Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, April 10, 2004
I have tried to write this a couple of times before but it always goes for so long and sounds like such a drama that I delete it. This time I hope to make it through. This all started about two and a half years ago, about a year before I became Mac's. The way things stood at the time:
Mac had just finished a long-term relationship with His girlfriend.
Sarah had just finished a long-term relationship with her boyfriend
Christine had been seeing Dan for two years and they were looking at making it permanent.
The reasons that Mac and I had split with O/our partners were completely unrelated. He and His girlfriend had been having problems for a while. I had just found out about another woman my boyfriend had been entertaining himself with. (I think that made her woman number three that I knew about at the time.) Mac's girlfriend was making it hard on Him, constant phone calls, discussions, meetings, they were really doing the job on each other. My boyfriend was trying hard to get back into my bed too. It was a very confusing time.
During this time Mac pointed out to me that I happened to be in love with Him. It came as a shock to me. I stuttered and stammered and denied it, then admitted it, then denied it again. Mac smiled and let me tell Him exactly why I wasn't in love with Him and then told me again that I was. He was right. He was honest with me, told me that with everything going on, He was incapable of loving anyone the way they should be loved. I understood. O/our friendship remained close. Mac would often come and talk to me when things got too much. He listened when I was having a bad day. It was a hard time, but it was a good time. W/we learnt a lot about being friends.
At the same time Mac and Christine were growing closer as friends too. Christine knew I was in love with Mac, I had confided in her and she would often giggle with me over Him.
One day, Mac and I made a mistake. W/we were at my place, just the two of U/us, just talking. He went to leave and I followed Him to the door and He turned around to say something to me and I moved the wrong way and He moved that way too and W/we kissed. It wasn't planned and W/we hadn't meant to but it was like all this tension between U/us was released. It didn't stop there and I ended up on my knees, His cock in my mouth, His hands in my hair as He said 'don't swallow, baby. Don't swallow.' And I didn't swallow and He knelt and kissed me, taking His semen from my mouth and He pushed me back and dribbled it onto me. I came under His tongue. He crawled up my still shuddering body and He kissed me. I held His face in my hands and W/we both knew it was wrong. I moved out from beneath Him and walked unsteadily to the kitchen and got myself a glass of water. My hand was shaking as I drank it. Mac asked if I was ok and I said I was and I put the glass down before I dropped it and walked back out to where He was standing. He looked so... worried.
He said He was sorry and I told Him it was ok and my heart was breaking. He asked again if I was ok and I tried to sound really cheerful and make Him believe I was. He said He should have shown more restraint and I hated Him for standing there and making it feel so dirty when it hadn't been, I just wanted Him to go. I told Him I was fine, it was just best forgotten and shooed Him out the door.
Then I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I am sure Mac was cursing Himself too. O/our friendship was important to the both of U/us. It hurt to know W/we had probably destroyed it. When I finished crying, I called Christine and we talked about nothing in particular. She realised I was upset and asked me why and I told her that I was fine and that Mac had just left. She said she was surprised but refused to tell me why she was surprised. I didn't pursue it.
The next day Christine and I were at the pub with a group of friends. One of the guys we know asked me why I had broken up with my boyfriend and much to my horror and embarrassment, Christine announced that it was because I was in love with Mac. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I tried to deny it because it wasn't true. I hadn't broken it off with my boyfriend because of Mac. Christine went on and on about it, laughing at my denials until I just said I had to go. I rang Mac as soon as I got home. I left a message on His answering machine and I was so upset that I really didn't make much sense.
When He got the message He came to see me. I cried on His shoulder for a while. I was not only embarrassed for me, but for Him too. I knew that He was trying to work things out with His girlfriend and I didn't want to spoil anything for Him. He told me it didn't matter. He was just worried about me. As long as I was ok He would be ok. I told Him I could handle it and He laughed and called me a big tough girl. He told me to stop crying and He kissed both of my eyes and when I opened them and looked at Him He told me I was beautiful. Then He said He had better go. I agreed that He should.
