Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, April 24, 2004
Two days ago I wrote about a dream I had. It was just a quick description of the dream because I remember very little of it. This is what I wrote:
"I dreamt last night of a girl whose collar was carved into the skin of her neck. It fascinated me in a repulsive way. The girl's skin was still raw from the carving but I watched as she explained the intricate knots that had been etched there. She cried while she talked about it as she hadn't wanted the marks to be put on her and when she had finished talking I kissed away her tears and held her. I don't remember anything more than that."
Danor then asked if I thought I knew the girl. My first thought was an immediate no. I had not recognised the woman in my dream. Then I realised that not recognising and not knowing are two different things. Perhaps I do know her.
I thought of Emma. Emma is a businesswoman. Her career comes first. She has very little time for the complexities of an involved 24/7 relationship but at the same time wants the love and affection that comes with a relationship. That makes Mac and I perfect for her. W/we place very little demands on her time but both love her and she loves U/us too. She has the freedom to do as she pleases and the love and approval of two people who mean a lot to her. It works very well. She is not collared. She does not belong to either Mac or I except by her own desire. She accepted Mac's dominance when she came to O/our bed and still accepts it to this day. I think she appreciates this one area of her life where she gives up control. When it is just Emma and I, we are neither submissive nor dominant with each other. We are more like two mischievously playful kittens, each made much braver just because the other is there to hold their hand. Some would say we are a bad influence on each other. Others would say we are a good influence on each other. Just depends on who you are.
I think Emma would struggle with a collar. It would be too tight for her to wear, but I also think that at heart Emma is submissive. She uses her time with U/us to recharge her batteries, to indulge in being a girly girl because she is not allowed that indulgence in the rest of her life. At times she struggles with this.
That led me to think about if there were other women that were struggling with their collars or with their submission but even though they don't want to submit, it is a part of who they are. Do I know anyone like that? Yes I do. A lot of women. I get emails from them, I read blogs by them, women that say 'I want to submit but when I do, I feel a need to reassert my independence.' Women that say, 'How can I be an intelligent, strong, worthwhile person and submit?' I don't have issues with this. I am an intelligent, strong, worthwhile person and I submit. I have a lot of independence within my dependence on Mac.
In some ways Mac is like a superior at work. I go along on my merry way until I run into trouble. Then I go to Him. He sets the budget that I work to. He deals with the things that are out of my league. I am left to get on with the things I have authority and responsibility to do. At the end of the day, both of U/us are needed for the work to be done. I am half of the Mac/Sarah team and without either of U/us the team doesn't exist. I don't think this is the answer for everyone, but it works for me.
So the girl could have been Emma or she could have been a lot of women that have been in my thoughts. Maybe she was all of them and maybe she was none. That's the thing about dreams. It's hard to tell what they really mean, if anything at all.
Last night I climbed into bed naked. Mac was already there. His body was toasty warm and I snuggled down beside Him, my back to His belly. He spooned against me. I thought, 'mmmmm.' He put His arm around me and kissed my ear and lay on His pillow pulling my body towards His. It was warm and it was delicious and I suddenly realised that what I was feeling most was love. Amazing how it can be defined by something so simple.
Sometimes I look for it too hard.