Kneeling before Him...



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Friday, December 05, 2003

Last night Mac was caught up in so much work that having me around was kind of distracting Him so I called Emma and suggested a couple of hours at the gym. Emma jumped at the chance. We go to a girl gym, mainly because everything is so much nicer at a girl gym, and because without guys around, it just feels more relaxed.

Emma came to pick me up and we both kissed Mac quickly and left without disturbing Him too much, then we spent the next two hours almost wetting ourselves laughing while working out. This morning I can't even think what it was that set us off, but once we got going there was no stopping us. Everything was funny, even the disapproving looks we were getting from the gym junkies were making us laugh more. We got to the stage where we separated ourselves and she went to one end of the gym and me the other and yet still if we caught each other's eye we would be off again. It's a wonder we were not asked to leave.

When we got back home, Emma come in for coffee but didn't stay longer as Mac still had work to do and Emma had things she had to finish herself. When she was gone I starting thinking about the relationship I have with her and how other people would see us if they knew.

Emma and I tend to be very on guard in public, which probably had a lot to do with our completely losing our composure. We don't hold hands, we don't kiss and we don't look any different to any other friends that enjoy each other's company. It was only a couple of weeks ago that we were out together with some friends and I had said something about the female body being a beautiful thing and one of the men within the group had sneered at me with 'Are you one of those trendily bisexual women then?' That shocked me. Being bisexual is a trend? It made me wonder just how many people don't understand how it is for Emma and I. I know that 18 months ago, I probably would have agreed with him.

Emma is not the first girl I have had as a lover. Kelly and I met when we were 10 and quickly became best friends. We became lovers at 18. It lasted for two beautiful months, then sadly fell apart and I lost my best friend as well as someone that I loved very much. My reaction to this was to convince myself it meant that I wasn't bisexual after all, that it was nothing but a phase. I cut out any memory of good times and could only remember the awful way that it ended.

So much so, that when Mac asked if I was bi-sexual after watching me flirt outrageously with other women, my immediate answer was a very defensive no. He gave me that frustratingly knowing look and said 'uh-huh' and I tried to dig myself out of the hole. Of course I found women attractive, they are sensual creatures, all soft beautiful curves and clever intelligent wit, (well the women that I like are) and the whole time He was smiling at me and nodding and I wanted to hit Him. In the end He put His hand to my mouth and told me to hush and then asked me exactly what did I define bisexuality as? I said that for me it would be having sex with men and women. He was surprised. He told me that He would consider a person to be bisexual if they were actually attracted to both sexes rather than someone that has sex with both.

I believe now, that He is right. I don't just have sex with Emma and it wasn't just sex with Kelly. I love them. Now I allow myself to remember some of the wonderful times that Kelly and I shared, beautiful, soft, tender moments that fill me with warmth for her. I hope that I never feel the desire to have sex with a woman just because someone tells me it is the 'trendy' thing to do.

There is a memory of Kelly that I would like to share.

We were standing in the kitchen one night, basically getting in each other's way while trying to cook dinner. I somehow think this was in about the middle of the two months. We were talking about our favourite foods, and it amazed us both how different we had eaten growing up. I had a stay at home mother that always had meat and three vegies on the table at 6pm whereas Kelly's mum had always worked and dinner had often come from a packet or a box and dinnertime was when it was cooked. Kelly was telling me of one of her favourite meals, pasta and spices that come in a box and you just added mince too. She tried desperately to remember the name of it, and it frustrated her that she couldn't remember. In the end the conversation moved on and we both forgot about it.

Two nights later we were laying in bed together, in that drowsy 'after making love', stage, sometimes kissing, sometimes whispering, still caressing each other softly, sucking the stickiness from each other's fingers and gently tasting each other on our lips when she suddenly looked at me and said 'Dinner Winner'. Without missing a beat I said 'hmm, I have never had that, we should get some next time we go shopping.' Neither of us felt it strange that I had known what she was talking about and we fell asleep tangled up in each other's arms.

So when the guy sneered at me and asked me if I was bisexually trendy, I found myself smiling at Emma and appreciating how just how beautiful she is.

I know that this is something that guy will never understand.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 6:10 am

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