I had an email asking if Mac and I had any quiet rituals that we carry out. I couldn't think of any. I meant to ask Mac if He recognised any between us, but it slipped my mind. I think the closest we come to a ritual would be when I go to Him and kneel by His side. He knows that this means I am in need of His undivided attention. Sometimes it is just because I am feeling out of sorts and just need to talk to Him for a while. Sometimes it is because I need to tell Him something important. Either way He will always ask me if I am ok and when I tell Him that I am, I just need to talk, He will ask me to wait until He is finished with what He is doing. That means that when He does give me the attention I have asked for, He is not worried about anything else but me.

I don't know that I would call this a ritual. Perhaps it is just a way of communication for us. It's simple and effective and there is no need for me to nag or whine or fight for His attention. He gives it freely when I ask for it this way. Of course I don't abuse it. I know it would become ineffectual if I used it every time I just wanted to say hello.

This past week though, I have spent a lot of time on my knees. It was a very strange week for us both. I have said before that I show snapshots, glimpses into our lives and because of that, there are things that I can leave out at least until He and I have talked them through. I think we are at a stage now where I can offer up what I did and the consequences it had without it effecting how Mac and I feel. So here goes.

Last week He lectured me about being aware of people's intentions being different to their words. I listened to Him, really I did. I knew what was going on. I was in control.

I was so in control that I managed to capture another man's lust, if not his affection and Mac's first thought when He saw Peter and I fall into a routine of flirting was to wonder how long we had been fucking. Mac thought that I was totally caught up in Peter and for a moment, I was. I did see Mac excuse Himself from the table and I did get pissed because in a way I was trying to attract Peter's attention to turn Mac on and He wasn't enjoying the show. Then a very dear friend leaned over and whispered in my ear 'I would fuck Peter, given half a chance'. At that moment, I thought I could die. I left the table and ran to Mac, suddenly aware that everything was way out of hand.

If Peter's attraction for me was so obvious that a friend was telling me to go for it, it was out of control. If my attraction to Peter made Mac wonder if we were sleeping together then it had gone too far. I had thought Peter was safe to flirt with because Peter had told me that he had little interest in me. Peter knew that I was madly in love with Mac. I knew when I was around Peter never took his eyes off me. I knew that whenever I spoke in general to a group Peter assumed I was talking just to him. I knew that Peter sat a little too close and that sometimes He touched my arm or my face when we talked. Little touches, brief touches that implied an intimacy that really shouldn't have been there. But I believed that Peter really had no interest in me other than friendship.

Mac and I suddenly had a lot to talk about. Mac never blamed me, not even for a second. He realised straight away that I had no clue what was going on. My apologies were still heartfelt and profuse. Even if He felt I wasn't at fault, I knew that I had hurt Him and hurt us.

We talked about a lot of things, what it meant to Him, what it meant to me and what it meant to us. How badly we were damaged and where things go from here. I hurt more than I thought it was possible. It had started simply as a game to attract Mac. When Mac gets jealous He gets horny and that had been my first intention. Mac told me that this isn't a rehearsal, this is our life and I knew He was right. It was a silly game to play. I realised that it was out of control.

Mac asked questions about Peter and I and I answered them openly and honestly, even though there were some answers I would have liked to hide. Yes I was attracted to Peter. No I hadn't come thinking about him. Yes Peter and I were edging closer together. No I didn't want things to progress. Yes I was scared that it would continue that way. Yes I was scared that Peter would stop wanting me. Yes I really enjoyed his attention. Yes I wanted Mac more than anything in the world. No I would not choose Peter over Mac. Not even for a second.

We talked until we both knew that we were going to be ok and then we made love.

The next day, unsure of what else to do, I called Emma. Emma knows Peter and was not at all surprised. She understood what had happened and did that amazing thing that I love her so much for and wish I could do as easily as her. She allowed me to accept the blame for my actions, without ever once blaming me. She didn't try and let me shirk my responsibility, but she never laid the fault at my feet. She told me that anyone that spent just a minute with Mac and I knew that we were mad about each other and that being attracted to someone else did not lessen that at all. She also said that on occasion she had felt the same for Peter. He is a guy doing nothing and can give you all the attention in the world. I felt much better, lighter, after I had spoken with her.

Mac and I spent most of the week being very gentle and loving with each other. There was a lot of sex, a lot of touching, a lot of reminding each other that we love. Though neither of us would admit that my mistake with Peter was the reason why, I think that it was. It was important to us both that the other knew that we were ok. It was important that the other knew that they were loved, adored and appreciated just for being themselves. We laughed more than we had in months.

Since then I have seen Peter twice. The first time Mac wasn't there. Peter tried so very hard to dominate me, ordering me to do things for him and telling me how to behave. I refused to allow it. When we had a moment alone at the bar, he asked me why I was being so mean to him. I was angry at having to placate his ego, I don't belong or submit to him, but it was a situation I had gotten myself into. I told him I was sorry and I left.

A few days later we bumped into Peter again. Mac and I went out for a quick dinner while He had a break in His work. Peter was petulant, calling Mac gay and limp in that 'slap your back I am a man' kind of way, but there was a definite undertone of bitterness in his voice. I felt a mixture of guilt and revulsion. I know I played with Peter's feelings and I am responsible for any rejection that he feels. At the same time I was disgusted at the way Peter behaved. He was like a small child that had been denied his favourite toy. Mac treated him good naturedly, refusing to rise and take the bait.

We didn't stay for long and we discussed it on the way home. Mac commented that He had never seen Peter be so single-mindedly rude. I apologised for that. Mac said that there was no need for me to be sorry for the way that Peter behaved. I may have hurt Peter's feelings but it is Peter's choice as to how he reacts. Mac tried to make light of it by saying that I couldn't help it if Peter made my pussy contract, but that just hurt.

It wasn't like that. It had never been about the sex. I hadn't wanted to drag Peter away and fuck him, not even once. Mac asked what it was about then and it all came spilling out. When I was with Peter there was no phone call going to interrupt, no email he was waiting on, nothing and no one to divide his attention with. When I was with Peter, even though we were sitting amongst friends, I knew I had his complete attention all the time. I wanted his attention, I craved it, I liked feeling like the most important person in the room.

'Yes,' said Mac. 'That could be enough to turn a girl's head.'

When we got home He pushed me up against the wall. His hands were cold and His body unyielding as He pressed against me. He pulled up my skirt as His lips bruised mine and He used His knee to spread my legs open. It hurt so good. He fucked me fast and hard, no preamble, no foreplay, just sudden brutal thrusts into my pussy. He came quickly, His teeth breaking the skin on my neck, His breath hot in my ear.

He lowered my feet to the floor and I clung to Him for support. He held me up. I was shaking so badly. I have never been so thoroughly and quickly used and all I wanted was to feel Him inside me like that again. He kissed me and He stroked my hair and He held me until I was able to stand on my own. He told me He still had work to do.

I don't begrudge Him the time He needs to spend working. I understand my Male's need to hunt, to provide for us. I love Him for wanting and working for the best for us both. But 16 hours a day, 7 days a week has to take a toll even on a superman like Him. I told Him this. He already knew. He is getting tired of it too.

I know I still have to deal with Peter and his feelings that I hurt and I am sorry that I used him like I did. I understand that the things he says come from the pain that I have caused and I will make allowances for that. I know that Mac will too. I hope Peter can forgive me for doing what I did.

I hope I can forgive me too.