Kneeling before Him...
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Thursday, July 29, 2004
I am tired, so very tired. I am taking an iron supplement and still all I really want to do is sleep. My brain feels fuzzy and my eyes will hardly stay open and each word is an effort to formulate and type.
I got angry with Mac again yesterday. I wanted Him to say that He would miss me and in His own way He did. He said His cock would ache for me, but I didn't want Him to miss the sex. I wanted Him to miss the woman. Me. He doesn't differentiate. He doesn't understand. I didn't try to explain. He realised that He was not going to win. There was no way for Him to score happy points with me so He backed away. I let Him go. I don't have the energy to fight for Him.
So now I am here alone for as many days as it takes. He has gone to the city because the floods in Asia have turned business upside down and there are meetings on how that will affect the company. He can't be sure when He will be home. I understand. It is work and it can't be helped. It's ok because the shields are up and there is no way on this earth He could get past. I have myself on high alert and no amount of clever dodging is going to allow Him to touch my heart. I wont let Him in. I cant. It just hurts too much.
Only this morning I woke to a knocking at the door. I tossed on my coat and went downstairs. Three little kittens were prowling around, waiting impatiently to see who it was. I tiptoed between them and opened the door.
It was a bear. Well a man holding a bear, a big brown growly old teddy bear. It was for me. The card read: "Something for you to hold (or punch) while I am not there." I thanked the deliveryman politely and closed the door. I sat on the floor with the kittens and my bear. I cried until I had no tears left.
When I was done I came up here and I called Him. I could hear the smile in His voice as I thanked Him for the bear.
'Call him Gladly.' He said. (I will let Him explain the name if He wants to.)
'You don't play fair,' I said.
'Why?' He asked.
'Because You weren't supposed to touch my heart.' I pouted even though He couldn't see it, I knew He would know.'
He put on His gruffest of stern voices.
'Stop pouting.' He said. 'You are mine, woman. I will bloody well touch what I want.'
I found out I had more tears. He listened to me sniffle a bit then told me to take something for the ache in my back and go back to bed. We said goodbye. I took the meds. Then I wrote this while I waited for them to work. I think they have. I really need to sleep.
And I have a bear to sleep with now.
I am a very lucky girl.