Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, March 26, 2004
I want to have a say on blind obedience. Now before I do, I want to say that I know there are people out there that do the blind obedience thing and it works for them. I know there are Doms that expect it and subs/slaves that want to give it and I am not criticising anyone for this. What I am writing about today is how this affects Sarah and why it isn't done in my relationship with Mac.
On Tuesday Dan wrote about a submissive that had been ordered to clean a toilet while watching her favourite TV show. That was my example I used when talking about a previous relationship of mine. It was actually my first relationship where we recognised the roles of Dominant/submissive. It wasn't his first relationship.
I am going to repost the example here:
"Scene: Sitting in the family room, him on the couch, me on the floor at his feet. My favourite programme is on and it is about halfway through.
Him: go and clean the toilet
Me: what, now?
Him: because I said so
Me: (frowning) but I am watching this
Him: DO AS YOU ARE TOLD
Me: (getting pissy) I like this show.
Him: the point is you are my submissive and I need you to obey me
Me: (pissier) but I am obeying you by sitting at your feet.
Him: that's not enough
Me: (really pissy) am I being punished?
Him: no but you are going to be, now go clean the fucking toilet.
And off I would go to pointlessly do something while missing out on something I enjoyed, not because I had done anything, just because he wanted to deny me that pleasure, he needed me to obey his every whim. I would feel like I had failed because I did not want to clean the toilet right then, I did not want to do what he said just because he said it, and then I would feel even worse later on when I was punished for being such a failure."
The words I wrote there that strike me even now are 'pointlessly' and 'failed'. That is truly how I felt. It didn't matter that he said that it wasn't punishment. It FELT like punishment. He took away something I liked and replaced it with something I didn't like. I was expected to obey because I was a submissive and I said I would.
Being the people pleaser that I am, and feeling like I had failed was very hard work for me. I would punish myself for it for days on end. I was such a bad submissive, I was displeasing, how could he even stand to be around me? Melodramatic? Yes, but hey, I am really good at melodrama when it comes to the way I feel about me. The thing is I did obey him. I would argue the point for a very short amount of time, and then I would obey and accept any punishment for the little arguing I had done because he was trying to make me a 'better submissive'. Of course what he did was reinforce what I already knew about me, I was a bad submissive.
The next time he asked me to obey just because he wanted to, I again would wonder what I had done wrong, would once more assume I was a bad submissive and it continued in an ever lowering spiral until the end.
He cut me loose with an, "I release you." When I asked why, he said that he didn't have to have a reason. He told others it was over because I was too demanding. Not only was I a bad submissive, I was a demanding submissive as well.
Quite frankly I should have expected this from him. After all when we first started out, the first thing he had me do was write an essay on why I deserved to be trained. Trained? Yes trained. Apparently from the start I wasn't good enough, he was going to make me better. You see, in spite of my faults, he saw some good in me that he thought he could bring out. I believed he was right. The relationship was never about two people being happy with whom they were, but about one person trying to get what he wanted from the other.
There are things that Mac says to me all the time that I appreciate and cherish. One is "I don't love you in spite of who you are, I love you because of who you are." Mac has no desire to change me, but to allow me to be the person I am most comfortable being.
Another is, "I know that if I order you to do something, you will obey me. Knowing you will obey is enough. I don't need to see you do it. I won't take advantage of you." Mac knows that it lowers my self-esteem to be made do something just because He wants it. He doesn't see a need to make me blindly obey Him just because He can. He knows that if He wanted I would serve Him and He cherishes that, finds it very feminine and allows me to serve Him when I feel the need to, but He never demands it of me and He would never take away something I enjoy just because He can. He may take it away because it is bad for me, to protect me or because it is interfering in U/us but that reason will always be explained.
You see, the thing is, as arrogant and brash as Mac is, as much as He will say He takes what He wants from O/our relationship, one of the things He wants the most is my happiness. He enjoys seeing me shine when I am beside Him. He takes pleasure in knowing that I smile when I fall asleep at night. He doesn't want a silent sullen girl that spends her time wondering what it was that she did wrong and being too scared to enjoy something because He could take it away.
Some of you have asked if Mac writes like I do. Well, I did post a story of His before. It was fictional and sexy and a little wicked. This one is a little different. This is His way of telling what happened when W/we first met Emma from His point of view. It is actually the second part that He wrote me about it, it was quite a weekend. Maybe one day Mac will let me post the first part. Maybe...
There is much laughing, and noise, and drinking, and if not yet at full swing yet there is still a momentum to the occasion. I introduce you to the others on our table. There are 12 of us...me, 5 of my team mates, and their girlfriends.
You are sparkling and beautiful and the men look at you appreciatively through lustful eyes, hoping their women don't notice. Woman of course miss nothing and can pick up the signs that their man is looking at another woman from 2 rooms away....but men don't realise this. Needless to say the womens' eyes inspect you from the top of your head to your kitten heels in the way that women have that they think no one sees.
Outwardly you are sparklingly beautiful. Only I know that your slight flush is from lust, that under your shimmering dress your breasts are bruised and sore, both from being sucked and bitten during hours of sex and also from the roughness of my chin. Only you are aware of course that even more than the soreness and bruising, your nipples are swollen and aching with lust, needing to be used again
Your other secret of course is in your panties. Because I have not let you change, your panties are still awash with my pleasure, and yours. It makes a heady brew, this mixture of Mac and Sarah arousal.
