Mac grabbed me last night as I walked past Him in the hall. I jumped at His sudden touch. We had been treating each other pretty much as strangers caught in an awkward situation and I know it was driving me insane. We love each other so much and we keep letting this stupid wall get between us. I don't know why we do it, but I wish that it would stop. I wish that I could stop.

He kissed me, slowly, deeply and I stood there almost limp. I didn't push Him away, but I didn't kiss Him back. He looked at me and I stared back. I knew nothing I was feeling was showing in my eyes. I can hide my feelings from Him too. I didn't want Him to know I hurt. I didn't want Him to know how much I needed Him. I wanted to be cold, aloof. He hit me, slapped me across the face, hard enough for it to sting. I trembled with the effort it took to continue the coldness in my eyes. He saw the battle, His eyes narrowed, calculating, appraising. He slapped me again.

'How dare You.' I spat, emphasising each word individually. The anger inside me had won and I was under its control.
'I dare because you need it as much as I do.' He hissed back at me and I had this chance, this one chance to run, this one chance to hide. I stood there and faced Him. I didn't want to hide from Him again.

He pulled me to Him and crushed me against His chest. My arms were pinned at my sides. He pulled my head back by my hair and He kissed me again, demanding, forcing me to kiss Him back. I felt so helpless, so powerless and overwhelmed. He started shifting us towards the bedroom and I balked. I didn't want Him to get inside me. I didn't want Him touching my heart again. He wouldn't let me go.

'No, please. Stop.' I pleaded desperately.
'You had your chance.' He said. He pushed me onto the bed.

I rolled immediately and my feet hit the floor on the other side of the bed, away from Him.

'GET BACK ON THE BED NOW, SARAH.' He yelled. It was pure anger, the raw emotion that I so very rarely see.

My reaction was immediate and involuntary. I sank to my knees on the bed, my head bowed, my hands resting lightly on my legs. I couldn't help it. It is the safest place I can be. Mac moved along the side of the bed, I could see His hips while He paced.

'Christ Sarah, I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to scare you. I don't want to fight with you. I just want you back. I am tired of this. I am tired of fighting it. For Christ sake whatever it is, either tell me or let it go.' He was standing in front of me now. I didn't look up at Him.

Everything was tumbling around inside me. What did I want? What was I pushing for? What was I feeling that made me shut Him out?

'I want You to hurt me.' I mumbled and I knew it was wrong. I knew what He was going to say.
'You can't make me do that, Sarah. You can't force me to. I wont do it out of anger and you know that.'

Yes, I know that. I know I can't force Him to do something that goes against every fibre of His being. I know I can't make Him into something He is not, no matter how much I want. I cried because I knew He was right, because it hurt and because, damn it, I wanted to get my own way. He stood beside the bed and watched. He didn't try and comfort me at all. After a minute or so, He offered me the box of tissues from the bedside table. I took them and started to clean up my face.

'I am sorry,' I tried so hard to just talk normally but it came out all funny, in that icky petulant crying voice. 'I just hate it when You are right.'

He grinned at me.
'You must hate it a lot then.' He said.
'Bastard.' I hissed and tossed the box of tissues at Him. He caught them easily and put them back beside the bed.
'Surly bitch.' He grinned again and started to crawl across the bed towards me. He knelt across from me. 'God, you are beautiful,' He said.
I laughed at Him, still wiping away at my tears.
'I bet I look a right mess.' I said.
'Well, yes you do.' He agreed. 'Your eyes are swollen and your nose is all red. Still, I want to fuck you witless.' He reached out and started to undo the buttons on my top.
'What if I don't want to?' I asked while my fingers were already undoing His jeans.
He shrugged.
'I will do it anyway,' He said.

I was still shaking when He pulled my shirt open and let it fall off my shoulders. He put His hands on my neck.

'Give me a moment?' I asked. I wanted to calm a little.
'No,' He said. 'I am not waiting any longer.' He kissed me. I kissed Him back. He slipped the straps of my bra off my shoulders so that He could cup the bare skin of my breasts. I shuddered. 'You make me want you.' He said.

