Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, June 24, 2004
There is something about humiliation that turns me on. There is something about pain that arouses me. Its not just physical pain, its emotional pain as well.
As Mac said in the last lot of comments, telling me about Jane made me hurt so good. Remembering about Nicholas had a similar effect. When we had sex, Nicholas had humiliated me. He had used my slight revulsion in myself against me. He had pushed me. He had forced me to see myself as nothing but a slut. He degraded me. He made me feel worthless. And god, he made me come.
Mac asked me to write to Him while He was out Tuesday, to write to Him about the sex that Nicholas and I had and tell Him the things that made me come the hardest. Turns out, they were the things that hurt the most. There was hardly any physical pain, he would pull my hair, pinch my nipples, maybe slap my ass a time or two. Emotionally he was relentless, cutting into me with thoughts and words that left me unable to breathe.
Mac read it and even though He has never felt like that Himself, He understood how powerful it was especially since it happened at a time when I didn't have a clue I could feel this way.
So that night when Mac came to bed His cock was swollen and His balls were full. He had been thinking of Nicholas and I all day. He had also been thinking of the way I reacted to Jane. I kissed Him and cupped His balls gently, knowing that I was going to be fucked and wanting it so badly. He pushed me to my back and He entered me. Then He started to speak to me and I felt my body rebel.
I didn't want to hear the words that spilled from His lips but I couldn't turn them off. I was fascinated and horrified, excited and repulsed at the things He told me about Jane and His ex. I was stunned at the sudden realisations that appeared in my mind. I hated her for knowing how to please Him and I hated Him for lusting her so much and I came even more violently than the day before.
And Mac didn't stop. I asked Him too. I begged Him too. He said 'No'. I tried to push Him off me and He ignored my attempts. I tried to hit Him and He pinned my arms to the bed. He told me more and He fucked me harder and no matter how I struggled and no matter what names I called Him, He wouldn't let me go. All I could do was wrap my legs around Him tighter, push my hips up to meet Him stronger and shake with lust beneath Him while I sobbed in pain. I was feeling everything so deeply, so intensely that it hurt to breathe and when I came I felt like I had nothing left to give. It scared me. It scared me so badly.
Mac came and I barely realised He had, I was just aware that He had finally let me go and I sprang out of bed and scrambled into some clothes. Mac looked at me, slightly bemused, mostly concerned.
'Sarah? What are you doing?' He asked.
'I need to go for a walk.' I said. Mac looked at the clock and then back at me.
'It's midnight, where are you going to go?'
'For a walk, the orchard, somewhere, I don't care. I need to go for a walk.'
'Why?' He asked, now really concerned.
'It hurts.' I answered and started to cry.
'Our sex,' I sobbed.
'Ok, listen,' He said and I stopped struggling with my shirt. 'You go for your walk if you need too. If you want we never have to mention Jane or Nicholas again. It's your choice. BUT if I fuck you with it again, it will hurt, because without the pain, there is no point.'
'I need to think' I said.
He smiled at me and I actually made it to the bottom of the stairs before I realised that I needed to be held by Him and I turned around and ran back to the room. I crawled across the bed and laid my head on His chest.
'What is it, baby?' He asked.
I told Him that for me this is a first. Sex like ours has never happened for me before. I have never experienced the passion and the wickedness and the decadence of it all. Mac always knew what He wanted and took me in the direction He wanted to take so I thought that maybe He had experienced it before but I didn't KNOW it. I didn't KNOW someone else could do for Him the things that I do and it rocked me to discover this.
By this stage I was mostly over the confusion and fear I felt. I told Him that I was ok. I had a bad moment. It happens when you mess around with intense emotional feelings. Mac said that for Him it wasn't intensely emotional, it was just sex and I believe that for Him it was. For me, sex is never just sex. It is affirmation, validation, symbolism of my worth and my ability to attract and keep my Male. I felt that had been threatened.
Mac smiled at me and kissed me lightly.
'So,' He said, 'after painful and serious research, the conclusion is, after all, Sarah is a girl. Well! I will sleep much easier knowing I have not been fucking a transsexual all this time.'
'Finished?' I asked
'Finished.' He answered.
'Good,' I said. 'Bastard.'
He grinned at me and I kissed Him on the cheek.
Yesterday we found more buttons to push and I was emotionally exhausted before we even made it out of bed. I am not sure that I can even explain what went on between us, or if it would make sense, so I am not going to even try. We did reaffirm some things.
1. Sarah likes to be shamelessly used like a filthy worthless piece of trash whore.
2. Sarah likes being absolutely controlled even more than being fucked like trash.
3. Sarah will follow where Mac leads her. (Good job He knows where He is going.)
4. Sarah is a girl.
5. Mac isn't.
6. Our sex is like a roller coaster and we never know when we have reached the peak and are about to come crashing down.
7. It's much more fun than just fucking.
8. The ride's not over yet.
For now Mac is sated. He spent Himself all over my face and tits and for the moment His interest has waned. Later I know His cock will throb and a thought will bring Him back to use me again.
I can hardly wait.