." You say to me.
I do up my bra and my top. I stop and I look at you. Then I look away.
"What is wrong?" You say.
"My panties." I whisper.
"Where are they?"
Brad takes them from his pocket and goes to hand them over.
You shrug. "Keep them." You say to him. "Think of her when you jerk off."
I am horrified again as I watch Brad smile at me and put them back into his pocket.
"I would pay another $10 to have her again." Scott says.
"Not tonight, boys. It's my turn to have her." You say.
"What about tomorrow night?” Brad asks.
"Give me your number." You say. "I will call when I want her used again."

I listen as you take their numbers and I hide behind my hair. When you are done, you take my arm and lead me away.

This is Mac's version.

She glared at Mac for being so arrogant as to sell her for so little, but she felt herself turn to liquid between her legs and she thought 'Fuck him! I will fucking GO with them. See how he likes THAT'. So she did

Outside it was different. She wasn't so brave. But GOD it was hot.
The guys weren't quite so brash either. None of them really knew what to do and it was a relief from the awkwardness by the car when the one called Brad almost made her giggle by saying gauchely 'ok then let's have a kiss.' So she did

But the kiss changed it all

He was rough cheeked and tasted of whiskey and cigarettes which she usually didn't like but his tongue entered her mouth almost shyly and in spite of herself and to her surprise her knees buckled and he had to hold her up.

Her knees buckled! At being KISSED! It was so ludicrous she almost laughed again.
They stood awkwardly and she wanted the kiss to go on and she felt it started to end and she knew if it did that it would be all over, just a brief prank, all back to the pub laughing at the joke that almost went too far. So she didn't let it end. She moved just so slightly so that her groin moulded with Brads and she was feeling his erection against her pussy and she melted into him and suddenly there was huge passion.

The car door opened and she had forgotten the others and she and Brad were on the back seat and kissing still, deep licking tongue kisses and he was pulling her tee shirt over her head and seemed to be able to do it with his tongue still in her mouth and she was fumbling at his belt and somehow had his pants down over his ass and she was aware of his cock hard against her and somehow her pants were off and her skirt was up and she was winding her legs round him and....the sound she could hear was her low moan and his.

She felt warmth and wetness against her tummy.

Then he was inside her.

She pulled him against her and grunted and touched his face and his hair and he was inside her and she was aware he was shuddering and that the wetness on her tummy was his orgasm which started before he was in her and it was over in seconds and she laughed because it was and...it was utterly, totally, unbelievably wonderful, that he had wanted her so much he had started to come even before he was in her.

He slumped. His head was on her shoulder. She stroked his head. There was silence.

She half expected the others to laugh, it was over so quickly. But they didn't. The silence of their lust was deafening. She wanted more but she wanted Brad to stay on her.

He eventually moved. Looked at her.

'Wow,' he said. And she knew then that was the first time he had ever come so quickly and she was so proud and she adored him.
'Wow. Yes.' was all she could say.

Then he was out of the car and he was replaced and she was thrown completely. Scott was there between her legs and thrusting and she could feel his cock in her but all she could see was Brad watching sadly from outside.

Scott fucked her hard. He slapped her face and her tits and spat on her and normally she would have loved it, and actually her cunt did respond and she did orgasm but she had no desire to kiss him or hold him and when he came she was glad it was over.

She expected Chris then but brad came back to her.
He wasn't hard but he kissed her.
He broke away and whispered to her.
'What about Chris shall I send him away?'
'What do you want?' she replied. 'Shall I please him? I will if you like.'
'Best you do.' he said briefly.
So she did.
She turned. Smiled at Chris. 'Well?'
He was into the car instantly. Obviously he had expected to miss out. She laughed to herself and let him kiss her, and started to unzip him.
He was only young.
'Will you suck me?' he asked.
She actually was pleased. After Scott the only man she wanted inside her was Brad.
She slid down and knelt on the car floor and took him in her mouth.
As she expected it was quick.
She licked him and cooed and gasped and held his balls and made all the sounds she knew men loved and he came in shuddering spurts, so much that she could feel it on her chin and her tits, and she finished him like a good good girl and kept him there until she knew he was done and she bore the taste and feeling of the semen as usual and when she pulled away she smiled up and him and said 'that was gorgeous, thank you.'

Then there was just Brad.

He was hard again.

His cock was up against his tummy and still on her knees she started to lick it.

'God,' he said, 'that's hot.'

