Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, December 11, 2003
I would like to say thankyou to mbl for the comments from Tuesday. 'Pussy' was one of the words I used to describe Robert to both Emma and Mac and as they both know him, both concurred with my opinion of him. Your assessment of the situation made me smile.
Also, thank you to Jeff who made me stop and re-think the whole weakness thing. Am I weak because I function best with a Male to lean on? I can see why people would think that. I really can. I don't think I am though and I am going to tell you why.
The Sarah that existed before Mac was a sad little girl who tried so hard just to get through her day, and for the most part, she succeeded. Top grades, good university, a degree, the job I wanted, promotions, a place of my own, and great friends. I was not a failure, but I was constantly scared of failing. I was constantly afraid I would let someone down. I monitored every move I made, guessing and second guessing each outcome until I felt like I was drowning. I wasn't living my life I was surviving it. I worked, I went out with friends, and I slept.
When Mac made me His, most of the fear went away. Mac has a way of cutting through the garbage and dealing with the important things. He told me I didn't have to worry about surviving anymore because He would take care of U/us, all I had to do was keep Him happy.
To put it into simple terms, I would come to Him in turmoil and the conversation would go like this:
Him: What's wrong?
me: I am not sure if I should do this or that.
Him: What's this?
me: explanation of this
Him: What's that?
me: explanation of that.
Him: Ok, do that.
And He would kiss me on the cheek and I would go and do that and what would have been three days of constant worry became three minutes of discussion. If there were repercussions of doing that, I knew Mac would help me deal with them. I didn't need to be afraid of what would happen anymore.
In return for this, I would please Him and when He was pleased, I was happy. When I am happy, the little things cause me less worry and there are so many things now that I am able to do without bother because I know that at the end of the day, I have Mac to watch the world for me. I can survive without Mac, but with Him I not only live, I get to fly.
I don't think it is a matter of being weak or strong, it's just understanding where you function at your best.
As for love, I have never loved anyone more than I love Mac. I have never felt more loved by anyone. In truth He doesn't say it anywhere near as much as I tell Him, but I feel it each time He touches my cheek and in each time I catch Him watching me across a room full of people. I feel it when He puts His hand in mine when He knows I am nervous, and in the way He was 20 minutes late for work yesterday because I overslept and He was waiting on my call.
He actually should have been leaving the hotel as I called Him but it didn't take much to convince Him to stay. I think what I said was 'Fuck me? Please?' As I was already lying on my back with my legs apart all I had to do was move my fingers to my clitoris. Mac started to growl at me when I told Him what I was doing and He told me that all He has been thinking about was Emma and I giggling and sucking that guy's cock in the alley way. He asked me how it felt to be such a sluttish girl and I told Him how I had almost come while reaching for Emma's tongue, feeling the guy's prick hot against my cheek while I kissed her. He made that noise, the one that means 'damn it feels so good I am about to come' and I pinched my clitoris and I moaned and writhed and called His name and then He started coming and I didn't care that I was coming. All I wanted was to hear Him grunt and growl and imagine that His semen was landing on me in hot splashes. Neither of U/us wanted to hang up even though both of U/us were late and now all I want is for Him to come home.
Gosh it will be good to have Him in my bed again.