Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, December 14, 2003
I am a good girl. I must be a good girl because He says I am a good girl. I please Him. This is what I want to be, what I crave to be. A good girl. His good girl.
I had a moment last night where I horrified myself, terrified myself and thought that I had let U/us and Him down.
I had masturbated after I had written yesterday's post and I had imagined Tony again and I had come. After Mac had read the post, He asked if I had masturbated, I said I had and He had asked me what I had thought of. In O/our relationship there is no orgasm restrictions. I am allowed to come as often as I want, for as long as I want, as long as I tell Him the truth about what I was thinking of when I masturbated. This is not always an easy thing to do. Yesterday, I told Him I had thought of Tony. He told me that He had been thinking of Tony and I too. W/we talked about it some more and Mac still felt that if I saw Tony again, I should make him come. I asked Mac if that was something He wanted me to do, and His answer was this:
'What I want is for you not to want him any more. I don't want you to stay away from him because you want him so much. I want you not to want him. I know if I said one word you would shun him completely, instant obedience, but you would wonder, secretly, and come thinking of his pleasure and his lust but when you have had it, you won't want it any more, you will just want Mine. Only insecure men would forbid you to see a rival. I take the view, 'he won't last longer than one orgasm'. So have him, get over it.'
I asked if it would bother Him if I made Tony come.
'God no, what would bother me would be if you pined for him for a long time because I denied you, or if you made him come and then fell for him. I don't think you will. I am your One. If you gave me the choice of 'did you lust him or not' I would have chosen not, but it happened, so I am dealing with it and controlling it.'
I asked if it were to happen again, would He still want to know about it.
'Yes. I can't deal with what I don't know and I promised you that I would take care of you. I have to know, to do that.'
I felt bad for putting Him through this. I felt wrong and wicked, like I didn't deserve Him and here He was, holding me and loving me and I let Him.
Later as He was getting ready to go to the gym I told Him I wanted to fuck. He pointed out that I always wanted to fuck and I laughed and He threw me onto the bed and pulled my panties from me and He licked me and sucked me and bit me. He was vicious with His tongue and teeth and I writhed and I screamed and I begged for more. After I had come for the third time He stopped and looked at me, grinning evilly. He said He was going to the gym and that I was to masturbate while He was gone and that I would tell Him what I had thought about when He was getting ready for dinner. (Business dinner, with clients, no partners.) As He grabbed His gym bag His phone rang and after He had been speaking to them for five minutes I whispered in his ear that I could have come three more times by now. He frowned at me and I grinned at Him and He pretended I wasn't there. Five minutes later again I whispered 'five times' and shook His head at me and I was giggling as He hung up the phone.
He said 'six times', and He looked at His watch and He looked at His gym bag and He looked at me and asked why I wasn't masturbating. I told Him it was because He hadn't left yet. He stood at the edge of the bed and He said 'Do it, and tell me the very first thought that fills your mind when you do.'
The only thought that filled my mind was my Male standing over me, watching my fingers run over my swollen clitoris while His erection bulged in His pants, telling me to 'do it' and I told Him so. He asked if I would like to have Tony watching me too and I felt so confused. A part of me wanted that, to have another man watching me indulge myself, to have another man desire me, another cock to please and take pleasure in and a part of me was horrified that I could want someone else there after the discussion W/we had had. I told Mac I didn't know the right answer and He pressed on and asked me if He should tell me to unzip Tony and I pleaded with Him not to ask. He looked at me for a moment, then He told me to do it and He wove a delicious story in my imagination of a man who desired me, whose cock throbbed at the very thought of me and I wanted to please him and take pleasure from him and Mac let him fuck my mouth and fill me with semen and I came thinking of this man's desire and I came thinking of this man's pleasure in me and I came as Mac told me to take this man's pleasure again. I came and I cried and I came again. And again. I was sobbing and shaking and Mac put His cock in my mouth and gave me His pleasure and the sounds of Him growling and grunting and the feel of semen spilling into my mouth filled me and I came once more.
And then it was quiet and I felt so much shame and so much guilt and I wanted to run away and hide from the world and most of all from Mac. He saw how scared I was and He didn't understand and He wouldn't let me go until I told Him. How could I want Tony? How could I come thinking of Tony's semen in my mouth? How could I be such a dirty little girl?
Mac held me tighter and asked me if I had come thinking of Tony and the truth was that I didn't. It wasn't Tony, or any man really, it was just the growls and grunts and groans of pleasure, it was just an anonymous cock spurting into my mouth. It was just me, pleasing him, any him.
Mac held me tighter still and pointed out that it wasn't that I was making a man shudder and come that was making me come, it was that I was pleasing, that I was desired, that I was a good girl. And He was right, I crave to be a good girl, it's what I want to be, it's what drives me to please. But am I a good girl? I was lying in my lover's arms, fingers sticky, body shaking, tears running down my face, my mouth still hot from His semen and my hair sweaty from the thoughts of someone else's cock. How can this be good?
Then Mac told me that I was a good girl, that I pleased Him and that I could be as pleasing as I liked because I have my One to protect me, even from me. I cried and He stroked my hair and whispered to me the sweetest of words and held me until I was calm.
I had to push Him out the door to go to dinner. He wanted to stay and make sure I was ok. I was ok, sort of. I was full of Him being pleased with me, full of being His good girl, but there were still doubts. Am I the only one that needs this? Am I the only one that feels this desperate need to please? Is there anyone else that is filled by the words, 'you please me, you are a good girl'? Does anyone reading this really understand?
Mac got home late and when I woke I heard Him getting a glass of water. I snuck out into the kitchen and stood quietly in the doorway. He was undressed and I loved watching Him move around with the only light coming from the refrigerator. He spotted me and He smiled and it was like the whole world brightened.
'Come to bed with me?' I whispered
'Will Tony have to budge up?' He grinned at me as He walked towards me.
'Who's Tony?' I asked innocently.
He chuckled and kissed me on the forehead and I stood on tiptoe to reach His lips. He groaned as my tongue entered His mouth and He picked me up and carried me to O/our bed.
I pleased Him again. I am a good girl.