Kneeling before Him...
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Saturday, May 01, 2004
Cin at subthoughts asked me for some questions. She did it in a round about way, not sure she was ready to answer questions on someone elses terms. In the end she got the questions and she answered them beautifully. Her answers start here. Thankyou Cin.
What makes a submissive woman - and/or what makes a woman submissive?
Kris asked me that question a few days back. I am going to say first up I am not qualified to answer that question. I am only sure of what I feel and believe (and some days I am not even sure of that) about me. I am a submissive woman. I know that. I have been a submissive female ever since I can remember. All my memories are tainted with a desire not to lead but to be led by a stronger Male.
When I was little, between the ages of 3 and 5 I had an imaginary friend. He was dominant and male and he was the one that kept me out of trouble. He was the voice that reminded me not to get my dress dirty and to pull up the sleeves of my jumper before I washed my hands. He was my guide. He reminded me not to do the things that would make mummy mad. I never tried to hide him. The whole family knew about him because I talked about him often. It was him that I would go visit when my mother hit me, he would tell me I was still a good girl and he would hold me until it stopped. He used to play lots of games with me, but he always won. He was smarter and stronger than I was. He never went away until I started school. I didn't need him for a while.
I know that this imaginary friend was just an extension of me. It was a strength I didn't think I had, but it is interesting, at least to me that I made that part of me, the stronger, smarter, tougher part of me, Male. It is almost like I didn't want that part of me to be a part of me, even at that age.
I am still somewhat uncomfortable with that side of me. I much prefer not to have to be dominant. I much prefer not to have to take on the responsibility. I find it exhausting. One of the first things Mac said to me after 'you belong to Me' was 'you can rest now, I will watch the world for you' and it was true. I could relax because I had Mac taking care of me. I thought I had put that side away for the last time.
Of course it wasn't that simple. Mac still goes away and with His work schedule being like it is, I have had to look after myself. That old dominant wall has come between us time and time again. I feel like I am fighting myself to submit to Him. I want to submit, but I feel so very vulnerable so I don't allow it and then I am left feeling so very tired again. I have found that going out and being around other people with out Him or even without Him to come home to, is just too hard. It is much easier to hide away from everyone and wait until He is ready to come too.
I have made no secret of my belief that I was recreated the day that Mac made me His. He doesn't believe this is true. He believes that all He did was allow me to be the person I always needed to be. He feels that He freed the real Sarah from the cage she was using to protect herself. Either way, up until I became Mac's I was fighting with the submissive me. I was trying so hard to be everything else everyone expected of me. I was trying to be the independent career woman, the in-charge of her life, kick ass woman that everyone respected. I was trying to be in control of my emotions. I was trying hard to pull up my socks and get on with it. I was surviving, but I wasn't living. (I think I have said that before.) Thing is it is true. I could have gone on like that, and I can go back to that but it isn't a good way to live.
So what makes a submissive me? I think nature and nurture took care of that for me. What makes me submissive? Mac does. He would argue that a strong dominant male does and maybe He is right, but for now, that strong dominant Male is Mac. And He will do me just fine.
Mac got home this morning after spending two days incommunicado due to flight delays and dodgy phone lines and missed calls. I have been sick pretty much since He left. I am still feeling the effects of a sinus infection. I am going back to bed after I finish this post.
Mac climbed into bed, and snuggled up to me and told me about the horror of His trip and I just wanted to hold Him. I couldn't though, I had gotten myself into trouble and I had to tell Him about it. I am not going to go into detail, suffice to say Mac was more disappointed in me than angry and He told me what I had to do to fix it. I agreed. He told me a joke and I told Him one too and we were ok. I told Him I liked Him. He said I just liked having my tits sucked. I said that I also had a thing for sucking His cock and that's how I found myself on my knees with my tongue licking at the very head of His cock. I couldn't take Him into my throat because I couldn't breathe but it didn't matter. I found other creative ways to use my hands, fingers, tongue and teeth to make Him moan. He came over my tongue and face and on my tits. It was hot and it was yummy and I felt better about being me than I have in a couple of days. It was short lived.
I think today was the hardest it has ever been to let Him go but I had to. He had to. He gave me all the time He could and loved me the best that He knows how and in return I was an ice-cold bitch when He said goodbye. I didn't want to be and I had so much I wanted to say and I just couldn't find the words and all I said was bye.
Some days I feel like such a screw up it's not funny.
Can I blame PMS for this?