She didn't know if he meant hot sexy or hot spunky and she giggled but didn't tell him why.

She stayed there with him for another two hours.

The others were long gone.

He fucked her mouth and her cunt and her ass.

He slapped her like Scott had done and she cried.

He knelt between her legs to fuck her and spat on her face and her tits and when he slapped her mouth the spit that flew was speckled with blood and she cried and sobbed and thought that she would pass out with pleasure.

Every time he came she thought it was over.

But each time he held her after and talked to her and made her laugh and stroked her hair and she would gently leave her hand nestled on his cock and his balls and wait and hope for a stirring, and three times there was and he would fuck her again, taking longer each time to come so that she was sore and aching and .......she could have gone on all night.

When Mac came for her she was torn. She wanted to stay and she wanted to be taken away. Most of all though she wanted to have the choices made for her.

And her Male chose for her.

'Say goodbye to Brad' he said

So she did.


I wonder how people think they compare.

I write out the dark stuff. I write it out, clean it up, read it. If I like it enough, if I am comfortable enough, I send it to Mac to read. He decides what to do with it. I guess it is kind of good for me like that. I tell Him and then what happens with it is out of my hands.

I say that I guess that is a good thing for me, because sometimes Mac will use it against me and sometimes that is really hard for me. I have had some bad reactions to my own dark fantasies being brought up during sex. The absolute worst reaction happened at the end of last year.

He guessed something from an email I sent to Him while He was at work. I thought I was pretty sneaky about it. It was certainly not obvious. But Mac knows me. He knows my tendency to use metaphors in stories, so He guessed, and He asked if that was it. It was something I never thought I would ever, ever tell anyone. Not a single soul. It was something I was sure I would take to my grave because it repulsed me. It still does, and yet, it is my most common fantasy. When I am masturbating, this is usually the thought that works for me. I could not even imagine telling Him. I didn't even want to admit He had it right, but, when it came down to it, I couldn't lie to Him.

We exchanged a few emails back and forth about it. It got pretty hot and I might have been a little breathless at being so disgustingly dirty and admitting to such vile things. I wanted Him home from work, but I also dreaded it. I knew it had made Him hot too and I knew I would have to face Him and He would ask me about it without the computer screen to hide behind. I was going to have to admit it out loud.

He came home that night and we had a very sane family evening, dinner, play time with Sarah Jane while Nicholas went down for the night, then reading time and bed time for Sarah Jane. Very normal family time, but I was very on edge. Mac kept smiling at me, enjoying my discomfort. When the children were both sleeping, we sat on the couch together. He was very gentle with me, letting me snuggle up and rest against Him. I was still on edge, waiting for it and He drew it out, knowing it was driving me crazy.

He decided when it was time for bed and we went up together and did all the get ready for bed stuff, checking the babies, washing of faces, brushing of teeth. When we went into the bedroom He told me to undress and kneel. He undressed and He was already hard. I knew He was thinking about it. He stood in front of me and grabbed my hair. He put His cock into my mouth. He has done that many times. I sucked it. He used my hair to rock me back and forth. I was groaning and slobbering on Him. He seemed to be enjoying it. I was enjoying it.

Then He said it. I can't say what it was He said, I am not ready to publically admit to it, but it really wasn't half as bad as what we had discussed in email. But this time, for the first time ever, I could really feel it. It was more real than just imagining it. I reacted violently. I pushed Him away. I called Him a prick. I got up and walked out.

I think Mac was too stunned to react or He would have stopped me. I went into the bathroom and shut the door. I stood in there for a few moments and then I realised how stupid my reaction had been. Before I could think about it too hard, which would have made it too hard for me to go back, I opened the door and went back into the bedroom. Mac had just started to come and find me.

"Are you ok?" He asked.
"Hush?" I pleaded and I got back on my knees. His cock had started to soften but it didn't take me long before I had Him hard again.

He looked down at me, His cock in my mouth. "Don't think you are getting away with that shit." He said. Then He said that thing to me again. I shuddered violently but Mac grabbed my hair and wasn't going to let go. Then He got dirtier.

It was disgusting, but my fingers ended up between my legs as I sucked him. I came violently. So did Mac.

Then He pulled me up off the floor and He held onto me. He asked if I was ok and He asked what had happened. I explained to Him that I really couldn't explain what had happened. It was just a reaction, a very physical reaction to Him saying what He said.

