Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Self-destructive. That is something that I am. I can cause myself great pain and misery just with my perception of things around me. I can bring about the end by imagining it so. I can force His hand into waving goodbye because I am convinced that is what He wants so that is the direction I push Him. Away. It tires U/us both.
O/our conversations of late have been more like two friends meeting across a table, than of two lovers who touch each other's souls. It will take work and effort to get U/us back to the connection W/we once had. I know that Mac doesn't have the time or inclination to work at it, so I need to make it so that He doesn't realise He is putting in effort. That's ok, because the work in bringing U/us together was always done by me. It never feels much like work anyway, it just feels right. It is His job to slay the corporate beasts. It is mine to keep O/our love strong.
Some weeks ago, I asked Mac to accept my deeper submission. He did and then I promptly took it away. I withdrew from Him in the fear that I would burden Him. I was afraid that I would become too hard to love. That wasn't fair. Mac would never have accepted if it wasn't something He wanted. He never would have said yes if He weren't prepared. And I am much harder to love when I am hiding who I am.
I haven't knelt by His side in what feels like such a long time. I haven't felt the deep contentment of being His for a long time either. I haven't felt the thrill of being His good girl, of pleasing Him, of feeling Him stroke my soul. I have lost my sense of peace and I am willing to do anything to have that back. The scariest thing is that the only thing I have to do is be me.
I remember back to the beginning of U/us, when W/we first went to a party as a couple instead of two friends that met up there. I remember being so afraid of what people would think, of what everyone was saying of how they were judging U/us to be. I overheard things like 'it won't last' 'she is good for His ego' 'He will tire of her quickly enough' and I spent most of the night hiding behind Him when all He wanted was for me to shine. He sent me from the room to find somewhere that W/we would not be disturbed. I went outside and He followed and He told me to stop pouting and pulled me around to the side of the house.
I have written here of a memory, the silences and the things W/we said are as true then as they are now. It is how W/we were and how W/we should be. It is how W/we love.
She lent forward and braced herself against the wall like a common dockyard whore. He positioned Himself behind her and casually lifted her skirt. Nothing was said between them, nothing needed to be. She knew what was expected of her, what He wanted, and she wanted to give it to Him. She slid her hand between her legs and held herself open for Him and He simply pushed His cock inside her.
She was wet and slippery, ready to accept Him as always. He marvelled at His girl, the obvious thrill she took in pleasing Him, giving Him whatever He wanted, whenever He wanted it. He thrust into her again and He felt her clench herself against Him.
'Whore,' He growled at her. 'Bitch. Cunt. Slut.'
He could not see the wicked grin that filled her face with delight. Or the way she bit at her lip to keep from crying out. He did however see her arch her back and He felt her muscles grip at His cock with greater urgency, her need becoming desperate. Her mind repeated His words over and over, becoming a chant as she fucked Him. 'His whore. His bitch. His cunt. His slut.'
'More,' she whispered throatily. 'Please give me more?'
He dug His fingers into her hips and she whimpered as He grunted and ground His cock deeper into her. She squirmed back against Him forcing Him inside her even deeper again. She contracted her muscles in rhythmic spasms, almost drawing the semen from Him. He heard her begging Him,
'God baby come, please come, please fill me with You'
His grunts changed to growls and He came in gushing spurts and her whimpers turned to delighted gurgles as she felt His semen fill her. She kept tightening against Him as His cock softened inside her and she cooed softly to herself as He slid from her.
She stood and turned and kissed His lips softly. Her hands gently slid along His now soft cock, playing in the stickiness they had left on it. Her tongue nudged His lips apart and slipped quietly into His mouth. She kissed Him deeply and they both felt His cock throb in her hands.
'God' He exclaimed.
'Nah,' she whispered quietly. 'Just Your girl.'
He chuckled at her and she shone for Him. She kissed Him along His jaw line and found His mouth again.
'Mmm,' He murmured to her softly. 'We have to get back.'
He felt her move to kneel before Him and He reached to stop her. She pouted at Him and He grinned and pulled her to Him. He slid His arms around her and gently bit her lip.
'I want to feel you on my cock. You may clean me later. Possibly.' He shrugged.
She smiled contentedly and He let her go and helped her straighten her skirt. He slid His hand up her inner thigh and was surprised at the amount of wetness that had already leaked down her legs.
'God' He exclaimed again. This time she just smiled. He brought His hand to her mouth and allowed her to lick it clean. He offered it to her and she held it with her own. He led her through the doorway and she followed Him happily.
Before they joined the others He turned to her and raised her hand inside of His.
'Don't let go, little one.' He whispered.
She felt her heart grow wings.
He took great delight in watching her fly.