Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, April 22, 2004
I dreamt last night of a girl whose collar was carved into the skin of her neck. It fascinated me in a repulsive way. The girl's skin was still raw from the carving but I watched as she explained the intricate knots that had been etched there. She cried while she talked about it as she hadn't wanted the marks to be put on her and when she had finished talking I kissed away her tears and held her. I don't remember anything more than that.
Mac feels I have a need to mother someone, to heal them and care for them, to smother them with love. It can't be Mac. Whenever Mac is injured or there is a problem, He pulls away from me. He doesn't tell me what is wrong, or why it is wrong until the problem is solved. He doesn't believe in a problem shared is a problem halved, unless the problem is mine. He believes that as the Man of the house, His problems belong entirely to Him.
Of course, when it is solved, He will come to me and tell me everything, from the time it started until it was solved and suddenly I will understand why He has been so reserved. In the mean time I have imagined 20 other things it could be, the number one reason of course being me. It is frustrating. It is downright bloody annoying, but I knew this about Him long before W/we became U/us. I knew what it is like to live with because I watched my mother struggle with my father and the same issue for years.
So I try not to struggle with it and give Him whatever space He needs while still giving Him the love I need to give Him. It's like walking a tightrope between smothering Him and pulling away from Him. It is really hard to get right, and I don't get enough feedback from His isolation to know if I have achieved a balance. Yet He calls me a complex creature.
In the dream, the hurt was visible, the problem tangible and I could comfort her with all the love I have. See, I am simple after all.
This is for me.
They lay quietly, almost softly together. She didn't feel like moving in case it disturbed the peace into which they had both retreated. Her body relaxed and she allowed her mind to drift over the past hours they had spent together.
She had felt His need for her the moment He had walked through the door and she had been pleased that He would come for her when He desired release. He had seen her satisfaction and smiled to Himself, knowing that this one took her pleasure in His.
He had not been gentle with her, knowing that she would not expect Him to be so. She did not submit to Him to be put upon a pedestal and handled with care. She submitted to Him because she received no greater pleasure than that which He took in her. She knew the world was hers when she was on her knees by His side.
He had taken His pleasure quickly, forcing His cock deep into her ass. She had known the hot urgency in which He wished to come and had pushed back against Him, tightening her muscles in an effort to bring about His climax. He had spilled inside her as she sucked His tongue and she had quietly grinned as she squeezed His cock and squirmed against Him to make sure He was properly finished.
As He had slid from her and rested back onto His knees she had turned to face Him. He had watched her warily, His slut, who never seemed to be satisfied with bringing Him to one orgasm. She sat in front of Him and let her fingers wander down her body. She took her time, stopping to tease her nipples into full hardness, then slid them along herself spreading her pussy open wide. He could see the wetness of her and he watched carefully as she buried two fingers of her other hand deep inside herself. She moaned low and soft when her fingers were fully inside her, her thumb pressing against her swollen clitoris. She had closed her eyes and let her head fall back as she had slowly fucked herself, knowing that He was watching her. He had let her to build almost to the point of orgasm before He had pulled her hand from her and pushed her onto her back.
He had entered her even as her legs had wrapped tightly around His back. She had met His thrusts with her own and when she came it was hard and harder still as His teeth found her neck and drew blood. He never paused as her body shuddered beneath Him, increasing the force of each thrust as her pussy contracted tightly on His cock. She swore and bucked as His teeth moved to her breasts, marking them with bruises that would remain as reminders of His pleasure for days to come. She found the words to beg Him for His orgasm and He gave it to her, deep inside her. Their tempo changed as she nuzzled into His neck, kissing Him softly as she let herself contract on Him. She had unlocked her legs from His back and He had rolled from her to lie beside her on His back.
She had taken a few minutes then to allow them both to catch their breath, but as the first of Him leaked from her she had moved again, positioning herself over His mouth and spreading herself with her hands. She dripped onto His tongue and He pulled her down on His mouth hard. She screamed as His teeth abused her already sensitive clitoris, her pussy fucked by His tongue. His hand had reached up and found her nipple, pinching it hard as she came again, this time contracting on His tongue over and over. When He had finished with her He had moved His mouth slightly to the freshly waxed skin beside her clitoris and He had marked her hard, a mark that still ached and throbbed as she lay next to Him.
He had pushed her from Him then and she had grinned at Him and licked His cheek where His semen had mixed with her come and fallen on Him. He had growled at her to clean Him and she had gladly moved her mouth to His already hard cock and taken Him into her mouth. She had slowly sucked on Him, the urgency gone. She coaxed His orgasm gently from Him, taking some of His come across her breasts before taking Him back into her mouth and greedily sucking Him dry.
She had then lay beside Him, not wanting to move, savouring the taste of Him on her tongue, the stickiness of Him on her breasts, the heat of Him leaking from her body. Her ass, her pussy and her mouth still ached from His use, her neck, her breasts and her pussy still throbbed from the marks He put upon them.
She felt Him shift slightly and heard His breath slip into that slow gentle pattern of sleep. Suddenly she had a desperate urge to tell Him of everything He meant to her, of everything He gave her and how He made her feel. She turned to Him and pressed her body against His side. Her movement roused Him from the doze He had fallen into and His hand come up to caress her cheek. He felt her hesitant smile beneath His hand and He turned onto his side to face her. She looked into His beautiful blue eyes and then lowered her own, bowing her head even as they lay beside each other. He smiled and waited for whatever it was that she felt the urge to say. She struggled with the words inside her head and eventually all she could find was one.
He just barely heard her whisper 'Thankyou.'
He tucked a finger under her chin and raised her face to His. He kissed her forehead, her eyes, the tip of her nose and finally her lips. Soft, gentle kisses. She knew that He had understood. He wrapped His arm around her, pulling her closer to Him.
'Now sleep,' He ordered and she closed her eyes and felt herself flying. She smiled in contentment. She knew He was flying too.