Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, March 20, 2004
On the 18/03/04 over at The Collar Purple, The boss and Invidia (I love the red bottom, have a look) had a fight that led her to the conclusion that 'it's not about fair in a D/s relationship'.
It made me think that many times I have looked at Mac and pouted, 'that's not fair' and that many times He has shrugged and said 'double standard, you know'. And He is right. There is a double standard in O/our relationship. What's good for the gander is not what's good for the goose. There are times when I am whining that Mac will end an argument with 'because that is the way I said it will be'. And He means it. Discussion has ended. No correspondence will be entered into. At those times I have to grin and bear it. Later, when things are calmed He may decide to elaborate further, or He may decide not to. I have to believe that what He is doing is the best for me and leave it at that.
Is it easy? NO! I want to follow Him around and question it but I know that by that point I have pushed Mac just about as far as He will go politely, whatever comes next will not be pleasant. I am allowed to wallow in silent anger or self-pity for no longer than five minutes before that starts to tick Him off too. After five minutes I have the choice of Him removing Himself from my presence or stoping the injured 'why me?' thing. Sometimes I stop and life continues on. Sometimes I don't and Mac finds something to do that doesn't involve me. He will go to the gym or go do some work or go to see friends and leave me to sort it out with myself.
He isn't exactly angry with me, He just doesn't see the point in wasting time sitting with a silent sullen submissive when He could be doing other things. That also works for me because sometimes I need to think about things quietly before I can make sense of them. I often have trouble digesting things in an intense verbal dialog (and you can read that any way you want) as they are coming at me too fast. Does this make me slow? Dim-witted? Unintelligent? No, I think it just means that when faced with conflict I allow myself to be ruled by my emotions. Later when the emotions have run down, I can see the sense in things that I may have missed before. Sometimes I don't see the sense in things even after thinking about it, but I have to accept that it is out of my hands.
Another double standard is in O/our behaviour. When W/we are in public Mac can be loud, arrogant bordering on obnoxious, be crude, and use language that would make a coal miner blush. I, on the other hand, am expected to maintain a certain level of respectability. When I get loud He frowns, crudeness is not tolerated and swearing is not acceptable. I asked Him about this one night after a dinner where Mac had asked one of the girls a question that had left her and the rest of the women at the table blushing. I asked Him what He would have done had I asked one of the men the same question and Mac looked surprised. He said that He hadn't thought about it, because He knew that I would never ask a man a question like that. Then He decided that if I had asked the question, it would have been the last time I ever did such a thing. When I then asked why it was ok for Him to ask it, He said, 'I am a man, double standard and all that' and He shrugged. In truth I wasn't angry about the questions He had asked, just curious to know if He saw the double standard too.
There is also a double standard in His expectations. It is expected for me to leave a note if I am going out, and to let Him know what time I will be home. It is expected that if I am running late I will find a way to let Him know. It is expected that He will know the people I am with and will be notified if my plans change. He on the other hand will disappear and if I need to know where He is or what He is doing, I should call Him, after all that is why He has a phone. (Yes I have one too but that is not the point!) The reason for this is apparently that He is a big boy and can take care of Himself, whereas I am a girl and He takes care of me so He needs to know that I am safe.
And of course there is the double standard in the bedroom. He is the only one of U/us that is allowed to say no. This has never really been a problem because I want it more than He does anyway. Right? So last night, W/we climbed into bed together, (Yes! He was home when I went to bed!) And I snuggled up to Him and started to stroke His body. He tucked me into Him tightly and told me to go to sleep.
'Oh. But um well, don't You want to...?'
'Sarah I am exhausted I just want to go to sleep, maybe in the morning, ok?'
And of course I did understand. He was tired. His natural bounciness is more like a roll along at the moment. And of course I lay there pouting and thinking how unfair it was. I wanted sex. I needed sex. This was the first time W/we were in bed at the same time in a long time. I wanted to love Him. And it took me a long time to drift off to sleep.
At some time during the night I felt Him get out of bed and assumed it was to go to the bathroom or get a drink (probably both) and I went back to sleep only to be woken again what was apparently not much later.
'Sarah? Baby? You awake?'
'Baby, I want you to make me come.'
'Wont take much baby, I just want to come.'
'But You didn't want to?'
'That was last night.'
'Just fucking do it woman.'
So I wrapped my legs around Him and did what I was told and He was right, it didn't take long. He snuggled up next to me spreading my legs open and He played with my clitoris until I came (that didn't take long either). He gave me His fingers to suck on and I am not sure which of U/us fell asleep first.
This morning I watched Him sleeping and I didn't want to wake Him because He looks so innocent when He sleeps. He woke up Himself and He smiled. I would pay a million pound for that sleepy little smile full of love and contentment.
It's a smile that only I get to see.