Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, March 14, 2004
I look back over the last two posts and I wonder if people actually understand. I read your comments and I know that some of you do. Mac has been really busy with work and it has been hard on me. I am used to having Him around a lot more. W/we went through a lot of changes to O/our routine in a short amount of time. I don't deal well with change.
Also, I needed to be strong for Mac. I needed to be tough enough to handle the distance between U/us. At times this was a physical distance, He has been away a lot of late, and at times He has slept in O/our bed but He was too exhausted to talk and too tired to listen and W/we knew that tomorrow was going to be an even longer day. I didn't want to put any more pressure on Mac. I didn't want to be a burden. So I started to shut down. I started getting cold towards Him.
I have issues with trying not to love too much. I was once told that being loved by me is like eating a very sweet dessert. You want it, you crave it and a few bites in you realise that if you get any more you are going to throw up. I always think that description is apt. I believe that after a while my love becomes too sweet. It gets sickening and I so I take it away. Not just a little bit, all of it away. I can't seem to find a balance so I keep it all inside.
So I had all these things bubbling away inside me and I couldn't let them out. Mac took them from me in short bursts when He could, the night with Ben and the night He made soft gentle love to me and I cried were two of the times. But still it was there.
So when Mac had the time He took the pressure away. He did it because I asked for it and because I needed it. He did it because He knew that if He didn't, I would do it to myself and at least He had control of it this way. He did it because He knew it would arouse me enormously and there are definite advantages to having an extremely aroused girl by your side. He did it because He wanted to protect me from me.
Did He do it enough? Yes, it was enough, but if I had a choice, I would have taken more. I begged Him for more. He said no. I trust Him fully to know what is enough and I know when He says no, He means it.
And now it feels like He is here, even though He isn't. Work is keeping U/us apart again but I feel connected to Him more. I know that He will take care of me and He doesn't think I love Him too much and He can deal with what needs dealing with. It feels like He took the weight from my shoulders and I can relax and get on with doing the things I have to do to be the best me I can be. His me.
Yesterday I walked into the hallway in just a skirt and bra as I was hunting down the top I wanted to wear. Mac had just walked out of the other room and He looked at my half dressed body with appreciation. I smiled at Him. He pulled me towards Him. I ran my fingers through His hair and He kissed me. I sucked on His tongue. Then I had my back to the wall and His cock in my hands as He pulled up my skirt and lifted me, guiding me slowly onto Him. W/we made love like that, lip sucking, muscle clenching, cock throbbing, toe curling love. There were many whispered words of love and appreciation most of which Mac denies responsibility for as He was on the verge of orgasm when He said them, but I know that each of them was true.
When W/we were finished, He lowered me to the floor and my knees trembled, hence being fucked against a wall being called a knee trembler. Mac was telling the truth.
"Sarah likes knee tremblers."
Sarah likes them very much.