He told me that He was sorry, but when I came back, He felt that letting it go, not bringing it back up would make it worse than making me face it. I think He was right. I still do have a reaction when He decides to use it against me. I am still repulsed by it, especially when He says it, but I don’t stop sucking or fucking Him. I let it arouse me. I can say it out loud to Him, during sex. I can even sometimes admit that I want it, beg Him for it. It took a long time, but sometimes I can do it.

That was the absolute worst reaction I have had to a dark admission. Mac has always been very careful with me when He has used something like this with me. He has always held me afterwards and told me how much He loves me, how much He lusts my lusts, how much I turn Him on and how I always make Him come harder than any lover He had before me. He lets me know that even though I might be disgusted by my own dark fantasies, He is never disgusted in me. He has never rejected me for anything I have told Him. I hope He never will.

He tells me all the time that He is certain that our sex will become more depraved through the years and whenever He says it, I get the feeling from Him that He is quite looking forward to it. I think He really enjoys discovering these nasty dirty little things about His sweet little wife.

So when I need to deal with a deep dark thing inside of me, I write it down. I show Him without having to say it out loud. I send it to Him while He is at work. I prefer not to see His immediate reaction, just in case it is bad. He has time to be gentle if He needs to let me know nicely that I am a sick freak. It gives us kind of a buffer zone. I don't think He has ever needed it. He has certainly never politely rejected me. I think Mac has discovered the most about me through the things I have written for Him.

And the funniest thing about it is that we really came across writing as a form of communication between us accidently. We never set out for it to be that way. He certainly never even suggested I should do it. He just wasn't with me one day when we were first together and I wanted to tell Him that I was thinking about Him and what I was thinking about Him and instead of saying it straight out, I put it into a story and made it happen between two other people. He saw it for what it was and He wrote back, "That was the most erotic thing I have ever read, Sarah. Please write more for me?" I couldn't refuse that.

Sometimes we do move away from writing to each other. The pressures of work and the children, life, can get in the way of not only writing, but also in being sexual with each other. We have just been through a period like that. I am writing this blog after just writing a quick story for Mac, one He suggested to me in email when He had a moment at work today. He gave me the outline and told me what He wanted from me. I had to tell Him what happened next, what I wanted to happen next, the things that would absolutely turn me on. He said that we should never forget how sexual we are with each other. I agreed. We shouldn't. It is an important part of who we are. So I wrote it and sent it to Him. He got it while He was in a meeting.

His reply was just "Gorgeous." I smiled wondering what the other people in the meeting thought He was looking at. With any luck, He didn't have to stand up for a while after reading it.

I hope He makes me read it out loud to Him, tonight.

I am ready to fall in lust with Him again.

I have been writing. I have been writing a lot. I have 12 pages written of a story which I am not sure is any good, but it is just spilling out of me so I just keep writing. I haven't stopped to read it yet. I can never get distance from something I am writing while I am writing it. Once it is done, I need to leave it for a few days so I can see it objectively.

And then I have to get Mac to read it of course.

If it passes through that without me cringing away from it or Mac cringing away from it, it might end up on the blog, but I am not sure about it yet. It is not a love story, or a nice story. It is deeply disturbing and darkly sexual. I guess that is what is in me right now. Well, that is in me often. I have a deeply disturbing and darkly sexual side to me, though Mac assures me it is not as unusual and exotic as I think it is. He feels that lots of women, if not most of them have a deeply disturbing dark sexual side to them. Most of them just don't get to tell anyone about it.

Sometimes I get to tell the blog and you all get to read about it. Sometimes I just tell Mac and he gets to use it against me. When I have a dark thought, a dirty thought, a thought that makes me cringe, I have someone to tell me it doesn't make me a bad person to have those thoughts and it usually just makes Him want to fuck me. I am lucky like that. I certainly don't think I am as much as a freak as I used to think I was, but still, sometimes I have trouble putting it out here, where anyone can read it. That doubt, that maybe I am some deeply perverted dirty girl is still there, just under the surface. Scratch me and it comes out.

So a lot of the time, I write it, and Mac reads it, and he gets the final say.

I know that He will stop me from getting scratched.

I need to get back to it. It is aching to get out of me.

It feels like I don't have a choice.

Mac called on Saturday morning. He went away Thursday evening and He isn't back yet. He should be here any time now. I know He is on His way. But on Saturday morning while He was in another country, on another continent, He called me, because He missed me and because He knew I would be missing Him.

