Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, March 27, 2004
I would like to thank the five beautiful women that answered my questions with an honesty and openness I didn't expect and was surprised and pleased to receive. These women showed their true beauty in their answers and I think they are all worth reading. Thanks to shi, Carrie, Luci, nicki, and D^Anerah[IW].
Last night, seeing as this is the last Friday night W/we will be living in this little apartment, (funny how it has become so much littler since I have known about the house,) I decided to make Mac a nice dinner. By nice I mean I cooked this wonderful pork recipe with a to die for cherry sauce. Not only did I cook it, but I rummaged through boxes to find the things necessary to cook it. I sat at the table after presenting the meal to Him and awaited eagerly for Him to try what I knew was simply a marvellous dish. And what was He whom is sophisticated beyond measure's response?
Well, after sniffing at it and screwing up His nose He actually tasted it and said (honest, these are His words,) "tastes ok but the gravy is a bit lumpy." THEN to add insult to injury He said "tomorrow night, can W/we have sausages, eggs and chips?" Now a mere mortal without previous knowledge of this Man may have become upset at His total lack of comprehension of what had gone into this meal. A mere mortal would not understand that the Man that she adores is a total Neanderthal when it comes to food, but I just shook my head at Him and enjoyed my meal and tried desperately to think of a way to get Him back. The best I could do was to remind Him that He hasn't packed His desk yet. He said that He intends on shoving everything into the drawers and taping them shut. I don't think He understood that it was a dig at Him.
I, of course, should be completely unsurprised at His lack of enthusiasm. It's not like this hasn't happened before. For the first ever dinner party W/we held, I was determined to impress His friends. I outdid myself with a lovely Duck a l'orange. The women ohed and ahed and I felt all warm and tingly at what a success it was until I noticed Mac kind of pushing things around His plate. Then I noticed that the other two men did not exactly look enthusiastic either. I started to panic! What was wrong?
Mac kind of looked at me glumly and asked why I had served pudding with the main course. I still, to this day, have no idea how I was supposed to answer that one. I knew He wasn't kidding, but I really wanted to laugh, (or was it cry?) W/we actually made it through that dinner and it was successful and since then when people come over for dinner W/we tend to throw slabs of meat on the barbeque and I make salad so they can use it to decorate their plates. The men seem much happier that way.
Then of course there are the restaurants. The sure way to stop Mac in His tracks is to happily announce that W/we have been invited out to dinner. He will look at me warily and ask me just where this 'out' is and if I answer with anything other than the word 'pub' He starts to look like He is in pain. Invariably as W/we are walking through the door of some upper class restaurant He will grasp my hand and say 'Do you think they serve steak here?'
This is not to say He is not adventurous. In fact while dining in Spain He decided to try this little wild pig thing. It was served kind of pegged out on this board and I managed to eat nothing but salad for the rest of the trip. He insists it was delicious and I was quite happy to agree with Him without any of it passing my lips. So it's not that He won't try anything new, it's just that when it comes to food, He prefers for it to look like it has been hunted down and killed. The pretty stuff is for girls.
Mac? Was there anything about food I left out?
So how long did I hold a grudge over dinner? Truth is I didn't. Time between U/us is so limited and precious that dinner is not worth holding a grudge over. Not much is. Right now, Mac and Sarah are learning a very tough lesson on the value of time.
Sometimes I get angry that He isn't here to move a heavy box. Sometimes I get frustrated that He isn't here to get the things down from the high shelves. Sometimes I get sad that I can't just go and give Him a hug. Sometimes I get pensive that I can't just call Him to hear His voice change when He realises it is me. (Am I the only one that loves that? He answers the phone so business like and when He realises it is me His voice smiles!) Right now to call Him while He is in the middle of work would just be annoying and disruptive for Him, so I wait until He has time to call me.
Yet when He does arrive home, or when W/we wake together in the morning I hug Him and kiss Him and tell Him that I love Him and W/we talk and laugh and make the most of the time W/we have. I will admit that I have wondered if I should tell Him that I miss Him and tell Him that I am lonely without Him but the thing is (and thankyou Amber and Dan for helping me see this) there is nothing He can do about the time W/we are spending apart and He is doing it to secure a future for U/us so I really can't complain. So instead I have been suppressing my anger and my sadness to please Him and I have been feeling slightly guilty at not being totally honest with Him. I know He hasn't asked, and if He had asked I would tell Him the truth, but isn't hiding something the same as lying? Doesn't omission make me as guilty as if I had told Him I was fine when I wasn't? Not always. Especially when He already knows.
The thing I need to remember is that W/we have that rule, you know the one? "Don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer." So what it comes down to is that W/we both know its there and there is nothing W/we can do about it but make each moment W/we have count. Of course, I didn't know that He knew until He told me yesterday that knowing that I was doing my best to give Him my best, that at times when He comes home and expects me to pout and be sullen but instead I am sweet and just pleased to see Him, it makes Him love me more. And when He can choose where He wants to be, it's me He wants to come home to because He knows that there will be no recriminations and there will be no blame. Here He will just find love.
Don't get me wrong though. It isn't always bloody easy. (Grins at Mac)
And last night, when He took me to bed He lay over me and crushed me into the bed. I was helpless without the use of any restraints, just His body over mine. He put His hand over my throat and held it carefully, using enough force so I couldn't forget it was there and being tender enough not to bruise my skin. He fucked me while He whispered the wickedest and most evil things in my ear. He whispered to me about being fucked and ass fucked by many men. He whispered to me about cocks covered in the semen of other men that had already filled my pussy being brought to my mouth to taste. He whispered about whippings and blood and semen stinging the welts and that mix being scooped into my mouth. He whispered about being raped, He whispered about being slapped, He whispered about big men that hurt me. He fucked me until my body exploded and when it did He took my breath from me just for a moment, so I remembered who was in charge. And He did it again. He continued until I was only able to whimper and sob, until I couldn't find the words I needed to make Him stop. I was crying and He was asking me questions and I didn't know how to answer them. Then He made me beg for His orgasm. He forced the words from me, made me plead through my tears for His semen, and when He came I bled from the mark He left on me.
He gives me everything I need.
I have to give Him all the love I have.