Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, March 01, 2004
There are times, like yesterday, that O/our moods just don't match and W/we tend to need to give each other space to sort it out. Or at least, Mac needs to give me space so I can sort it out. He just figures it will pass on it's own. He is actually probably right, but I do need to sort it through and work out the whys and wherefores or I know it will just drive me nuts.
I still haven't been getting the amount of sleep I need and I am still waking earlier than I should. This means that my energy levels which have been running on high for a couple of days will suddenly take a nose dive and I want to spend a day curled up with a book and napping to catch up.
Mac however is a bundle of energy and He gets to the stage where if He isn't unwound He will pop. He exudes this energy in waves and somehow people around Him get caught up in it too and suddenly He can make any place come alive. But yesterday for me, watching Him bounce from room to room like a tightly coiled spring just made me feel my lack of energy more.
He wanted to go out to lunch and see some people and I tried to beg off but He really wanted me to go too. And I went without pouting and I went without complaint because I wanted to go for Him and I actually did have a good time. I wasn't as up as I usually am and I wasn't as noisy as I can be but I still enjoyed watching Him entertain.
When W/we got home Mac asked me the dreaded question and I froze like a rabbit in a spotlight.
This question is the one of the worst in the world to ask and I am yet to figure out a correct reply. I knew He was asking because He really wanted to know but I could see U/us heading into an argument I wanted so much to avoid.
If I told Him nothing was wrong, I would have been lying and He could obviously sense something was off kilter. I would rather have Him pissy over the truth then have Him angry over a lie and like every couple in the world the truth is not a thing to toy with.
And what was the truth? For the moment I couldn't see it and I could see something awful like 'I didn't want to go out' slipping from my mouth and making Him feel like I was accusing Him of forcing me to go, which wasn't the truth. He wanted me to go, but I had only shown a tiny resistance so He wasn't to know that I would have preferred to stay home. And like I said, I had actually enjoyed myself.
I took a deep breath and I told Him I felt that I couldn't answer the question without one of us getting mad. He sighed and said ok and W/we each retreated to separate rooms.
I sat here for 30 minutes listening to the silence and wondering what He was thinking about. Then I spent another hour trying to get the words right and I was happy with what I had written when I was done. It told Him the truth of what I was feeling, and it said it without laying any blame because there was none to be laid. It said that I had a good time and even if it wasn't the best time, I am still glad that I went. I told Him that I tried for Him, and even if I failed it didn't mean I loved Him any less. He is worth trying for.
That is something that I truly believe. Even if it isn't what I really want, He is worth trying for.
Just as I finished writing it I heard a stirring in the other room and He bounded in to smile and say hello. He asked what I was doing and I told Him I had written Him an Elaine letter and He shook His head and grinned at me and I smiled at Him in return.
I asked what He had been doing and He stretched and said that He had been napping and I couldn't help but laugh. I was sitting in here stressing over the question I couldn't answer and He was so worried about it, He fell asleep!
I went to fix Him something to eat before He went to the gym, (sleeping makes Him hungry, well, life makes Him hungry) and He read the letter while I did. He came out to me and I knelt because it felt like the right thing to do and He touched my cheek and told me that I didn't fail, and that I was a good girl and He leaned down and kissed me very softly.
He ate His snack and then W/we had some quiet snuggle time on the bed, whispering and giggling before He got up to go to the gym. I had a nap while He was gone and I felt so much more alive when I awoke.
The rest of the evening was lovely and ordinary, dinner, television, reading, and more giggling and chuckling. When W/we went to bed I was surprised that I was tired. W/we snuggled up real close and kissed each other goodnight then I hid my face in His neck and asked Him really quietly if I could make Him come. He dug me out from His neck and tilted my chin up so He could kiss my eyes and He told me He was tired and didn't think that He would come but I could jerk Him until He fell asleep if I liked.
W/we kissed some more and He was hard within 30 seconds of my touch and I didn't so much jerk Him as caressed Him with my hands. I love His penis. I love the hardness that hides beneath the silky smoothness of the skin and how I can make it throb with my touch. I caressed His balls too, feeling them shift as His sac tightened under my attentions and I giggled at Him in girlish delight. Sometimes I wonder how many of His orgasms are because of my touch and how many He gives to me out of love. Maybe all are both, I don't know, but I love it when His breath starts to catch and His hips push His cock into my hands no matter how hard He tries not to and I know the intensity of the sensations are ruling His mind.
He whispered my name and I moaned as the waves of pleasure washed over me through His orgasm. I know that I don't come when He does but the enjoyment is similar and it leaves me feeling deeper contentment than my own orgasm could. The sticky heat of Him on my tummy fills me with peace and I slept more soundly and longer last night than I have in weeks.
I know that there are people that will say that equating His semen with His pleasure with His love for me is not quite right but when I know that I have made Him come I feel complete. If I had to make a choice between my orgasm and His, I would pick for Him to come every time. It's what feels right in my heart.
His semen has dried on my belly over night and it pulls at my skin when I move.
I smile each time it does.