There are days when I think nothing is ever going to be the same between Mac and I again. I see Him working 16 to 18 hours a day, seven days a week. I watch Him fall into bed exhausted and wake up the same way. I hear the frustration in His voice and the barely concealed anger as He deals with people that are not getting their jobs done. I have watched this go on for three months and I am no longer looking to see if the end is in sight.

I think the thing that scares me the most is that Mac loves it. He does. He simply loves the intricacies and new options this job is giving Him. He loves dealing with people, even the ones that let Him down. He loves the challenge of getting the job done and He loves knowing that He can do it and do it better than anyone else before Him. He likes the idea that it is all His responsibility. If it fails or succeeds it is all on His head.

So for now, things between Mac and I have to change. I can't depend on Him to be there when I want Him to be. I can't expect Him to be able to do the things we used to do. He can't come out with me as much as I would like and so I have to learn to do things on my own. I used to do it before I belonged to Mac, so it should be easy to do it again, right?

It's not. It's hard. It requires effort to go out without Him. I never feel as comfortable. I never feel as safe and I never have as much fun. I can no longer remain locked away though. I am starting to feel like the rest of the world is rushing past while I am idly waiting for Him to have the time we used to have.

Then there are times like the hour we spent talking this morning when I realise that nothing between us has changed. He is still my lover, my protector and my friend. He is still my Male, the One that I adore. He is the person I trust enough to share most of my secrets with, and the only one that would find my total naivety so sweet.

So today is a day for me to revel in being His, even if it was just for that hour that we shared.

And tomorrow I will start to think about what comes next for me.