Kneeling before Him...
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Sunday, May 23, 2004
Yesterday I stood at the edge of the bed with my face pressed against the sheet and I fucked myself with the biggest dildo we own. I pushed it into me harder and harder until it hurt and when I came it was so hard and painful that I fell to my knees and grunted until it stopped. Then I got to my feet and did it again. After the second I sat on the floor and cried huge tears of rage. It wasn't enough.
I feel so angry. So out of control angry. It is beneath every word I utter and behind every move I make. I have no reason to be angry, no way to pinpoint why I am feeling what I am. It is almost like that feeling that you get when you are watching a spooky movie and the girl is creeping past the open door and that music is playing and you know, you just know that the freaked out guy/ghost/evil thing is about to jump out at her and you still can't stop yourself from screaming when He does. I know I am angry, I am trying hard to relax and yet I just know that something, some little tiny thing is about to set me off.
I hate feeling this way. I hate the lack of control. I am scared that if I start to scream I may never stop. I know that I am one step away from losing it completely. I don't know how to ask for help because there really isn't anything that needs to be fixed except me and I am the only one that can do that.
Once upon a time I would have run away to a dark dark place and cut the frustration out of me. Once I would have made me bleed. I want it. I crave it like a drug. Just a small hit will do, a tiny nick, a trickle of blood, that intense feeling of release. I need it. It is the only way I know.
It is wrong. I have no defence for it and wont even pretend to convince anyone it is ok. I know it is harmful, I know it is not sane, I know it is the 'bad thing' to do and so I don't. I avoid temptation and I carry my anger just below the surface, daring someone to scratch and waiting for the explosion that I want so much to avoid.
I know it is coming.
Please tell me how to make it stop?