Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, January 17, 2004
I am sorry.
I didn't mean to say the things I said, do the things I did. I was angry and I was tired and You were in my line of fire. It didn't matter that it wasn't Your fault and it didn't matter that You tried to love me. I wanted someone else to hurt the way I hurt and it happened to be You.
And when I kneel before You and tell You I am sorry, I see that look in Your eyes that says You love me too. I hear Your words and I know I am forgiven but it feels too easy, too simple for the things that I have done.
I sleep fitfully, waking many times to watch the look of peaceful bliss upon Your face. You sleep soundly, innocently, like a babe that knows its next meal is no more than a whimper away. I love You more than I have the words to say.
W/we wake early and I watch as the cab makes You leave me. A meeting in another country means I will be spending the night alone. I want You back and I don't deserve You and the sobs come from deep within my soul.
The phone rings and I snatch at it, knowing it can be only You.
'You are a good girl, you are my good girl and its over, let it go.'
W/we say goodbye again.
The bed feels so big without You in it, my body aches without You next to it. My fingers find their way to my cunt. I tremble and I shake and I please myself over and over, calling out Your name and wishing for Your touch, needing Your pleasure to make me whole again.
I fall asleep and wake to find the day half gone. I lie there watching the clock tick over. I count the hours as the minutes pass by.
20 hours to go.