I would love to tell you all that it worked, that Mac and I managed to stay close while He was away and we haven't had that separation period when He came back, but it didn't. We had a fight while He was gone. It was a stupid thing, over a stupid thing I wrote in an email, a joke, I thought. Mac took it as a complaint and being tired from a night long flight and working without a break He snapped. And I felt like I was already at my limit so I snapped back and before we knew it, it had turned into a knock down drag out sludge that ended in me telling Him it was enough, that I didn't think we should speak to each other until we could find something nice to say to each other. He agreed then got on another flight to another country and all I could think was that if anything happened those would be the last words we had said to each other. When He landed safely, I didn't want to submit to Him.

He came home (sort of) two days ago. I have probably spent all of 20 minutes awake with Him in those two days. He is busy, really busy. If He is not in a meeting He is preparing for another, meetings everyone else has had two weeks to prepare for. Today on a Saturday, He will be in meetings all day. Tonight He has to take clients out. I will probably be asleep when He gets home. Tomorrow, on a Sunday, He will have to go into work to catch up on the things He missed while He was away. I don't know when we will have time again.

I told Him last night that I felt like we were in a bad place, where His kisses and His whispers of goodnight were coming from a man who felt like it was His duty to be with His wife, not from a man who enjoys His wife immensely. He agreed that He is just too exhausted to enjoy us right now. He felt bad saying it. I felt bad hearing it, but I understood. I understand. Work has to be done.

Still, there is a part of me that is bitterly jealous. I have become a spectator of other people's lives instead of a person living my own life. Mac has been to four countries in eight days. He has come back and is now too busy to enjoy life. I am living this half life, just waiting to be able to live again. I don't want to be the one waiting. I think that there should be a time when He has to wait for me.

I know that over the next few months, I will get back to being the real me again, but sometimes, it feels like I cannot take another minute of this.

I told Him, before He left that I would submit to Him no matter how far away He pulled, but the truth is, I cannot to submit to someone who just isn't there. I can't be a submissive when there is no one around willing to be dominating. I have to wait now until He has time for me.

And for those of you who think I make it sound easy, I am sorry to have misled you. It is very hard to feel the way I do now and not to be able to mend it. It's only when it is fixed I can look back on it and say it wasn't really that bad. Right now I want to throw things and scream that I want Him to take care of me, not work, ME! I want Him to see me and love me and protect me! He can't though, so I just have to wait.

I like it when I can submit to Him. It makes me feel invincible. Nothing can bring me down.

I feel so damn mortal of late.

Mac asked me how I could keep myself entertained thinking about kissing. I think He underestimates just how many different ways He kisses me.

Sometimes, when He kisses me it is a simple little kiss. His lips meet mine and He pulls away, nothing more than a peck, a quick hello, a quick goodbye, a quick 'I love that you are here'. That type of kiss that makes me feel welcome, makes me feel happy, makes me feel like I was missed. Sometimes that type of kiss turns into something more. Instead of just the one, He will murmur His enjoyment and move into me for more. It will become two or three, or just a much longer kiss that involves just a slight touch of tongue. There are times when He still can't get enough of me. It makes me smile as I send Him off to work.

Sometimes what starts out as that simple gentle kiss with just a slight touch of tongue will turn into so much more. He will use His tongue to lick the tip of mine and entice my tongue to chase His back in between His lips so He can suck on my tongue, forcing a moan from the back of my throat. He will release me only when He is ready to, and He often chuckles when I wobble away from Him on unsteady legs.

Other times, without any sort of prelude, He will give me one of those lip bruising, mouth raping, breathtaking kisses that leave me in absolutely no doubt as to what He means to take from me.

He kissed me many times when I was in the hospital bed, both before and after the surgery. I had an overnight stay and Mac stayed as long as He could before leaving to go home to our babies. He left me in absolutely no doubt that He would have stayed right there with me. But I wanted Him to go, I needed to sleep and I needed to know that He was sleeping properly so He kissed my lips, the tip of my nose, my eyes, my forehead, the top of my head and my lips again. Then when I had dropped back into the post-surgery semi-conscious state, I felt Him kiss my eyes again. It was hard for Him, harder than He would ever admit. He hates feeling helpless. He likes to be in control. And all He could do was watch. It is still hard for Him when I am in pain, but the good news is that the pain is much better. I have halved my pain medication and I am feeling no pain. I think He will be very happy when He sees how much better I am doing.

So I have not got bored thinking about kissing.

I doubt I will before He comes home and I can use Him to make more kissing memories.

I am sorry. I know I have been gone a long time again. I had some minor surgery on my foot. It would not be a big deal, except I can't put any weight on it at all so I am feeling a little trapped right now. I have to hop on crutches even moving about the house. It is easier not to move much. I have been this way for 4 weeks now. I have 4 more to go. Then I start physiotherapy. Yay.

Mac has been great. He has been very supportive, holding me through the worst of the pain and letting me be His little girl when I needed to be and making me laugh when I let things get on top of me. He has had to go away with work now. It was unavoidable. He could not get out of it. I didn't want Him to get out of it either. His world outside of me shouldn't be put on hold because of me. We have had family looking after me and Sarah Jane and Nicholas anyway. So He went away for work, on Sunday night.

And we did that thing we always do, the withdrawing from each other for the whole week before He left. We kept ourselves at a distance from each other, because neither of us wanted to be vulnerable. Then yesterday, one day into His being away, I was cleaning up my phone when I discovered some old messages from Mac, from when we started the 'adore and submit' times. The messages said He loved it and He asked if I realised that He was going to keep me forever. It made me remember how much those times meant to us and how when I had withdrawn I had taken it away from us. It made me feel sad that I had done it and sad that Mac had also let it go.

So I emailed Him and I told Him about the messages and how much I had missed it. He replied that He had missed it to and when we talked, we talked about remembering that I need that time, even if it is just sitting here on the couch, to close my eyes and take some deep breaths and remember that I am His. We agreed on the timetable for this to happen, so when it does, He knows that right then, I am taking time out just to belong to Him and I know He is thinking of me.

And it works. It honestly does. I was seeing a counsellor for pain management before the surgery. (I can't get to her office now. Too many stairs. I will go back once I can put weight on my foot again.) We have been practicing visualisation. I take time everyday to see my injury healing. There have been studies done and this apparently aids in the healing process. Our brains are powerful things. By using my brain to see Mac and I together, the ache of Him being gone is easier to handle. When I imagine us together, my brain gets a dose of the same hormones that are released when we are together. It makes me feel good.

So Mac will be back in a week and instead of being anxious about Him being gone, I am looking forward to Him coming home so I can do some of the things I imagine us doing. (Mostly kissing. Kissing is just so good.) I don't think we will have that awkward emotionally withdrawn period that we usually go through when He gets here. If I could, when I knew He was coming, I would kneel on the floor naked and wait for Him. But because I can't, I will just tell Him it is where I want to be and when I look at Him, He will know.

That will be enough until I can.