W/we saw each other on and off over the next couple of weeks. W/we laughed a lot, and there were some tears but mostly W/we just enjoyed being around each other. One of the days Mac told me that being loved by me was the nicest thing that had happened to Him in a long time. Another day He told me that for whatever reason I had given Him my heart and He was going to do everything He could to protect it until I asked for it back. During that time an old friend had come back into my life and told me that he was a dom. I was curious, very curious I wanted to see what this guy had to offer. I had always had an attraction to him but as I had been with my boyfriend, I had never done anything about it. I didn't know where things stood with Mac except that He kept saying that He wasn't ready to be in love. So I made a choice and the other guy and I started dating. I told Mac about it the next time W/we were alone.
He told me that He had fallen in love again too. It hurt to have Him say that but I understood. I never asked her name, I didn't want to know who she was. As soon as I could I called Christine. I was cool and calm, told her that when I told Mac about the new guy, He had told me He was in love too. Christine said 'I know.' I jokingly said 'I can handle it as long as it isn't with you.' Silence. Suddenly I knew.
'Oh my god, it is you. Mac has fallen in love with you?'
'You have to ask Him, I can't tell you, I promised that I wouldn't tell you.'
I started to cry. She started to curse Him, telling me that He had no right to lead me on the way that He had while He was telling her that I meant nothing to Him, that I was just another member of the "Mac Fan Club", that He liked having me around because I was good for His ego. She said He had told her that I would never mean anything too Him. I was destroyed. I told her that He must have been lying to her, that He couldn't have meant the things He said to her. W/we had been intimate. He had to care about me. She asked what had happened between U/us. I told her that I wouldn't go into detail, but it had been intimate and He must care. She was furious and told me that she was going to have nothing more to do with Him. I was confused and upset and needed to pull myself together for a date with the other guy so I hung up.
The next time Christine and I spoke she told me that Mac had asked her to leave Dan for Him and she had told Him no. I pretended I didn't care. She told me that Mac was chasing her all over the place, practically stalking her and He couldn't get it through His head that she wasn't interested in Him. I told her that I hated Him for using me the way He did. She told me I had to tell Him that. I decided that I should. I confronted Mac. I think my first words to Him were 'I never want to speak to you again you bastard.' It degenerated from there. Mac asked what He had done. I was ropable, how dare He act so damn innocent, He knew damn well what He had done. In the end He turned and walked away. W/we didn't speak again for 3 months. Christine told me I had done the right thing.
The next time I saw Christine she told me that she was getting tired of Mac begging her to leave Dan. I told her I didn't want to ever hear His name again. She said ok.
Two months later I found out that Mac was back with His ex-girlfriend. I was happy for Him.
A month after that, I split with the dom. I was so devastated. I didn't know where to go or who to turn to, except Mac. I sat down and wrote out what I was feeling in an email. I didn't know if He would reply. He did. He told me I was ok, that I was still the same beautiful girl. I just had to relax and believe in myself. I thanked Him and W/we left it at that.
I started dating Greg pretty much straight away. That lasted three months before I found out He was cheating on me. I was destroyed. What is it about me that makes men cheat on me? Why couldn't they love me? Why?
I wrote to Mac again. He wrote back telling me I pick the wrong men and that I had to stop choosing men and let one pick me. I wrote back to Him saying that all men suck and I was taking a three-month break and staying manless. He wrote back again telling me that He gave me two weeks tops. W/we still didn't really talk. W/we just emailed every now and then. Every time I got sad about being on my own, He told me to wait, that my One was out there, I just had to give him time to find me.
It was another four months before I actually bumped into Mac. I was blind rotten drunk, misbehaving with a couple of girlfriends. Mac was stone cold sober and I must have been a real sight. I could hardly stand up. He stood around laughing at me and shooing away any man that could see I was an obvious easy score.
