Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
I went to bed last night thinking about shi's comment that "There is magic everywhere that you two go!" Sometimes it feels that way to me too. I think it is because W/we create magic between U/us. Have you ever seen someone so irresistibly happy that they were infectious? I think a lot of the time it is like that for Mac and I. W/we really do make each other happy and W/we feed from each other's happiness and pretty soon those around U/us are smiling and laughing and loving and lusting too.
That makes what I did just that much more awful.
A couple of weeks ago, I did something that I haven't really talked about yet. At the time I just said my behaviour had been bad and that Mac had forgiven me but I found it hard to forgive myself. I didn't want to talk about it then, because I was told not to wallow in it and I knew that I would. Now I feel like I am at a place where I can accept what I did was wrong and talk about it without punishing myself for it all over again.
I need to start with a couple of things so that you understand just why it all went so wrong. First, Christine is one of my best friends. Mac and Christine can hardly manage to be civil to each other. They used to be friends, but things changed when Mac and I became U/us. I may write about that another day. There are some days I love Christine to bits, and others that I really can't stand her but for some reason I can never sever the friendship completely.
In the morning of the awful day, Mac said that He would come home from work to pick me up for a dinner party at Christine's that I had said W/we would attend. I was looking after my nephew and niece that day and as I would have the children late I told Him to go straight from work and I would meet Him there. He didn't seem delighted at the idea, but He said ok.
Through the day, I managed to change the plans with the kids and I got someone to pick them up early so I could arrive at Christine's with Mac, but I couldn't get a hold of Him to tell Him until it was to late. He had just arrived at Christine's when I called and He said I should grab a cab and come over. I was a little upset at this. Not because He didn't want to come and pick me up, but because He didn't acknowledge that I had made the effort to have the kids picked up. I went a little cold on Him but I didn't say why, I just said bye and hung up. I arrived at Christine's 30 minutes later.
In those 30 minutes, I decided that I would tell Him that I had felt my effort was unappreciated but when I walked in He said something to someone He had been making small talk with, and I got it into my head that He was saying that He didn't want to talk to me. Don't ask me why I thought that, I am really good at projecting my feelings into other people's words. ('That outfit looks good on you' translates into 'When you are not wearing that outfit you are an ugly cow' in Sarah's mind.)
So I did the absolute worst and most stupid thing I could ever do. I confided in Christine. I was angry with Mac and I walked over to Christine and I vented. I told her that I felt like Mac didn't want to talk to me. Knowing she hates me being with Mac and knowing that she is a manipulative person, warning bells should have gone on inside my head but she said the simplest thing in the world and I grasped onto it like a drowning man grasping a float.
'So don't talk to him.'
Simple. Easy. That will teach Him. Also awfully manipulative, horribly disrespectful and not at all how people who love each other treat each other in private, let alone in public. But I didn't think about those awful things. I just went with my anger and cut Mac off.
He tried a couple of times to engage in a conversation with me and others, and I would shut Him out, talking about things He wasn't a part of, or wasn't interested in. I know Mac really well. So well that it was very easy to know how to keep Him out of the conversation. Of course Christine helped. We were like two horrible children doing our best to exclude a third from our playtime.
Mac didn't understand what was going on but He knew He was bored and it wasn't long after W/we ate that He said He had work to do and W/we left. The minute W/we stepped outside I felt horrible. I knew what I had done was wrong and yet I stayed silent. W/we drove home in silence, W/we went inside in silence, and W/we put away O/our coats in silence.
Finally Mac said 'Hello'
Me: 'How was work?'
Mac: 'Couldn't seem to find anything to talk about tonight.'
Me: 'That's because I didn't want You to be a part of the conversation.'
Me: 'I cut You out on purpose.'
Mac: 'Thank you. Very much. And do tell me what on earth possessed you to do that?'
Now I should point out here that Mac has this deadly calm voice that He uses. It means He is very very close to losing His temper in a big way. Anyone who knows Mac well knows that voice means tread carefully because you are walking in a minefield. And I ploughed on.
I told Him that I had been feeling upset when I arrived at Christine's, then He had said He didn't want to talk to me, so I hadn't wanted to talk to Him. He was surprised. When had He said He didn't want to talk to me? I explained. He said that the comment He had made had not been directed at me. He pointed out that He had only done what I had asked Him to do by going to Christine's without me and that He would have much preferred arriving with me and that I had pretty much carried on like a fool. He told me that He was going to do some work and that it would be best if I left Him alone but before He left He pointed out one more thing to me that cut me like a knife.
I had allowed Christine to disrespect Him too.
I don't know if anyone can understand the true horror of what I felt. He was right. Not only had I allowed it, I had encouraged it and I wished the floor would open wide and swallow me whole.
I sat down and thought about it, keeping well away from the room He was in. I wrote out a dozen or so apologies and all of them said I am sorry but it wasn't my fault and I screwed them up and tossed them out. It was my fault. I love Mac and I deliberately set out to sabotage His evening and I succeeded. I did have a little help on the way, but laying it at Christine's feet is like blaming a soldier for a war. She was a participant, but the whole thing could never have been started without me. I knew I had hurt Mac and I knew I had broken a part of U/us and I didn't want to take responsibility for that. I had to though. I had done it. I had to face the consequences.
I went to Him and I knelt and I told Him that I had believed that He had said He didn't want to talk to me but even that was not an excuse for what I did. I had no excuse and I was sorry. I wanted to be His good girl again. He kissed my cheek and told me to stop crying, it was a misunderstanding and that it was all over now. Finished. He still had work to do so I went to bed alone and the next day He went away and I have told the story from there.
I think I can tell this now because the part of U/us that I had broken feels fixed. It may not look the same as it used to and it may work a little differently, but it does work and it feels strong and I know I will never try and break it again.
Yesterday Mac woke up hard and horny, as is usually the case with Him. I snuggled up against Him and kissed Him and ran my nails along His belly. His voice was still thick with sleep and made thicker by His desire.
'Mouth' He said. 'Need you.'
And I slid down the bed and lightly kissed the head of His cock.
'Oh baby' He groaned and He pulled my hair away from my face so that He could watch. He gently stroked my cheek and I took Him inside my mouth, and I dragged my lips up off Him and I licked His balls while my fingers stroked His cock. I caressed Him, I nuzzled Him and I loved every second of pleasure that I brought Him. He came with my tongue licking the head of His cock while my fingers stroked His shaft. I let His semen drip back onto His stomach from my lips and chin. He slumped back against the bed, drained and I giggled at His lack of energy. He smiled and stroked my hair while I licked Him clean.
He left for the city after that, so I didn't see Him all day. I have a vague recollection of Him kissing my cheek and whispering goodnight as He snuggled up against me when He got home. Right now He is still asleep but it is almost time for me to go kiss Him awake.
I am smiling now.
I wonder what magic the two of U/us will make happen today?