I have recently received an email from a man that told me he is in love with a submissive woman and she expects him to punish her so that she can feel wanted and loved. He made it clear in his email that he doesn't want to hurt her, but that he wants to be the man she expects him to be, so if punishment is the only way he can show her he cares about her he wants to be able to do that for her.

I do not wish to offend the writer of this letter, but it did lead me to some thoughts that I want to now share.

My instant reaction was that this was all wrong. I am so much the wrong person to ask about punishment. I don't believe in it. It never makes me feel loved or cherished. It makes me more aware of my failures and it stifles my personality. I wouldn't be the smartass that Mac adores if He was going to punish me for the things I do. I would become a perfect little robot, constantly on guard, always walking around on tiptoes because I hate punishment. It depletes my self-esteem and I believe it would make our relationship a negative one.

Another problem I have seen with punishment, and those of you that have relationships where punishment is used as an affective tool can disagree with me on this, is that it can also encourage misbehaviour. For the last few weeks and as far as I can see into the future, Mac has not had the time or energy for me. It is a fact of life that His job right now is sapping everything that He has. So what if I was a person that needed punishment for validation? Could I force Him to notice me with misbehaviour? Could I throw tantrums to make Him put me over His knee and pay me the attention I crave? If I did that, would I truly be submitting to Him, or forcing Him to react to my actions? If I needed punishment to feel loved and cherished then I sure as hell would misbehave, especially now. I would do it as often as I could to make Him pay attention to me. I would drive Mac nuts with it. He would learn to resent the attention I was forcing from Him and it would drive us apart. I have it in me to be like that.

Then I thought about what was being said in the email: 'I won't know that you love me unless you punish me because I am submissive.' Is that what a submissive woman is, someone that only feels love if they are punished for the mistakes they make? I really don't think that is true. I do not equate punishment with submission. I am not submissive because I am punished. I am submissive because I want to please the Man I belong to. I am submissive because I want so much to belong to that Man. I give Him my love, my trust and my respect because I know He will keep me safe and look after me. I can safely say I would do anything Mac asked of me, anything at all because I know in His love for me, He would never want anything from me that would hurt me. He will always take care of me first. He has told me that He cannot promise that He wont make mistakes, no one can promise that, but when He has caused me to fall, He will always pick me up and hold me together and love me the best that He can.

I am submissive because I function at my best when I am held tightly and safely in His arms.

In my opinion, demanding punishment does not make you submissive. It just makes you someone that wants your ass smacked. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting your ass smacked. I don't mind at all when it happens to me. I enjoy it in a sexual context. It makes me come quite hard when I have been pushed around and slapped about. It isn't punishment though. It is just sex.

I know that there are people out there that feel punishment works in their relationships and that is great. I have said here the reasons why I believe it wouldn't work for Mac and me. I would love to hear the reasons why it works for others. I am always interested in the dynamics of other people's relationships. I am also sure the man who wrote me the letter could benefit from the input of others.

My way is not the only right way, but it is the right way for me.