Kneeling before Him...

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Sunday, December 07, 2003

I have been reading kinky bits posts with much interest over the past few days. I understand that feeling of not being dominated and how it tends to throw everything else into disarray. W/we have just been through a period where I actually managed to piss Mac off. It was the first time since I have belonged to Him that I made Him angry.

It started so simply. I felt out of control and so I got bitchy. He hates bitchy so He ignored me. I felt even less controlled and got bitchier. He wanted less to be around me so it spiralled down. I started blowing things out of proportion and a gentle tease from Him had me writing Him email at work telling Him He hated me and that's when He got angry. And that's when I stopped trying to push Him into dominating me because all I was doing was pushing Him away.

So how did W/we fix it? It was really very simple for U/us. I knelt at His feet and accepted His anger. I apologised for what I had done. He listened while I told Him of my feelings and He understood enough to know that I was very frustrated. He kissed me and reminded me that I need to remember that I belong to Him first and everything else is just background noise.

What had made me feel so out of control was a combination of ovulation, lack of time together and the sudden resurface of some masturbatory fantasies I had never told anyone about. I found myself leaning over the back of the couch with my panties around my ankles fucking myself with the biggest dildo I had, hurting myself on it while I watched a prostitute on TV pinned down by her pimp. He was telling this filthy little whore that he would never let her go, that she would die fucking the men that he told her to, she was his to do with what he pleased, he owned her and gosh I wanted to be her. I wanted to have his hands at my neck while his voice whispered in my ear, telling me what a horrid little slut I was, that a dirty whore like me deserves no better than to be used by men, that I was nothing more than a cunt to fuck, an ass to rape and a face to come on. I wanted to be the one sent out into the streets in sluttish scraps of clothing to wait for any guy that wanted to pay $10 to fuck me. I came and I came and I scared myself with the intensity of what I was feeling.

I told Mac about it and He reassured me that it was normal to have such fantasies. But I don't think He understood how much this really disturbed me and each day my thoughts became more depraved and each day His work became more demanding and I felt like I was floundering alone when really all I needed to do was reach for His hand. When I did, He was there for me, just like He always is.

I have been sitting here writing this entry with headphones on listening to U2's With or Without You over and over while Mac is still asleep. Bono's voice is making my spine tingle. All I want to do is put this song on a loop and unplug the headphones and climb back into bed and make love to Mac while Bono sings. I can almost feel Him entering me, the way my pussy stretches to allow Him in. I can close my eyes and hear His breath catch and the groan of pleasure as I clench on His cock. I can smell Him and feel His warmth and the weight of His sleepy body on mine. I can feel His throat thicken with the power of the lust and I can hear the way He growls when He starts to come. I want to make Him come and come and come until He is fully spent. Then I will kiss His eyes and stroke His hair and hold Him close to me while He sleeps. I want to love Him more than I ever have.

In fact, I think that's exactly what I will do.


Posted by Sarah McBroden at 6:04 am




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