Kneeling before Him...
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Monday, April 19, 2004
On Saturday, Mac and I discussed what I would have done if I had found an alpha male while out on Friday night. What would I have done if there had been a male there that all the other women wanted, that had looked at me, teased me, sparred with me and then ignored me? What would I have done if when he was finished, he had turned to me and said, 'come, wench, take My hand, I am going to use you now for My delight'? How would I cope with that?
I would like to say I would say no to him. I would love to admit that no one would turn my head from Mac. But I would be lying. If there were one that arrogant, that confident in his ability to be what I needed, I would follow him. At anytime during O/our friendship, had Mac said those words to me I would have followed Him. It was almost an unspoken agreement between U/us that I was His to take at any time He desired, even when I belonged to other men. It didn't mean that I didn't love the ones that I was with, because I did love them. I just longed to be Mac's.
The men I was with at the time probably were more aware of it than I was. They were always jealous of Mac while I was just aware of a dull ache that He left in my stomach. I knew how hard I punished myself when I had disappointed Him, I knew I tried hard to impress Him, I knew that the rest of the world seemed to take a back seat when He was around, but I wasn't in love with Him. Not me. No. Never.
When I belonged to Him, Mac told me He had always known that I would be His if He wanted it to be so. He told me He treated me much more gently than He would treat anyone else because He knew that if He pushed, I would do anything for Him and it would have hurt me to leave the one that I was in love with at the time. And He was right, is right. If at any time He would have said 'come, take My hand,' I would have left everything else behind. I would have fallen gratefully into His lust and not given anyone else another thought until He was sated. If there were another who knew how to do that, if I ever met a man that can do to me the things that Mac does, that knew how to get under my skin, I would do the same.
In the time that I have known Mac, there has never been another man that has made me desire him in the way Mac did and does. The world still slips away when He is near me. I lose track of time and I have no clue what others are talking about. I am still hypnotised by His masculinity, still powerless to His desire. He only has to stand next to me and I feel weak, smile at me and I turn to jelly. I love Him so much.
Sometimes I wonder what that makes me. Who am I that I would hurt anyone and everyone to cater to His lust? Who was I that His girlfriend wouldn't have mattered? That the man I love wouldn't have mattered? Who am I that I could be turned from Mac? What sort of person am I that love is not enough to keep me here? What sort of person am I that would follow another?
Saturday He asked me if I would tell Him if there was one that made me ache. I told Him I would. There is no point to U/us if I am not honest with Him. He agreed. I wanted to ask Him what He would do, but I already know. He would tell me to go to the other man. He would tell me that when I was finished with him, He may still be around, but He would doubt it. He would not fight for me. There would be no great clash of swords for the honour of the fair maiden, not because I am not worth fighting for, but because sometimes if you have to fight for something, it probably isn't yours.
He asked me if I really wanted to find another. The answer is yes and no. It frightens me beyond belief to know that there could be one out there that I would give up everything for, and yet the thought of it excites me too. Sometimes when I am lying in His arms, I feel like everything is perfect and that is something that I never want to lose.
Perhaps I just like to scare myself.
Perhaps I just don't know.