One last thing about Nicholas. This is something that Mac and I discovered the other day and really pushed yesterday. It was interesting to say the least.

At the time I was having an affair with Nicholas, Nicholas told Mac's girlfriend that he was in love with her. Now Nicholas and I were fucking like rabbits every chance we got and one of my big hang ups over him is that he never told me he loved me. When I had the courage to ask, Nicholas told me he was a Brit male and as such, he didn't do feelings. I took that to mean no. So when I found out that Nicholas had told Mac's girlfriend he loved her, I was devastated. My feelings for him were intense and to him, I was just another fuck.

So yesterday I was lying beneath Mac and He asked me if I was longing for Nicholas. I told Him I wasn't really. The Nicholas we had created was hardly recognisable as the Nicholas I had slept with. We had turned him into something else. We talked about how the Nicholas we have created desires me so much, and the real Nicholas had used me and dumped me. Mac pointed out that I do adore both of the Nicks and I agreed. There is a side of me that clenches at being used and dumped.

When we talk about the real Nicholas, when we fuck while talking about him, I come harder, more intensely, because of the baggage. Mac admitted that He came harder too. Nicholas and Mac were good friends. When Mac made me want the real Nicholas, when He made me face it, I loved it and I hated it. So did Mac. And the sex was incredible.

Whilst we discussed this I had wriggled around a little and Mac's cock had stiffened a little and I had kind of wrapped my legs around His back and He had kind of slipped inside me. We weren't really fucking, just enjoying the feel of each other. We were both squirming and tightening muscles and wriggling against each other, teasing each other into wanting more. Mac started talking about Nicholas again.

'When you were on your knees with Nicholas's cock in your mouth, you ached for him to reach out and gently touch your cheek and be pleased with you, but you came when he snarled at you and slapped you.' Mac said.

'I wanted him to love me. I wanted to make him come so hard that he had to care.' I said.

By this time we had given up on the wriggling and were fucking in earnest. Mac kissed me very softly and then leant in close to my ear.

'Tell me Sarah, when he pulled you to your knees by your hair and demanded that you suck on his cock, could you taste my ex-girlfriend's pussy?'

The rush of emotions was incredible. I wanted to hurt Mac. I wanted to hurt Him badly. He quickly had my arms pinned to the bed and I was helpless. I tried to get my legs into a position so I could kick Him but He was already between them. I screamed at Him, I spat at Him.

'You bastard. You prick. You son of a bitch.' I hissed.

If He had given me a chance I would have ripped at His eyes with my nails, I would have punched Him, slapped Him and kicked Him until I was too tired to hit Him again. And He just fucked me. He kept thrusting into me, harder and deeper until my pubic bone felt bruised and sore. I cried tears of frustration because I was unable to make Him stop. Then I started to fuck Him too. My hips were rising up to meet His, my legs had curled back around His back when they had not been able to kick Him. It was like I was almost trying to punish Him and I both by fucking Him harder than I have ever fucked anyone before.

We both came. Hot, angry orgasms that left us grunting at the effort it required. Mac kept me pinned to the bed, biting and licking me until His cock stopped pulsing and He knew I had calmed. He released me and rolled to lie on His back beside me. I turned away from Him. He asked if I was ok.

'I hate him for not caring about me. I hate me for wanting him so bad.' I said.
'Oh baby, you hadn't thought about him in a long time. I made you remember, so hate me, not you. I am the one manipulating you.' He said.

I turned over to look at Mac. He was watching me. I touched His cheek.

'There is a part of me that hates you for it.' I said.
'Of course there is. But Christ woman, the orgasms are spectacular.' He said.

I started to laugh and He grinned at me and everything between us was all right. Mac still spent some time holding me and making me laugh. By the time we fell asleep, I was completely in love with Him again.

I didn't know I could feel such a deep hate for Him like that. It scared me that I could want to hurt Him so badly. It was fleeting. It passed within moments, but still it was there. The anger and the frustration and the hate all balled up together into a white-hot intensity that had to explode.

I don't understand why it makes me come the way it does. I know that it hurts. I know that it leaves me so emotionally exhausted that I just don't want to think. I know it leaves me so physically exhausted that the stairs are too much effort to climb. I know that if Mac came to the door and told me He wanted to do it again I would be in His bed in a heartbeat, waiting for Him to hurt me with it again.

It scares me.

I crave it.

Please Mac, do it again?