Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, December 06, 2003
My mother used to hit me with a plastic strap. She would beat me with it to a point where I could not feel the pain of each stroke. It would all just meld into one sharp ache. The edges of the strip were jagged and often tore at my skin. I would be left with bleeding welts. She would then take me and put me into a warm bath and leave me there, crying and alone. After a while, when she was calm, she would come and get me out of the bath and she would dress me, and hold me and tell me that I was a good girl now. She would rock me on her lap and coo to me gently and I would know that I was a good girl. I was her baby girl and she would take care of me.
I am lucky, my mother actually does love me, she just had problems of her own that were not addressed. I love her too and those times do not colour my relationship with her, which is actually a very close one. I know of people that hate their mothers, but I know she did the best she could.
I did not write this for sympathy. I am telling you because it helps explain a part of my sexuality. There are times when I crave to be hurt. It is a very strong desire I have. I want Mac to hurt me. I want Him to use me. I want Him to call me names and I want Him to force me to be dirty. I want Him to lose control and rut with me like He would with a two-bit whore. I want Him to not care who I am, forget that He loves me, forget that I am another human and treat me like a bitch on heat. I need Him to drag me to a point where I can't take anymore, until I feel like I am nothing. And then I need Him to love me. I need Him to bathe me, clean me and make me His good girl again.
This has always been something that was hard on Mac. He has to be true to Himself and His first instinct is to protect me. He is aware that often that means protecting me from myself. Sometimes the things I ask for would do me great damage and He has to refuse. Sometimes I beg for more when He knows that any more will harm me. He can never allow Himself to forget that He loves me because He knows I can't be trusted to tell Him when I have had enough.
Over the last year of O/our relationship I have found that I need less to be hurt and more to have pleasure taken in me. I can be a filthy little slut without being reduced to nothing. I can adore each man that uses me and still be His princess at the end. And for the times I still need to be hurt, well, W/we have sex like this...
I was uptight. I was annoying and distracting Mac. I was frustrated and everything I touched just wouldn't work the way I wanted it too and it was getting worse. Mac watched me get more and more worked up until I was close to losing it and screaming.
He called me to Him then and I went and knelt at His feet, head bowed and eyes lowered.
'Woman,' He said with that wonderful quiet authority that leaves me in no doubt to His control. 'If you try to suck My cock, I will slap your face.'
I looked up at Him then and my hands went to the zip on His pants, knowing He meant it. I took His cock from His pants and I stroked Him with my fingers, my eyes darting back and forth between watching His eyes and glancing longingly at His tumescence. His eyes never left my face and He watched my arousal grow.
Precum started to form a tiny drop in the slit of His cock and I wanted so badly to taste it. I licked my lips and He growled at me to remember if I tried to suck Him, He would slap me. I looked up at Him and snaked my tongue out of my mouth and ever so slowly reached for His cock with just the tip.
The slap was sharp and hard and as His hand burnt my cheek, my cunt clenched and I felt my juices leak from me. I brought my face back to the level of His cock and looked Him in the eye again and again I reached for His cock with my tongue. He slapped my other cheek this time and I felt my eyes brim with tears as my cunt clenched again. I watched Him again and reached for Him again and this time He made me whimper from the force of His hand against my cheek. My clitoris was swollen and throbbing like it was filled with it's own heart. Again, and again, the heat in my face only matched by the burning of my cunt and still I met His eyes and still I reached for Him with my tongue, still stroking His cock with my fingers. He grabbed a handful of my hair and forced Himself into my mouth. I gagged, and He pulled me further onto His cock. I tried to relax to take more of Him and my throat ached from Him pushing into me. His hand hurt in my hair, His cock was choking me and my cunt was throbbing so hard I could hardly think. He pulled Himself from my mouth and released my hair as He jerked His orgasm over my face, His hot semen stinging the red marks on my cheeks. He looked at me kneeling there, so obviously full of lust, my tongue licking His semen from my lips.
'Come now, slut.' He hissed at me and my fingers rubbed my clitoris through the lace of my panties and I came almost immediately.
'Whore.' He hissed and He turned and walked away, leaving me to curl up in a ball on the floor and cry.
I don't know how long He left me there for, but when He came back He kissed me and He cleaned me and I was His princess again. W/we sat with me on His lap, my head against His shoulder and He told me to rest, He would watch the world for me and I dozed against Him.
When I woke He told me what He would like for dinner and while I was cooking it, I marvelled at how the world was right for me once more.