Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, May 02, 2004
I have decided to tell my loss of virginity story. Mac will cringe, but in truth He knows what it was like because He 'deflowered' a virgin when He was almost a virgin Himself. I remember once He wrote me a story (which, much to my dismay, I accidentally deleted) about a young girl on the savannah and the pain and humiliation of her loss of virginity. I was stunned. He had written it perfectly. My experience was in many ways similar and I asked Him how He could possibly know. He just shrugged and said, 'I was there once too.' Up until then I had never even thought about the way James had felt. I probably should have. I had deceived him and blamed him for the way I felt. That was hardly fair of me.
James was 19 and gorgeous. He was like some sort of God. He played rugby league (yes I have a thing for sportsmen) and had a broad chest and shoulders, and huge muscles in his arms that made me want to curl up inside them. I think in my own naive way I set out to seduce him without ever knowing that was what I was trying to do. I think my innocence endeared me to him, I really didn't know how to play the flirting game. I kind of followed him around for a couple of months, bumping into him accidentally after training and such. He always smiled and stopped to talk to me and my heart would always thump when he did. I think any almost 15-year-old girl's heart would have thumped if he paid them attention. He always made me laugh.
The night it happened we had been out to a nightclub. I had used my sister's ID, though in truth, it was very rare for anyone to ask for it. No one really cared all that much back then. I wasn't the only girl with this group of young men but I was probably the youngest. My brother was there too and supposedly looking out for me, but in fact he was more worried about his penis than anything else. He was looking to score.
Score he did, a blonde piece I recall. She invited him back to her place and he pulled me aside and told me to stay with the lads and be good. They would look after me, and he was gone. Now the thing my brother should have remembered is that if the chance of sex had lead him to leaving me, none of the others would feel the need to stay if they got lucky too. Of course they all didn't, but as the night worn on people drifted away. No one actually felt responsible for me. I wasn't sure I had enough money for a cab and I couldn't call my parents because they were away for the weekend. I clung to James and his roommate Patrick because I really felt so very alone. Patrick had a girlfriend and I felt that as long as these three stuck together I was fine.
It turned out the girlfriend was driving and that is why James hadn't strayed far away. He wanted a cheap ride home. Going with them would get me within walking distance of home so I happily got into the car. When we got back to James and Patrick's apartment, I was going to leave but James told me to come inside so He could grab a coat and he would walk me home. It was dark and a little spooky so I agreed. Patrick and his girlfriend went straight to bed and James asked me if I would like tea. I wasn't really in a hurry to get back to an empty house so I said yes. We sat on the sofa and we talked. And then we kissed. It was nice. He was nice. I liked him a lot. He kissed me again and I let him, knowing that I was in control. At any time I could make him stop. He undid the buttons on my top and I remember thinking I wont let him undo my bra, then he did and I thought I will stop him when He tries to touch me 'down there'. Then he did that and I thought, I wont ever let him put his fingers inside my panties and then he did that too. I kept thinking I have control here. I can stop at anytime I want and already I just didn't want too. He moved my hands to his pants and I thought I would just give him a blowjob, guys are always happy with that. But his finger was inside me and his tongue was in my mouth and I just didn't want that to stop.
He told me to stand and I did what I was told and he put his hands inside my blouse and slid it from my shoulders. Then he slipped off my already undone bra. He unzipped my skirt and peeled it down with my panties and I thought that it was the most sensual feeling in the world, still think it is. His hands were so warm and strong against my skin. Then James took off his shirt and socks and pants and it was the first time I had been naked with a man and the first time I had been with a naked man. He sat back on the sofa and pulled me over to straddle his lap. His body felt so strangely weird to me. It was rough and had hair on it and it tickled my nipples and the inside of my thighs. He held me close and kissed me. It was delicious. My hands had fallen between us and I was once more stroking his cock. I knew I was back in control.
