Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, January 16, 2004
Taisha asked, "Could you write about (if you haven't already) what it is that makes you willing/needing to submit to any dominate male even in the softest sense?"
I have given this some thought and I am not sure I can answer it. It isn't something that I am aware of or something that I do on purpose, but it is something that I do. It makes me feel comfortable and safe when I am submitting to a stronger male.
I actually have trouble communicating in a general sense. In large groups of people I often feel out of place and I become rather clumsy with my speech and body language. People were always getting the wrong message from me. They perceived me to be aggressive and I came off as someone who thought she was better than everyone else when really, that's not me at all. Even when Mac and I first meet, He thought I was rather bitchy towards Him and it took Him a little while to realise that it was just my insecurities showing through.
I have always believed that insults that other people have aimed at me were a criticism of my character instead of seeing them as more a reflection of the person being nasty. Some people seem to be able to shrug such things off and only worry about what people close to them think of them. I worry about what everyone thinks of me. If I could please everyone, I would be content
I have learnt to always be on show. I put on a witty front and am very much a smartass and people that don't see me with Mac tend to think I move more towards being a Domme. I can be funny and quick with a comeback. I can entertain a whole party. I am also careful about what I say, I never intentionally mean to hurt or insult anyone. I will apologise immediately and publicly if someone was upset or hurt by what I have said.
All this being on show and guarding my words is exhausting for me and I can only keep it up for a certain amount of time. When I find a strong male and submit, I no longer feel that I need to be acting. I don't feel I need to be in control, or entertaining anyone. I feel I can just relax and be me.
I guess that sounds a bit strange, I should be more on guard against the strongest male, but I have found that when I allow my submissive side to show to a dominant male it tends to bring out a protectiveness in them and if anyone dares to insult me, the male will take care of it. The more I allow my feminine side to show, the more powerfully male he will become and if I feel myself becoming aroused by him, his own arousal will rise and mine will feed off it. It is a powerfully strong attraction when it happens.
Not that long ago I was in a situation where I was away for a weekend and ended up in the same hotel as an international rugby team that were preparing for the recently held world cup. Mac was not with me and I went to the bar in the hotel feeling very self-conscious but before long I had attracted the attention of a couple of the players. One of them was a very take-charge sort of guy and upon learning that I liked rugby (I am a huge fan of the sport) he insisted that I sit with him and watch the game.
This guy was easily twice the size of me and none of it was flab. He could easily have held me down with one hand and sitting beside him made me feel very small. Each time he leant over to whisper in my ear to tell me why a ref had made a decision I would feel a shiver down my spine and my cunt would clench and when I would lean in close to ask him a question I would hear his breath catch and I knew he was aroused too.
The game finished and I knew I had to get away from this guy and I said I had to go and thanked him for explaining it to me and he walked me to the door of the bar and kissed my cheek and said goodnight. I almost ran back to my room.
I tried to call Mac but His phone was off, so I left Him a quick message and then I masturbated to the thought of the rugby player forcing me to my knees in the bar and forcing his cock into my mouth while the rest of the players looked on. I imagined him staying still while he held my hair and made me move my head so I was fucking him and he was using me to pleasure himself with very little effort on his part. I choked and I gagged and still he just kept pulling my head onto his cock over and over again. And all the men were watching this slut on her knees sucking on The Alpha Male's cock and none of them would dare touch me without his permission now.
When he pulled out of my mouth and started to come on my face before forcing himself inside my mouth again, they all watched the grateful way I accepted his pleasure and the way I sucked on him to make sure he was finished fully before he released my hair. His semen on my chin marked me as his and I knew that I had pleased him and that he protected me now.
Even while I was masturbating alone this thought filled me with warmth and I came thinking he could find me that pleasing.
I didn't speak to Mac until I got home the next day. He had watched the same game with some rugby mates and was a little under the weather due to the necessary drinking watching the game entails. I told him that I didn't know if the guy had been aroused at all but Mac just grinned and said that no man bothers to explain his game unless he is interested in the woman he is explaining it too.
I was blushing and Mac made me tell Him my fantasy. I asked if it made Him angry but He pointed out that my first action had been to run to my room and call Him and it was hard to be upset about that but He did want me on my knees and He did use me for His pleasure and He did come on my face and in my mouth. I grinned and knew that The Alpha Male was pleased with me.
No one would dare hurt me now.