I look across at you. Your lips are glistening, swollen. Your eyes are narrowed and glittering. I can see your tongue gently licking your fingers, to the world an innocent little mannerism, but I know that seconds earlier your fingers have been secretly inside your panties.
Your face gives me the message loud and clear that you are ready, as always. You know I demand that you are always instantly ready to take my pleasure, wherever, whenever, and however I want it.
I look behind you to a door. You follow my eyes. I jerk my head just once. You know what it means. It means...woman, go, prepare to please your Male.
You delicately take a sip of champagne, dab your lips, take your purse, and stroll elegantly, sexily, across the floor to the door. I lean back in my chair and am amused and pleased that many many eyes watch you, most lustfully, some enviously, some bitterly, some bitchily.
I wait. You never know how long I will make you wait, sometimes even if I will show at all. But you get ready anyway.
The door leads to a room with another door which you go through. Through this door is a small lounge, just a bar and some couches and stools.
You step out of your panties and put them in your purse. You have seen your man's face and know that he will want you quickly. You also know that at times like this you just need to be ready for whatever he wants, to please him with all you have, and that your pleasure will come from satisfying your Male's desires, whatever they may be.
In prepartion for is arrival you kneel, and wait, head bowed. You look so beautiful kneeling there, your back straight, your hands demurely in your lap, your head modestly bowed. I pause at the doorway at the sight of you, my eyes narrowed, my penis already straining at the zipper of my pants, my throat thick with lust, my balls feeling full and heavy, and I realise I have never lusted you so much.
Then I am at your side. You keep your head bowed and speak softly. 'How may this girl please you, my love'
In answer I take hold of your hair and pull your head back. I lower my mouth you yours. You are aware of the male roughness of my chin and as my mouth touches yours your lips open and my tongue explores your eager mouth.
I taste immediately your sweetness, the sweetness from between your legs, and know that you are ready as I like you to be. I know that there need be no preliminaries, that you are eager for my lust, although outwardly demure.
I pull you to your feet by your hair, and push you face down over a soft stool. 'Show me, girl' I say, in a voice thick and low with lust.
You reach for your dress and pull it over your hips. I am pleased you have removed your panties. You hear my zipper slowly being pulled down and tense as you wait for my cock. Instead I surprise you and kneel behind you.
You gasp as you realise I am parting your legs and that my tongue is reaching for your pussy. Immediately you clench as my tongue traces the lips of your vagina, and reaches your clitoris.
You are soaked. Still your pussy is hot with me but now you are so aroused the wetness is tasting more of you, that sweet taste unique to you that makes my throat constrict.
Now I am spreading your cheeks and licking between the crack in your sweet ass. My tongue finds your ass hole and teases you a little, just circling it as I savour the taste of you. You start to moan 'please Mac please' but I toy with you and make you wait. Then as my fingers gently stroke your clitoris I press with my tongue and you feel it start to penetrate the opening of your ass. I feel you push back on me and my tongue slides into you, deeper, and deeper. I feel your cunt spasm as you orgasm and I tongue fuck your ass more and more. When your orgasm subsides I stand, and take hold of my engorged and throbbing cock.
By now I am wet with precum which I bring to your ass, mingling my precum with my saliva and lubricating you for what is to come.
I just hold the head of my cock against your ass hole. You feel it and moan. I feel you push back, trying to entice me inside you, and I hold and press and press, and press, and tell you to relax ready for that moment you love when the head of my cock finally penetrates the resistance from your ass and I can slide into you.
There! The head of my cock enters you, and you gurgle with both a mixture of lust and relief. I hold there for a moment or two and again urge you to relax. As you do I press further and further, until I am so far into you that my full testicles are pressing against your pussy.
Now I mount you, and you feel my weight, and you are helpless, unable to move at all. I kiss your cheek then suck your neck as I begin to fuck you, my cock staying deep but my hips thrusting and with each thrust you cry out without realising it.
I am biting your shoulders now and am starting to growl with lust and you know I am close to spilling inside you. You instinctively begin to flex and relax your ass muscles. You cannot help doing this. Every fibre of your feminity needs your Male to spill his seed into you and your body takes over so that your ass is sucking his cock to urge him to spill.
I hold still and growl low and long and you turn and slide a tongue into my mouth and that takes me to the edge and I bite your lip so hard we both taste blood and my cock swells and pulses and the first pulse of hot semen splashes into your ass and I thrust and thrust my hips for what seems a long time until finally I am spent and collapse my full weight onto you.
You lie under me, a quiet smile on your face, knowing you have pleased your Male.
Then with shock, you realise that someone is standing to the side, silently watching. It is the girl from the table with the long blonde hair and the green eyes...you forget her name. Emily was it? Emma? You wriggle with embarrassment until you catch her eye. She holds your gaze for a moment, a look of pain on her face, and then looks down. You follow her eyes and realise she has her dress up and her hand inside her panties and the look of pain was her orgasm. Again you catch her eye and she whispers....want to taste?
She comes and kneels beside your head and traces your lips with her fingers, then licks herself from you.
'May I help you clean up your Man?'
You smile in reply and she kneels beside you as I withdraw from you and stand, and together you lick my softening cock and my balls quite clean, both of you starting to giggle when your tongues touch. I zip myself up and you both stand and you stand on tiptoe and kiss my lips and you say 'darling we need to repair the damage in the ladies room...see you back at the table'
Back at the table I lean back, take a sip of brandy, light an obscenely fat cigar, and start to plan how I will use you next. Both of you.