He decided that for my own safety He should drive me home. I started crying. (Poor Mac.) I asked Him how He could be in love with Christine when He didn't love me? Why didn't I mean something to Him? How could He not care? He smiled at me and said He wasn't answering anything while I was so drunk. W/we could talk about it when I was sober, if I still wanted to talk about it then. I cried some more and Mac made sure I made it inside my apartment and told me to go to bed. He left.
A couple of days later, I called Him and asked if W/we could talk. He came over and W/we did talk. I asked Him why He had fallen in love with Christine when He was telling me that He couldn't love anyone. He was surprised. Really shocked. When He told me He had fallen in love He meant He had fallen back in love with His girlfriend and they had decided to give it another go. He made me tell Him everything Christine had said. He was furious. There were so many lies. I had hurt over nothing. He never asked her to leave Dan. He certainly wasn't stalking her. He wasn't leaving her messages, He wasn't telling her He loved her and He never told her that I meant nothing to Him. He told me that for months Christine had been telling Him that I was telling everyone that Mac would come crawling back to me on His hands and knees begging me to take Him back. I was shocked. I didn't even want to talk about Him. Why on earth would I have said that?
She had done an excellent job of keeping U/us apart. W/we had spent ten months virtually not speaking to each other. I had spent ten months believing I was worthless because He didn't care about me. The longer W/we talked the more lies W/we uncovered. I cried a lot. He got angrier and angrier. He told me that all He had wanted to do was protect me, He had tried so hard to make sure I wasn't hurt and Christine had hurt me anyway.
I confronted Christine about it. She told me flat out that she had never said those things about Mac. She swore that she never told me that He was in love with her, or that He didn't care about me. She swore that she never told me that He was stalking her or that He had asked her to leave Dan for her. She just flat out said she had never told me such things.
Mac confronted her about me saying that He would come crawling back to me. She told Him she never said that either. She told U/us both that W/we were ganging up on her and she was innocent. She had said nothing of the sort to either of U/us. Mac told her that He didn't give a stuff if she needed to pretend that she had rejected Him for an ego boost. He didn't give a fuck what lies she had to tell to make herself feel better. He was just pissed off that she could hurt me to do it. He told her that she knew how hard He had tried to protect me and that she had used her knowledge to stab me in the back while whispering to Him about how nasty I was being. He told her she was an evil conniving manipulative bitch and that if He never spoke to her again it would be too soon.
She came to me crying and I tried not to be sympathetic to her, I tried not to care but I do love her and I do care and it hurt to see her hurting as much as she was. She begged me not to turn away from her, she swore again that she had never said those things and yet I know she did, I heard her say them. I wondered to Mac if it was possible that she didn't remember. He asked if it mattered but He could see I was hurting over it. He told me to let it go, to forgive her, to forget it and move on with the friendship.
So I forgave her, but I didn't forget. Mac didn't even try to forgive her. If she had hurt Him, He would be able to, but because it was me she hurt, He just has no time for her. He is coldly polite to her when He can't avoid it. She treats Him in the same manner and the only reason they offer each other that courtesy is because of me. I avoid talking to either of them about the other. Neither of them hides their contempt. It's hard at times, but I do love them both. I just don't know if I can handle her hating Emma as well. I can handle what she did to me. I can forgive her the hurt and the lies, but I won't let her hurt Emma. I would never forgive her for that.
The really strange part about it all is that had Mac and I gotten together back then, it never would have worked out. W/we both spent that year learning a lot about ourselves and it was a very important time for me and for Him and W/we both believe that W/we needed that time to be ready to be together.
There. That's it. Sorry it was such a long story. But that's the reason that Mac and Christine can't stand each other. I know that if Mac, Emma and I believe in each other and trust each other, she wont hurt U/us. W/we wont let her.
And today W/we are going to buy a bigger bed, because when Emma stays over O/our bed is too squishy for the three of U/us to sleep comfortably and I have a feeling that she is going to be staying more often now. Emma and I have grown closer of late and Mac has loved watching us fall more in love.
He says it is a beautiful thing to see.