Kneeling before Him...



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Thursday, March 25, 2004

Shi posted some questions in my last comments. She did this because I asked her to. Of course in asking her to, I also told her I didn't want to get stuck answering boring questions. I am sure that you all are not interested in my favourite colour jellybean (yellow) or that my first pet was a Dalmatian called Lady.

So here are my questions and answers.

1. You've shared a ton of personal/sexual fantasies on your blog, some of which you've enacted; it seems like there's nothing you wouldn't share. Do you have any fantasies you are hesitant to share, and why?

Yes. There are fantasies I am hesitant to share. There are some that I doubt very much I ever will share. I have at times expressed a desire to be hurt beyond any pleasure I may receive. I have also expressed that at times there is a part of me that thinks I deserve to hurt. These fantasies are not about sex, but about power and about how powerless I sometimes feel. They have at times gone deeper than rape fantasies and I feel that the majority of readers would be horrified and shocked by just how deeply seated this desire is and how far back it goes. I once said to Mac, 'You think You understand, but You don't have a clue just how much I deserve to be hurt' and even as He held me in His arms and heard the words I had to say, He really couldn't understand. I shared some of the fantasies with Mac. I shared with Him the basis of the pain. He was shocked. He hurt for me and He helped me work through a lot of what I was feeling. I don't feel the need so desperately any more, but my feeling is that if it was hard for Mac to comprehend while He was holding me in His arms, how can I explain it to everyone else through a computer screen?

2. If you (God forbid & knock on wood) became physically unable to make love to Mac (or vice versa), how would this affect your relationship, what would you use as a substitute, and would this substitute suffice?

I think that this comes back to the fact that Mac and I started out as friends. Mac and I were good friends, at times closer than W/we probably should have been. Almost from the moment I met Him I made Him my mentor and, without either of U/us understanding what that meant, He accepted the role with good grace and was often my protector and my hand to hold and my guide. I believe these are roles that Mac will always have in my life, no matter what. Even when Mac and I were not on speaking terms for three months due to a friend induced misunderstanding, at the very first sign of trouble in my life, I emailed Mac and He responded. For almost 9 months, email was the only contact W/we had with each other and then it was only when I needed someone to lean on. He would always reply. (Even if it was just to tell me to stop sulking and get on with it.)

Mac has said to me, "I love you enough to keep you around even if W/we didn't have sex and I lust you enough to have sex with you even if I didn't love you." He has also said that there will always be a place for me beside Him, no matter where I decide to go. So I guess what I am saying is that if W/we were unable to make love to each other, part of O/our relationship would stay the same. If I was unable to make love to Mac, I know He would seek out sex elsewhere. Sexual contact is a normal physical part of life and I would not expect Him to do without, though I would prefer He did it discreetly, I wouldn't feel the need to know about it.

I think, and this is just my thinking, I don't actually know what Mac would do if He was unable to make love to me, but I do think He would still enjoy watching me pleasure others.

As for would it suffice, no. It would be like a part of me was lost and I could never replace that.

3. Where do you hope to be in life at age 60?

There is this rambling old house that's actually 'up the road a bit' from its neighbours that W/we take possession of on the 31st of March 2004. When I am 60 I hope that I am sitting on the patio of that house, watching Mac walk up the garden from the orchard with the grandchildren in tow. I imagine the boy will have a rugby ball and the girl will have ribbons in her hair and Mac will still be taking His grandfather's stick for a walk. (His grandfather had a stick that he always took with him when he went walking. Mac often takes the stick if W/we go out for a walk. I half think Mac wanted the house because it is the perfect place to take the stick walking.) I actually hope that one day Mac's grandson will take the stick walking too.

4. If you could only pick ONE method to attain orgasm for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

It would be through intercourse, simply because of the closeness of the act. I want to come while He is inside me. I want to share my orgasm with Him. I would hate for it to become a strictly solo act.

5. What do you think of the UK? (As a place to live, politically, etc...)

The UK is cold. Even when it is summer and hot, it is still not really hot. I miss long summers and mild winters. It is nice where W/we are, which is as far away from a city as W/we can get without it being impossible for work. There are lane ways and sheep and the new place has a stud up the road so W/we will be able to go see the foals. In autumn last year, the leaves here were absolutely breathtaking in colour, there was something about the right amount of sun and rain to cause extra sugar in the leaves that turned them into spectacular colours as the season changed and I love that living here gives me time to appreciate things like that.

I will admit though, the cities move too fast for me to be comfortable in, but then I was never much of a city girl. I am quite content without the hustle and bustle of being in a hurry to get anywhere. I am definitely a person who takes the time to appreciate the journey as much as the destination.

As for politically, well, in all honesty I am not big on any political front. I know there is some guy called Tony Blair running the place and a dear old Queen that has a lot of trouble with her children, but I pretty much go to bed at night and wake up in the morning knowing that someone is looking after the place. The thing about politics is that at any time, the opposition have the freedom to tell you what you want to hear, while the elected party have to tell you what they really can do. Of course when you elect the opposition, the same thing happens. If anyone wants to have a go at me for this, just let me point out, that when it comes to politics, I just don't care.


6. How would you define 'love?'

Have you ever looked up the definition of love? They use words like affection, fondness, liking, and attachment. They could be talking about how I feel about my mobile phone! I also once looked up love in a thesaurus and it added adoration, devotion and infatuation. I have looked for another word that means the same thing as love and there just isn't any that cover it.

I personally have so many definitions of love.

The way He takes a curl of hair from my cheek and tucks it behind my ear.

The way He becomes so gentle when He holds me.

The look He gets when His eyes catch mine across a crowded room.

The smile that He saves just for me.

The way He says my name.

The way His arms feel around me.

The way He holds my hand when I am nervous.

There is other love of course, the love of a parent, the love of a child, the love of a sibling and the love of a friend. I could go on. I guess what I am most caught up in right now is Mac and so my definitions are based on Him. I know, I know, I am awfully soppy. I am sorry about that but I happen to be madly in love.

TA DAH! Now in the spirit of it all, if anyone wants questions asked of him or her, let me know.

I was going to post about domination but it's already getting late and I want to post this so I will write about it tomorrow, but I will add something quick that is on my mind.

This morning Mac and I had sex and it was quite strange for U/us because W/we completely failed to connect. Mac went to kiss me as I shifted my head, He moved His hand to my breast as I was moving my hand and I managed to knock His away, and it continued in such a slap stick manner that it became a concentrated effort just to make Him come. He did, and W/we talked about it and laughed about it and then He had to go to work. I had to mention it because it is so very rare for U/us to be so completely out of whack but it does happen. It can't be perfect every time.

I guess this means W/we need more practice.


Posted by Sarah McBroden at 7:43 am

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