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Monday, May 03, 2004
Yesterday I watched Love Actually. It is not the first time I have seen this movie and I doubt it will be the last. Right now I am a sucker for crying. I am finding it very cleansing to wrap myself up in sadness and cry it all out. It's a hormonal thing. As Mac ever so aptly said yesterday, right now the shipping report would make me cry. I didn't deny it.
So Love Actually, if you haven't seen it, I recommend it, just to see Emma Thompson's private moment of grief when she realises her husbands infidelity. I wondered then how do you measure infidelity? How far does a flirtation go before you start to say it is cheating? I believe that you can cheat on the person you love without ever having sex with someone else, and you can have sex with someone else without ever cheating on the person you love.
I fall in love, or into infatuation very easily. Very easily. I am a person that wears their heart on their sleeve and I am not very good at hiding how I feel. Mac knows this and thinks it is a beautiful thing. I have not tried to hide an attraction from Him ever. To me there has been no point because He would see it anyway. Trying to hide it would just drive a wedge between us, if I can be dishonest about this, what else am I hiding?
Mac and I were talking about what it is like when I have sex with other men and one of the admissions I made yesterday was that I prefer it when I have one man at a time to pleasure, instead of two or three that I have to divide my attention between. I need to touch each one, kiss each one and for just a few moments become a part of each. I don't ever just want to fuck for the heck of it, anyone can do that. I want to feel a connection with them. I want them to feel a connection too.
Is this cheating? Sometimes it feels close to it for me. Sometimes I can feel guilt. For Mac, well, He finds it beautiful. He loves that I need that connection with them. He tells me that He wouldn't want to be with a girl that felt nothing when having sex with someone else.
And when I am with a stranger and Mac is standing there beside me, behind me, over the other side of the room, there is a part of me that accepts that this is for Him, that whomever I am with is just an extension of Him. It is for His pleasure. Whatever it is that Mac gets out of it, He enjoys watching me pleasure other men. There is a part of me that realises that every man I touch is to pleasure Mac.
How would I feel if Mac were to do what I do? I would hate it. I have come to accept that I would hate to see Him loving someone else. I know that he perfectly capable of fucking a hundred women and feeling nothing for any of them but the pleasure in His groin, but I still cannot divide the sex from love.
With Emma it is different. With Emma it is like when Mac is watching me. Emma is an extension of me, so much a part of me that when He comes inside of her, I feel it too. When He uses her for His pleasure He is using me too. There are times when Mac is with Emma and I, I lose myself in the sounds and smells and sensations so much I forget where my body ends and hers begins. If she laughs, I laugh with her because I feel her joy, if she cries I cry too because her pain is mine. It is beautiful to be able to feel her that way.
So does infidelity depend on what your partner thinks it is and if so, how do you know when you have crossed the line? When does a flirtation become something more? With a touch, a kiss, a look that lingers too long? With a thought or a feeling? With an act or a gift? At what point do you say that's far enough and how do you let your partner know before it has gone too far?
Last night I told Mac that I hated that black haired tart that threw herself at the married man in the movie. And Mac said, 'But babe, the black haired tarts are everywhere.' He is right.
Is there a way to protect yourself against them?