Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Yesterday I had the weirdest day. I had to go into town early because of some appointments I had and I ended up being in town almost all day because I didn't feel like going home. I rang my sister after I had done the things I had to do and she came in for lunch and a little bit of shopping and we had a lot of fun. I didn't realise I was avoiding going home until I found myself in the most disgustingly yummy bakery picking out cakes to take to Mac's office for afternoon tea. I hardly ever go to His office. It is His place to work and I always feel like an intruder when I am there.
So I took the cakes to His office and He was both surprised and delighted to see me (or at least to see the cakes). I made fresh coffee and soon everyone was in the kitchenette trying to get a piece of the best cake. Mac frowned at them all and they all ignored Him and kept tucking in so we ended up taking our pieces of cake and coffee back to His office.
We talked for a little bit about the weather and whatnot, just filling in the space. Then Mac's phone rang and while He was talking rapidly and about figures I didn't understand I played around with the notebook on His desk, just doodling out little pictures. Mac tapped the desk and I looked up to see Him frowning at His once pristine notebook that was now covered in a dozen little scribbles. I grinned at Him and drew a big love heart and wrote 'Sarah loves Mac' inside. Mac grinned at my silliness and mouthed the words 'show me' around the phone. I lifted up my top and shifted the bra off my breasts and pointed to each of the almost healed bruises. Mac was spitting out figures and quotes off the top of His head while His eyes never left my tits.
The call wound up and He hung up and shook His head at me.
'You are incorrigible.' He said.
'You encourage it.' I said.
'My cock is throbbing because of you.' He scowled at me.
'I should take care of it.' I grinned.
When I stood to move around to His side of the desk, He stood too. He pushed me against the wall and held me there. We kissed and He lifted my top back up so that He could caress my tits. He kissed them and sucked them while I undid His pants. He brought His lips back to mine and He lifted my skirt. His fingers pried into the back of my panties and He pulled them over my ass and down to my knees. I played with His cock, jerking it against my pussy. He played with my tits, pinching and teasing the nipples. We kissed again. We kissed a lot. It got very hot in His office. He pulled my legs open far enough for His cock to slide between them. I wriggled on to Him so that the shaft was pressed against my clitoris then I closed my legs tightly to keep it there. I rocked just enough to make friction happen there.
Mac was groaning in to my ear and I was whimpering into His. We were fucking without fucking and I couldn't get enough. He bit my neck as His cock slid over my clitoris and I pushed my hips forward into His to feel it again.
'I am coming.' He growled and I held Him as His hips jerked Him in and out. I bore down onto Him and came too. His tongue found my mouth again. I sucked it gently. His cock slipped out from between my legs and I stroked Him to make sure He was done.
Mac stepped away and I realised what a mess I was. There was semen all down my inner thighs and all over my pussy and on my belly too. For some reason there is always more of it when we fuck while we are out. I pulled my panties up over the most of the mess and smoothed down my skirt. I wriggled back into my bra and straightened my top while Mac did His pants back up.
Then, I don't know why, but it all suddenly felt so surreal. I asked Mac what time He would be home and He asked me what was for dinner. Neither of us mentioned the sex. I suddenly felt so very vulnerable and I shut down. I felt embarrassed and dirty, like I had done something wrong. I wanted Him to hit me and tell me I was a filthy little whore. I wanted Him to hurt me without caring. I wanted Him to punish me and make me beg for forgiveness. I grabbed my bag and told Mac that I still had some things to get before I went home and I kissed His cheek hurriedly and I practically ran out the door.
I got into the car and I cried. I wanted to blame Mac. I wanted it to be something He had done, but it wasn't really. I didn't know what it was. I waited until the worst of it was over then I drove myself home. By the time I got there I had almost convinced myself that it was Mac's fault. I knew He still had work to do so I had left His office before He had a chance to throw me out. Pre-emptive strike. But Mac had made no move to throw me out and I doubt He would have done it as callously as I did it to myself. I had created my own little drama in my mind.
It almost, almost worked. I tried so very hard to forget that I had gone to His office knowing I was interrupting His work, that I had enticed the sex, that I had been a willing participant and that I had known that He still had work to do. I tried to make it feel like Mac had invited me to His office, taken advantage of me and had been going to throw me out when I had left. I knew I was just being silly but something deep inside me hurt and I didn't know what it was.
I know that Mac has been busy of late, but gosh I have been bubbling over with excitement and happiness. I have so many good things happening for me right now that I have hardly had time to think. Emma has been a doll and Mac has been so affectionate and supportive and my sister just keeps on making me laugh. I am learning to enjoy my own company and I am doing things to entertain my mind and it's a very rare occasion that I have time to be bored. I really have nothing to complain about. Yet yesterday, I felt like everything had fallen down.
I showered and made a pot of tea and I sat down at the computer to write. I couldn't concentrate and I didn't make any sense so I mostly just sat here and stared out the window at our street. The phone rang and I knew that it would be Mac. He wasn't going to make it home for dinner. I wanted to tell Him that I needed Him but I told Him that I understood, that these things couldn't be helped, instead.
He said I was a good girl, and I said thankyou though I really wanted to tell Him that I was bad. He hung up. I cried and told myself that I deserved to be alone. I was in serious hate myself mode. I made myself some dinner that I didn't eat and put on a movie that I didn't watch and got so disgusted in my pathetic helplessness that I put myself to bed.
I woke this morning and my tummy was bloated and I had that familiar pain in my lower back. My period hasn't started yet but it will have before the end of the day, I bet. In a way it is a relief, at least I know that this awful feeling of self-loathing is a temporary thing and I can mostly ignore it until it goes away. Still I feel impatient. I want to get back to my happy place again.
Perhaps I should go snuggle with He-who-is-still-sleeping.
Things always feel better in His arms.