I shifted off him to kneel on the floor, I was going to take his cock into my mouth but he had other ideas and he moved forward and pushed me back onto the floor. I loved the feel of his body over me and I let his legs move between mine. I felt his cock pressing at my pussy and I pulled my legs up. I knew I would stop him any moment now. He pushed into me.
I screamed. I screamed so loud I am surprised to this day the police weren't called. I think in that moment James must have died a thousand deaths. I can't imagine what it was like to have this very compliant and aroused girl suddenly start screaming beneath you. Then he realised.
'Fuck Sarah, you could have bloody told me.' He spat.
I started crying. He was still inside me. He tried to withdraw and I yelped. He stayed inside me. I felt so stupid and humiliated and I wanted to curl up and die. I wanted him out of me but it hurt too much to have him move so I begged him to stay still. He was angry, really angry, that I hadn't told him I was a virgin, although I think that had a lot to do with being scared. I said I was sorry over and over again until finally he told me it was ok and told me to hush and he started kissing my face. I still wouldn't let him out of me and he was trying way too hard to lose his erection and it just wasn't going anywhere.
I don't know how long we stayed like that but it felt like a long time. He kissed me a lot and tried to make it ok but I felt like a complete and utter failure. It had all been wrong. I wasn't even in love with James and here I was losing my virginity to a man I hardly knew. It hurt. It hurt a lot. After a while he started to move a little and I started to cry again but when he tried to stop I cried even more, I so badly wanted it to be right. He kept at it until he came.
When he withdrew and stood up beside me I could see my blood on his cock. I started crying again. He pulled me to my feet and sent me to the bathroom to clean up. I was a mess. I wiped away a lot of semen and blood and I almost threw up but somehow managed not too. I washed my face and felt a little better. James brought my clothes into me and asked me if I wanted him to walk me home. The idea of walking anywhere scared me, it hurt to move about, and I really didn't want to be in an empty house. I told him that no one was at home and I didn't really want to go. He accepted that and he led me to his bedroom and offered me a tee shirt and we both climbed into bed. It was nice having him next to me, even if we didn't touch much. Eventually we both fell asleep.
When I woke in the morning I was aching in my groin. The entire area felt inflamed. I left James sleeping and after making sure no one else was up I got into the shower. It made me feel better. James came in with a towel while I was still in there. I thanked him and he sat on the edge of the bath and waited for me to be finished. I wrapped the towel around me and stepped out. I had no idea what to say or what to do. Fortunately James did.
'Are you on the pill?' (Insert psycho music here, because I heard that sound in my head, I swear.) Of course I wasn't on the pill, I was a virgin, what did I need the pill for and what was the point in asking me NOW?
He sighed and I started crying again and he told me not to worry, he would take care of it and he did. He took me home to get changed and then to a clinic and we both copped a lecture and I was given the morning-after pill as well as the pill and James paid for it all. I was grateful that he had come with me and had sat through the lecture as well.
When we got out he started imitating the Dr and I started to giggle and James told me it was nice to know I could still laugh and I blushed. He asked me if he could buy me lunch and I realised I was starving so I let him. Lunch turned into an afternoon of hanging out together, which led back to his place and some really nice oral sex. It was another first for me, I had only ever given oral sex, I had never been on the receiving end before. Although I was pretty sure I never wanted to have sex again (I did change my mind) I really did enjoy the oral part. We ended up dating for just over two years and James was a lot of firsts for me including my first broken heart (sighs).
I think he handled it better than a lot of guys would. I think I was lucky that he was a lot older than me. But what stands out in my memory most of all is the pain and his anger, even if it was short lived.
So there you go, the way that Sarah 'lost it'. If I could do it over it would have been different. I think I would have made it more like in one of those books, you know the ones, the bodice ripping romances where she loves him so much it doesn't really hurt, but the reality of it was it did hurt, I still blush at the humiliation I felt, and most of all I am ashamed that I never took into account that James had feelings too. If I could see him now, I would kiss his cheek and tell him I was sorry.
That was something he and I never said enough.