Kneeling before Him...



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Tuesday, March 23, 2004

I have a lot of dreams. I am not talking about those things that you one day hope to aspire too, although I also have a lot of those. I am talking about the type of dream that sneaks up on you when your mind is supposed to be shut down for the night. I dream in colour, which is not the 'norm' but not so unusual that I need to be locked away, at least not for that.

When I was a child I suffered from 'night terrors' and I would wake up in a cold sweat screaming my lungs out. The doctor told my mum that my imagination was over active and I just needed to do more sport and read less. My mother dragged me from dancing to swimming and made me ride my bike and play tennis and still I would wake up screaming in the night. In the end she cured it with a magic penny. She gave it to me one day and asked me if I could feel the magic and I swear I felt it tingle in my hand. She told me to put it under my pillow so the bad dreams wouldn't come and I didn't wake up screaming again. One of my nieces has a magic penny too.

As I grew older I still had nightmares but these weren't those ones that you wake from without waking from. For some reason they mostly involved a ticking clock and that's all I could remember from them. If ever I stayed somewhere where there was a ticking clock you can be sure I would wake up in a sweat knowing something bad had just happened in my dream.

Now days if I have a bad dream it most likely involves my sister's death, which is quite strange as my sister is very much alive. This is a repeating dream, I have it over and over again and not much changes each time. We are in a van, my sister is driving and I am sitting by her side. We are talking and laughing, travelling along the road that leads away from my parent's house. We realise there is someone in the back of the van and she pulls the car into someone's front yard and she screams at me to run. We both hit the doors and as I do I hear a gun go off and I run as fast as I can into the woods. I realise there is no one chasing me and I stop and hide a while but I cant see my sister and I start to freak out. I make my way back to the car and I see that my sister is sitting in her seat and as I get closer I realise half her face is gone and all I can do is stand there and scream. I wake up.

As a child I also had recurring happy dreams that I remember. This wont surprise anyone but for a long time I would dream that I was flying alongside a big dragon, so close to it that I could reach out and touch it's wing and I often did. I always expected it to feel cold, but it always felt warm and it surprised me every single time. The dragon would talk to me and I never remembered what it said but I would wake from these dreams with a sense of peace and calm and I would want to go back to sleep and dream it again. I was never afraid of dragons.

Most of the time now I dream of day to day things, like sleeping through the alarm and running late for an appointment and trying to hurry but not being able to move any faster. I had a dream the other day that was pretty funny because I was running late for school. It's been a few years since I was there. Sometimes I have dreams that run like a movie only I am the main actor and the things are really happening to me. These dreams are usually the clearest when I wake and if I don't think about them or tell someone about them immediately they start to fade and by the end of the day I only have the vaguest idea of what occurred.

I once had a dream about Mac. I was in bed with Him and I was upset because W/we were both naked. I was freaking out about my Dad coming in and finding U/us naked. What would he think of his little girl? So I put a t-shirt on in the dream and got back into bed and was quite happy to cuddle up to Mac. Apparently the fact that neither of U/us had pants on didn't bother me a bit. I just didn't want my Dad to know I was naked with a man, though my Dad knows W/we live together and share a bed so I assume my Dad is aware that W/we do have sex. He probably would prefer not to have it confirmed.

Usually when I have dreams about sex, it involves nameless people that are complete strangers to me. The acts themselves are simple, usually oral or masturbatory and the aim of the dream is for me to orgasm and I do, although it is only a very light orgasm that I have.

I think the strangest dream I have, and I have had this a few times, is the one where I am having sex with a girl. Nothing unusual about that, I hear you all say, except in this dream I have a penis and I am making love to her and I can actually feel myself inside her. It is never rough sex and it is never domineering, it is just gentle and loving and nice. I can feel the softness of her lips on mine and taste the sweetness of her breath and the whole time there is this incredible amount of pleasure from the hot wet tightness of her surrounding me as I move myself in and out of her with a penis that I just don't have. It's very sensual and erotic and it feels really good, it wouldn't surprise me if I whimpered in my sleep. I usually do have an orgasm during these dreams but I am always glad to wake and find that I am still a girl. I am not sure if this dream is normal or unusual but I am not worried enough by it to look into it but it definitely feels strange to me.

I am laughing now because I have never told anyone that I have dreams like that and I am sure that it is going to gross Mac out. I have no desire to be male and even when I am having sex with Emma it is very female sex. Sure at times we do use dildos and other things to pleasure each other but I don't have a strap on, or the desire to own one. I don't want to make love to her like a man. I always figure if she wanted to be fucked the way a man would, she would find a man to do it.

So they are the dreams that I have had and in some ways I think my doctor was right. I do have a very fertile imagination and I am sure that it does come out in my dreams. Because of this I don't watch horror movies, they put me on edge and I have nightmares for the next few nights. I do read scary books, but I can control the horror in those so they don't scare me the way that movies do. I try not to go to bed angry and try to think of something happy before I sleep.

I don't believe in hidden meanings in my dreams, I think they are just my mind dumping images it needs to dump or my body taking care of things it needs to take care of.

So tell me what you dream about or if you dream at all or if you think my dreams mean I should be locked away.

Mac, You are not allowed to vote in the locking away, You know me too well to be objective.


Posted by Sarah McBroden at 7:26 am

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