Mac and I had a conversation after He read my blog entry about the weekend. He asked me if I had thought about Ben since he left. Now those of you that have been reading along with Mac and I for a while know that Mac and I have a rule about not asking the question if you can't handle the answer, so I was truthful with Him. Brutally honest, I guess.

Yes I have thought about Ben. I have thought about Ben quite a bit. I told Mac so. He asked what I had thought about Ben and mostly I have thought about making love to both Ben and Mac, almost meshing them into one person. I have imagined Mac's cock inside me while Ben kissed and licked and nibbled at my lips.

Mac wasn't surprised. He said reading the entry it seemed to Him that I lusted Mac more but loved Ben more. That wasn't it though. Ben is softer than Mac. I told Him that. He agreed and said that was it, my love for Ben was gentler.

The thing is, it is easy to make love with Ben. It always feels like making love with Ben. When it is with Mac, mostly we fuck. I don't think that is much different to a lot of couples. I know that if I wanted Mac to make love with me each time we were to have sex then we would have sex a lot less often. Making love is nice, the intimacy is beautiful, but it would drive me crazy to have that softness all the time.

I think that the woman that eventually captures Ben's heart will be a lucky girl. She will be put on a pedestal. She will be worshiped, adored and cherished. He will treat her like a fragile doll. Sometimes I like that. Sometimes I want that. But most of the time I think bugger that. I would want to be ripped from the pedestal and dragged to my knees. I would want to be slapped and bitten and have my hair pulled. I want to know that the dirtiest little whore inside me is cherished just as much as the princess is. I want to be adored because I kneel at His side, not worshiped because I am above everyone else.

Mac asked if I could leave Him for Ben. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I couldn't live like that. Mac seemed satisfied with that. He told me that I had been jealous when Ben and Emma left to be together. I admitted I had been. He told me that it was because Ben was with Emma, not because Emma was with Ben and He was right again. I agreed. That was the truth. I was happy that they were together, but I was jealous too. Not a deep wailing, tearing of clothes and gnashing of teeth type of jealousy, more just a twinge in my belly. I don't even feel it anymore, but I couldn't deny it was there. Mac kissed me.

'I knew.' He said.

I wasn't sure what to do or say so I told Him I didn't know what to do or say. I felt guilty.

'So you damn well should,' He muttered. 'It is almost 7am and you haven't made your Male come yet.'

And He used me. He used me roughly. He used me like Mac because He could no more pretend to be Ben than I could accept Him as such. If I want something else, I wont find it in Mac's arms, not now, not ever. And I love that He wont try to be something He is not. I respect that He is true to Himself. Four and a half years ago I fell in love with the Man I imagined Mac to be. Two and a half years ago I fell in love with the Man I saw Him to be. 18 months ago I fell in love with the Man I knew He could be and every day since then I have fallen more and more in love with the Man He is.

He may not be perfect but I wouldn't want Him to be anyone else.

And I wouldn't want to live my life without Him.