Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
My breasts are sore and my tummy hurts and I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Mood swings are a bitch and I am one too and I just don't feel like being nice right now.
I am doing a good job of self-loathing because it's too hard to resent Mac. I know He is doing what He feels is best for me and for Him but I also know He doesn't understand. I told Him last month that He just doesn't get that there are times the need I have to hurt gets so strong that I want to rip the skin off my own body just so I can feel.
I know there are ways I can do it. There are things I can do to make myself hurt that He would never know about, never see. But I am a good girl at heart and I would know what I had done and would have to tell Him. I have caused Him enough pain for this year already and I don't want to hurt U/us again.
So now I wait, counting off the minutes, knowing soon will be the time for Him to wake. If He can't hurt me then I need Him to hold me and until He can do that I sit here alone and inside I bleed. I love Him that much.
I know that by the time He reads this, I will be fine again. I too know that this passes as my period arrives. But if I had a choice, right this moment, this is what I would want right now.
"Her cuffed wrists hung from a hook set into the ceiling above her head. A cool breeze travelled over her naked body and puckered her already hard nipples. He walked around her with the arrogance of one in total control and her eyes followed him, needing him and hating herself for that need.
He smiles at her softly while as he cups one of her breasts. 'This is going to hurt' he whispers and she sees the dark desire that lies behind the mask he wears. It frightens her but still she needs him and she lowers her eyes unable to hold his gaze.
He moves around behind her and she can hear the swish of the cane as he sweeps it through the air. She knows he is teasing, taunting her with the awfulness of what it is she desires so much. He touches her back with a gloved hand and she flinches away from him in fear and he laughs at her obvious discomfort. Her hair is wrenched backwards and her neck twists painfully and he whispers gently in her ear.
'You belong to me now and you should be scared, because I want to see you break.'
She tenses herself for the first blow but it still comes as a shock when it lands. The pain bites much deeper than it has before and she finds herself gasping for air. The second blow lands so close to the first that the two pains meld into one. The third follows so quickly that she is not even sure she feels it but the forth reminds her it was there. She expects a fifth but it doesn't come and she wonders briefly if that is all. He hit her harder than she expected and she didn't scream and she takes some pride in that.
Her tensed muscles start to ache and she carefully relaxes them and barely has time to tense again as she hears the arc of the cane come down on her ass again. This time there is no respite as blow after blow cuts into her skin and the grunting of his effort fills her ears.
She opens her mouth and her scream escapes her and she knows that he wont stop. She begs and pleads with him between gulps of air and he increases the strength of the strokes in reply. She screams again and her knees buckle, her wrists now taking her weight. He stops, moves around in front of her and grabs her hair, pulling her up and yelling at her to stand. She manages to lock her knees into place.
He looks at her with mild interest on his face, like she is something to be studied and he releases her hair and tucks his hand under her chin, keeping her head up.
'What's your name?' He asks casually. She blinks and tries to understand.
'S... sss sarah.' She stammers and is somehow not surprised when his gloved hand strikes her cheek, forcing her mind to rock sickeningly inside her skull. He pulls her head back by her hair again.
'YOUR NAME IS DIRT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, SLUT? YOUR. NAME. IS. DIRT.'
He caresses her cheek before tucking his hand under her chin again.
'What is your name?'
Sobbing, she raises her eyes to meet his and she takes the deepest breath she can, filling her lungs with air.
'SARAH' she screams and she winces, tensing to take the blow.
He throws back his head and his laughter echoes around the room and she knows that she is going mad. He raises the cane and she doesn't care, she knows that this isn't real and he can't hurt her now.
With the first stroke on her tits she realises she was wrong and the pain she feels is real. He strikes her again and again on her breasts, her stomach, and her thighs. It hurts so much more than she has ever hurt before and she never wants to hurt this much again. She screams until she has no voice and the cane keeps biting into her flesh until her knees give way once more. He tosses aside the cane and the gloves and his fingers caress her welted flesh.
'What is your name?' He asks again as his hand spreads open her cunt and his fingers find their way inside.
'Dirt' she whispers in utter defeat and her orgasm overpowers her with its force."