It started out as a good conversation, a loving conversation, a sexy conversation. We talked about me fucking other men, of me enjoying being fucked by other men. It makes Mac horribly jealous and fills Him with lust. He says it is jealous lust and it wouldn’t be quite so hot if it didn’t hurt, which just stuns me, because if He does it to me, I want to stab someone. He just wants to fuck me.

So it started out that way, and then we were whispering to each other, cute things and sweet things which I won't repeat because Mac will blush and deny them. We were very much in love, very comfortable with each other. We have done so well, staying close, even while we have had little time for each other, so it was a surprise when our conversation took a turn that made me feel alone.

It started because I had gone quiet. I was just listening to Him talk. It didn't really matter what He was talking about. He could have been reading the dictionary for all I cared. I just wanted to hear Him talk.

And He asked why I was being quiet. He asked if I was being a good girl. I told Him I am always a good girl and that I was listening to him and imagining being kissed. In typical Male fashion He completely missed the romance of the situation and asked who I was imagining being kissed by. He asked if it was HIM.

I think that readers here would know about my HIM, but just in case I have forgotten to mention HIM, I will give everyone a little background. HE is the Big Bad Dark Dom who I have always imagined was around. From the time I was a little girl HE has been with me. He protected me from a rampaging mother, and forgave me when she told me I was such a bad girl. HE would punish me HIMSELF at times. HE would punish me with painful dirty sex and then always hold me afterwards. Sometimes, when I need HIM, HE is still there for me. But HE is imaginary. Always has been.

I told Mac He would be disappointed if I told Him the identity of my imaginary kisser, because of the sexual discussion we had just finished. He guessed then that the kisser was Himself. He suggested that Mac was really the same as HIM and I told Mac there were some differences. Our conversation went on, about HIM and Mac and eventually Mac said that perhaps HE, that Big Bad Dark Dom was my One. That I had just settled for Mac because the perfect man for me didn't exist. I told Him that was sad, a very sad thought. He said that it might be sad, but there was a grain of truth in it. And the saddest thing was, now that He had said it, it was there, planted in my mind and I couldn't think around it. It became a wall I was bashing myself against. We discussed it a little while longer, not reaching any conclusion, or disproving this new theory, and I could feel the distance between us. We were both rather subdued when we said goodbye.

As always, when these things happen, Mac can process these things straight away. He has probably not given it any thought, other than accepting it is what it is and moving on. Me on the other hand, I need space and time to go over and over it. I need to be able to process it in my own time. He often says to me "go have a bath and think what you need to think, and come back and talk to me when you have it sorted out."

You see, the thing is, I have never felt that I settled for Mac. I do have this imaginary BBDD who I do use when I need to, for fantasies, for safety when I need it, to remind me to be kind to myself. But that imaginary BBDD is me. I know that. I know that there is no such thing as perfection, and I have never sought out the perfect man. If Mac was perfect, imagine the things we would have missed out on. We would not have had the chance to grow together. And as much as I hate to admit this(and don't anyone tell Mac this) but sometimes it is good for me not to get everything I want. It reminds me to appreciate the things I do have so much more.

And no matter how much I have thought about it, I have never thought, not even for a second, that I settled for Mac. I settled for my former boyfriend, who I met at the same time I met Mac, because at that time Mac was with another girl. I settled for the next guy because Mac told me He couldn't love me. I settled for the last guy because Mac went away. Then I stopped settling for other men for a while and was on my own. I did this because I needed to be on my own for a while and when I look back on that time now, I realise I was just readying myself for Mac. When He came back into my life, I was prepared to settle for being His friend if it was the only way I could keep Him in my life. Then He took me as His and for the first time in my life, I didn't have to settle. I had what I wanted and what I needed. I once tried to explain to Mac that it was like He switched off all the voices in my head that were telling me that I wasn't worth it. When I was His, I found peace.

And sure there are times that we get it wrong. There are times when I need more from Mac than He realises. There are times when He needs things from me, that I just misunderstand, or don't have the energy to give. We are not perfect. We are far from perfect, but we have grown together, we will continue to grow together and as long as He continues to want to grow closer to me, then He will be my idea of the perfect Man for me. He will be my One.

Actually, I have a feeling He will be my One even if He decides He doesn't want to be anymore.

I didn't pick Him. I didn't set out to make Him my One. It just was. It just always will be.

I can hardly wait for my One to be home.