Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, April 14, 2004
I woke late yesterday morning. I was exhausted from spending the afternoon/evening with Emma. I will also admit to having a lot of trouble sleeping of late. I wake in the middle of the night and cant get back to sleep. Monday night was no exception despite the amount of lovemaking Emma and I had done.
So I woke late and Mac wasn't in O/our bed. I looked at the time and I thought that He might already be gone but I got up and went looking for Him anyway. He was in the kitchen eating marmite on toast and drinking tea. W/we said good morning and started talking stuff, like any ordinary couple does at the breakfast table. We talked about desserts and the playgroups He went to as a child and of course rugby, there was a logical thread to these conversations, but I cant for the life of me remember what it was. When it came to a conclusion, as these things do, I asked Mac what His plans were for the day and He outlined a busy day of contracts and meetings and interviews and more contracts and meetings. I smiled at Him. He then pointed out that He had meant to be on His way twenty minutes ago but He was frittering His planned morning away talking to me.
'So,' I said. 'I guess fucking you is out of the question.'
'Well...' He gave it two seconds thought. 'W/we could fuck if you liked.'
I was a little shocked. First of all that sounded like a yes and second of all, "if I liked?" What was that? It's not like I have ever said no to Him. One day a long time ago (maybe as far back as two weeks) Mac and I were talking about sex. He said that the way to get a girl to please you was to fuck her from behind with your finger on her clitoris. The idea was to make her come and come and come until she was so grateful that she wanted to please you. She wanted to wrap her legs around you and tangle her fingers in your hair, she wanted to thrust her tongue into your mouth and drag the orgasm from you. I must have been looking at Him funnily because He quickly added, "except with girls like you." My sexual pleasure has never been a high priority with Mac and even He will tell you that He has never been as sexually selfish as He is in O/our relationship.
Of course there are times that He actively sets out to make me come, but even those times are simply because that is what He wants to do.
I blinked when He asked if I wanted to and I asked if I had ever said no. He laughed.
'Upstairs,' He ordered. 'Naked, I don't have long. Now!'
I calmly got up from the table and walked lady like up the stairs. (Ok I bolted up there like a rat up a drainpipe, sighs.) He laughed at my enthusiasm. I expected a quick over the bed fucking but I was in for a surprise. He started to undress completely and I knew He had something more in mind. He undid His pants and His cock sprang free. It was huge and swollen and throbbing. He told me that it hadn't been that way when W/we were talking, it only started to throb when I asked if W/we could fuck. I giggled and told Him He was easy. He grinned slyly at me and told me He would show me easy.
He pushed me onto the bed, shifting me into the middle of it then He climbed over me and straddled my chest. He slapped me once then He gripped my hair in both His hands and slid His cock into my mouth. He fucked me like it was my pussy. I choked and He didn't stop until He was ready to. He pulled out and slapped my face again, using both hands to slap me, one side then the other. Over and over again. I started to cry. He slid down my body until He was kneeling between my legs and He thrust His cock into me deeply.
I came, convulsing on His cock. He rode out my orgasm inside me, enjoying the sensations on His cock. He leant down close to my ear and whispered coolly, 'Now which of U/us is easy, bitch?' I grinned at Him through my tears.
He brought His cock back to my mouth, covered in my juices. He slid up further so my mouth was at His balls. I was told to lick while He took my hand and tied it to the rope that W/we keep tied to the bed. One hand one side, the other hand the other side, my arms were spread across the bed. His cock had smeared my juices across my face. He lay over me, and licked my cheek.
'You are mine now, and I can do with you whatever I please.'
I shuddered and a slow lazy smile spread across His face causing me to shudder again. He wasn't in a hurry anymore.
He used me as He wished. He used me for His pleasure. He covered me in teeth marks and bruised me with the switch. He made me bleed. He pulled my hair and His nails bit into my skin. I cried for Him to never stop. I screamed at Him for more. He took me to the place He wanted me to be and took my orgasm from me and then He dragged me back to Him so He could do it again. I tasted my blood. I tasted my come. I tasted His precum and when He had had enough He pushed His cock into my throat and filled me with His semen. I pulled against my restraints until my fingers went numb. I wanted to push Him away, I wanted to pull Him to me harder, I came and came and came and never wanted to stop.
When I had given Him all I could and He had given me all He had He released me. I curled into a ball. He kissed my cheek and stroked my body and told me that He had to go. I didn't care. I didn't want His comfort. I just wanted to sleep. I snuggled up to His pillow and sleep I did. Hours of it. I slept until He called and woke me to find out if I was all right. I told Him I was starving and hung up to find some food. I found some juice and gulped it down then wandered back up the stairs and fell asleep. I woke again later to find some food and have a bath and that exhausted me enough to sleep again. When Mac got home I was grateful that He had already eaten and I stayed awake long enough to snuggle in His lap and tell Him I was going to bed and I crawled back under the covers and back to sleep I went.
They say that the body needs to sleep to heal. Was I healing? I am not sure, but I felt I needed that sleep more than I have needed anything in a long time and I needed the release He gave me to get the sleep. Today I feel centred, calm and complete. I ache in places and some of the bruises are visible, on my breasts, on my wrists and on my neck. They will quickly fade.
I keep thinking back over it and reliving it in my mind. It wasn't hard and it wasn't scary. I never am afraid of Mac. I trust Him with my life. There was no pushing of limits and nothing that W/we hadn't done before. The whole time I was on the verge of coming, or actually coming or recovering from the orgasm I just had. It was decadent and delicious and the focus was not on the pain, not on hurting, but on the pleasure W/we gave and took in each other. The rough sex was just the means that W/we used to get there.
I think if Mac was interested in pushing my limits, in making me feel the pain, in making me fear Him, I would start to question the line between consent and abuse. If I ever said enough and He didn't stop, if I ever told Him it hurt and He ignored me, I would question His love for me. I am His. I belong to Him. He should want to protect me with all He has and all He is and if He failed me when I needed it, when I was at my most vulnerable, it would take a hell of a lot to build the trust in Him again.
I worry that some women want to give this to their man. At times in the past Mac has said that men who want to hurt women shouldn't be allowed near them and in an effort to be liked by everyone, I have failed to support that belief. I should be true to myself and not to popular demand. I am supposed to be honest. I would like to say I am sorry, both to Mac and to the people that read me. You don't have to agree with what I say. I am sure there are those out there that don't. The thing is, I don't want people to think that I hurt to please Mac. He doesn't force me to accept the pain. It is His gift to me, not the other way around. I hope I never ever wake up next to Him and have to tell Him that it was too much. I am not sure that W/we could come back from that.
My thighs are already sticky today.
I know it is going to be a good day.