There are some things about Mac and I that I am not sure I can explain. When I read the comments a few days back I was full of ideas, notions, sparks of what I want to say, but the ideas are not concrete and I am sure I am going to get it wrong.

I love Mac. I have loved Mac from almost the first time I laid eyes on Him. He didn't love me back. In fact Mac thought I was rather annoying. He saw me as a vivacious and flirtatious woman that would become sullen and silent when He would take the limelight away from me. Yes I would be silent, His complete lack of acknowledgement of me made me feel as if I had no right to speak. I guess I was waiting for permission from Him to be allowed to take part. He had no idea.

Mac and I moved in the same circle of friends and it was a serious party time. Mac never stayed long and rarely drank, as there was also serious rugby to be played. So His time at parties was spent seeking out the fun people to be with and He very quickly grew bored of the girl that would sulk as soon as He opened His mouth. He moved on to other people without giving me another thought.

It wasn't that He was ignoring me. He had just stopped noticing me and the imagined disapproval I felt was slowly suffocating me. It would weigh on me for hours, days after the party and when I saw Him again it would stab me in the chest. All for a man I hardly knew. One night I watched Him hold court for an hour. Everyone wanted to be around Him, He spoke to a lot of people. I was there. I was near Him. He never spoke to me. I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I had to say something so I followed when He walked away to get another drink. I was going to stand up for myself. I was going to tell Him He had no right to ignore me. I was going to let Him have it good.

'Mac?' I said tentatively.
'Oh, hi there.' He said.
'Hi. Can we talk for a moment?' I asked.
Mac looked around for an escape route. I didn't know it at the time, but now I know that He was thinking of how to get away if I either started crying, or started hitting on Him. He deals badly with both. It is funny to see.
'Sure.' He said, obviously uncomfortable.
'It's just that, well, when you ignore me, I feel like I am invisible. Can you please stop pretending I am not there.' (That was my idea of giving it to him good.)
'Oh,' He said and so much of our relationship developed because of what He did then. He could have laughed. He could have told me I was so stuck up thinking that I needed a special attention. He could have told me to stop being stupid and sent me on my way.

Instead He looked at me and smiled.

'Listen,' He said. 'I don't mean to ignore you. It's just that I hardly notice most of the people here. I hardly pay attention to what anyone else is doing. Half the time I am surprised to find out there is other things going on around me. Don't take it to heart, Sarah. I don't mean for it to be that way.'

I blushed. I was awfully relieved that He didn't hate me and very embarrassed that I had taken something personally that wasn't meant that way.
He touched my cheek. He smiled at me again.
'It's ok.' He said.

Right then I would have followed Him to my death if He wished for it to be. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I nodded at Him.

'Thankyou.' I said and I turned and walked away. He had a chance to hurt me, He had a chance to ridicule me, He had a chance to take my dignity away. Instead He gave me such a subtle gift that it took me a long time to see it for what it really was. It was an opening, a door. It was the start of the realisation that I could show Mac my heart and He wouldn't use it against me. It was the beginning of our trust.

Much to my surprise, it wasn't all He gave me. I don't know if He meant it or not, but every time I saw Him after that, He would always find the time to say hello. He never even accidentally made me feel invisible again. He never felt the need to hurt me with the power I gave Him, even if it would give Him the upper hand. My submission is not something He asks of me, or something He tries to control. He simply accepts it for what it is in much the same way He accepts me. I am His and that is the way it is meant to be. For us.

What I am trying to say is that this isn't something that Mac and I stumbled onto and it wasn't something that we found out there. It was something that came from within us, something we gave to each other and accepted too. We built on it instead of letting it stand and when one of us, usually me though sometimes He came to me with secrets He was feeling too, the other listened, and accepted, and the trust between us grew.

Sure there have been times that it has been bumped and bruised. There was a moment the other day when tiredness and stress lead to a quick temper and a joke turned into hurt feelings and we struggled to find a balance until Mac took my hand and said to let it go. He was right, there is no point in holding on to pain where none was intended. There are enough people in the world willing to hurt you without you doing it to yourself.

That the bumps and bruises don't take a lasting toll just goes to prove that the foundations are strong. It will take more than a few knocks to bring it down. What Mac and I share is special because we made it that way. It is something that most people can do.

Last night I was sitting here with my mind so many miles away that I didn't hear Him come and stand at my doorway. I felt Him staring at me. I turned and I smiled. He fills me with such happiness, just by being Him.

'My Sarah,' He whispered and that was all He needed to say. I went to Him and He gave me His hand and led me to our bedroom. He let me make love with Him because we both needed it that way.

And He is wonderful and He is gorgeous and He is loving and unique, but He isn't superman and He doesn't have super powers and what He does is not impossible to achieve. It's just love and trust and honesty and respect.

I have read over this post and I am not sure if I have said what I meant, but I do know that I mean what I have said.

I guess that will have to do, for today.