Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, January 09, 2004
Danor from lovesongs for the underdogs picked up on the natural order theme of dominant males/submissive females that I have spoken about here and has been on other blogs as well and is conducting a mini poll on her blog to see how people feel about this. I have said where my theory comes from and why I think it is no longer true for everyone so I wont rehash it but it still does interest me and I am following the comments to see how others feel.
I have just started to read another blog called DDWife. Amber left a comment on a post below and always being curious as to who reads me I followed her link and ended up on her blog. Amber lives in a DD (domestic discipline) relationship and this works well for her. She feels she needs to be punished for her bad behaviour so that she could stop the cycle of relationship destruction she seemed to be in. Amber is freed from her guilt and they are able to carry on as a couple because of the DD. It's wonderful how this works for her. This fascinates me, as do most glimpses into other's lives, but this type of punishment is something that I sometimes do desire.
There is no punishment in O/our house. Mac is all too aware that I will punish myself severely for any mistake I have made. I take punishment as a blow to my ego and self-confidence and never really let go of the shame and guilt I feel at having been bad enough to be punished. For this reason He will not allow fights to drag on between U/us, nor will He allow me to wallow in any mistakes He or I have made. Forgiveness is given immediately upon confession and once discussed and settled it is never brought up again.
There are times that I have done something silly, or something I regret and when I kneel at Mac's feet and ask for forgiveness I do not feel that confession is enough. I want Him to punish me for my behaviour to the point where there has been times He has held my hands to stop me from striking Him. I am aware that if I hit Him I can expect to be hit back and He has no desire to go there. I know that if I did hit Him and He did hit me back then all I have done is damaged U/us both by forcing Him to do something He dislikes.
I think more than anything else, Mac would love for me to feel that I can be His good girl without having to suffer.
Something that Amber said to me struck me as strange and I had to give it some thought. She said that for me, pain is pleasurable. I guess in many ways I have made this appear to be the case and yet, it is not true. I am not sure I know how to explain this, but to me the pain heightens the pleasure. It is not pleasurable in itself. There are times I feel I deserve the pain, deserve to be treated like nothing, reduced to nothing so that I can be 'risen up' as His good girl again.
At other times, the pain gives me permission to enjoy the pleasure. I know on a conscious level that it is not wrong to feel good, that it is not wrong to enjoy sex, but on another level I have always felt the need for pain to be free of that awful feeling that I was doing something wrong. If it hurt, then I could enjoy it. Weird huh? It doesn't always have to be extreme or intense pain, it can be just the burning of anal sex, or the feeling of being stretched open by too many fingers, or pulling of my hair or biting on my neck or the pinching of my nipples. Just those little amounts of pain allow me to let go of my inhibitions, my irrational fear that I am being bad, and enjoy the pleasure I am feeling.
Pain also brings all of my senses into sharper focus. The sting of His hand against my cheek, the sound it makes as it moves through the air and connects, the smell of my turmoil and of His sex, the taste of adrenaline in my mouth and the sight of Him towering above me all happen almost instantaneously and yet I am perfectly aware of each thing individually. I am able to dissect them all and let each part of it affect me. I can feel shame and humiliation from the pain and at the same time arousal from the adrenaline and from His incredible power over me. In the end for me, it is always the arousal that wins. And it wins in the most intense way.
On a different note, I just want to put here a fantasy I wrote before I belonged to Mac. I didn't show Mac this until W/we had been together a while because it made me feel vulnerable and open to derision. I was very afraid that if I let Mac inside me, He would laugh and turn away from what He saw and I am discovering that I am not alone in this fear. There are many women out there that are actually afraid to admit to what they feel. I am lucky, when I showed Mac this, with fear in my stomach and a little laugh about how silly girls can be, He turned to me and pulled me close and told me He couldn't imagine a more perfect woman for Him. This fantasy came from very deep inside me at a time that I was feeling very alone and very much in need of a Man like this:
"Forced onto her stomach, rough hands grab at her hips pulling them into position. Scrambling to her knees, she positions herself ready for His entry. No words are spoken, no soft caresses, no foreplay of any kind and yet she is ready for Him. His need causing her juices to flow even before she is aware of it.
Roughly He enters her, pushing His way into her, His strong hands forcing her back onto him, bruising her sides. She moans a deep low moan from the back of her throat and He growls in return, taking His possession of her and marking her once again as His. The knot tightens in her gut and from nowhere the orgasm rises up and overtakes her body. He slams Himself into her harder as she shudders with pleasure.
'Oh yes, fuck me' she moans, 'fuck me like the slut W/we know I am.'
As the words leave her lips His orgasm fills Him and He finds within her the pleasure He requires. Hot semen shoots over her back and ass.
Breathlessly she collapses against the bed. Silently He settles Himself beside her. Quietly she waits for the words that He knows she needs, the words that allow her to be all that she is and give her the confidence to look for more. His arms seek her out in the darkness.
'I love you.' He whispers.
And once again He sets her free."