For those that don't know me, yesterday's post was written while in the grips of PMS. So is today's. It's bad this month. I think it comes from being overemotional during ovulation. If one is bad, expect the other to be bad too. I am not angry now though. I just seem to be crying an awful lot. I cry over commercials on television and over songs on the radio and I cry because the sun has come out and because the flowers look so pretty. It is ridiculous.

I want to be held. I want to be wrapped up in big strong arms and cradled on big strong legs and rocked. I want to hide from the world in a big strong chest and cry my tears into His shirt. I want to be stroked and kissed and whispered gentle words too. I want to be loved softly. I want to be loved quietly. I want to be loved gently.

I want...
I want...
I want.

But I need to feel those big strong hands tangle in my hair and expose my neck to His big strong teeth. I need to be bruised and bitten, beaten and raped. I need Him to tear at me and call me names. I need to be used like a dirty little two bit whore. I need to feel helpless and defenceless and completely under His control.

I don't understand why at this time of the month above all others, I crave so desperately to hurt. I think of the switch and I don't just want a few stripes on my ass or a few welts on my breasts, I want it all over my soft tummy and along my inner thighs. I want it all down my legs and all up my back. I want it so that when I stand in the shower all I can do is put my head against the tiles and sob the pain away.

I don't believe I deserve it. I don't believe I should be punished for being me. I know that a simple name will bring me to my knees and a single slap will shatter me. Right now a look would break my heart. And I want it. I want it to hurt and hurt bad. I want to be shattered and broken. I need to be nothing. I want so desperately to cease, just for a moment or two.

I am so tired. So very very tired. Perhaps all I really need is to kneel beside Him and rest.

Still, I want.

I wonder if this ever goes away?