I held His face between my hands. I tried to look inside Him as deeply as I could. I needed Him to hear me. I needed Him to know I meant it. I meant this with all my heart.

'I love You.' I said.
'Oh baby, baby,' He murmured while His fingers glided around my back to undo my bra, 'I know you do. I never doubt that.'

I smiled at Him and He smiled back and suddenly I wanted Him as much as He seemed to want me, maybe more. I needed Him. I wanted desperately to taste the saltiness of His skin and feel His body pressed against mine. We finished undressing with all the finesse of two teenagers in the back of a car. I needed to be naked against Him and I needed Him naked against me too. I think He was thinking the same. He sat on the bed with His legs stretched out before Him and pulled me over His lap so that I was kneeling over His legs.

We kissed and kissed again. His fingers were dug into my arms, holding me still, and my hands were between us, stroking His cock. He pulled back from kissing me and looked at me, the need in His eyes obvious.

'I want to be inside you.' He gasped. My thumb slid through the precum on the very head of His cock. I grinned at Him and He chuckled. 'You wicked girl.' He said.

He pulled my head back by my hair and sucked at the hollow in the base of my throat. I sighed blissfully and wriggled myself into position over Him. His hands slid down onto my ass and gripped me, forcing me onto His cock. He entered me. I sighed again.

'My tits.' I whispered. 'Oh god, bite my tits.'

I held my breast for Him in one hand and my other hand guided His mouth to my nipple. He kissed it. He licked it. He covered it gently with His lips and sucked it. I groaned at Him and I felt His teeth press down. I ground my pussy against His cock. He released my nipple and then did it again and again. I threw my head back and came, grunting, whimpering and begging to the ceiling for more. He kissed my now very sore nipple.

'Good girl.' He growled and then He gave me His tongue to suck before He moved to the other nipple and did it once more.

I asked Him to come. I begged Him and I pleaded and He came only when He was ready to and not a second before.

'Oh fuck, Sarah,' He gasped as I cradled His face between my hands and covered Him in kisses. 'That felt good.' I laughed at Him and He smiled back. Then He sighed.

'I was in the middle of something when I grabbed you,' He said. 'I have to go finish it off and send it.'

I just sat there looking at Him. He half lifted half pushed me off Him and shifted to the edge of the bed. He picked up His jeans and began putting them back on. I continued to stare at Him.

'What?' He said.
'You are going to just go now?' I asked.
'Sarah I am just going into the next room. I have work to finish. Don't whine.' He answered.
'Fine.' I said in a tone that left no mistake that it wasn't fine. 'Just go.'
He finished doing up His jeans and He leaned across the bed. He grabbed my arm.
'Come with me.' He ordered. I wasn't silly enough to argue.

He took me to His study and pointed to the floor next to the desk. I sat and crossed my legs, leaning back against the drawers. Neither of us spoke for a very long time. There seemed very little to say. Mac was working on His laptop and I couldn't see what He was doing. I was watching the door and thinking about the dozen other things I had to do.

There was an eventual break in Mac's typing and He sat back to peruse the screen. I looked up at Him.

'Mac?' I asked tentatively.
'Yes?' He said looking down at me.
'Would it be alright if I went and got a book and a cushion and maybe made us both a drink?'
He smiled at me.
'Of course,' He said. I rose to my feet.
'Sarah? You know this isn't punishment. You are free to go. I just put you here because you seemed to need it. You know this, right?'
I smiled at Him.
'Yes, I know,' I said, 'but I want to be here. Is that all right with You?'
'Yeah,' He said. 'I like having you here too.'
I grinned and walked out the door.

'Sarah?' He called.
I stepped back into the doorway.
'Yes?' I said.
'Put some clothes on will you? It's damn distracting having you sitting here naked and smelling like sex.'
I giggled and headed to our room to get dressed.

I don't know if whatever is going on with me has stopped. I have a feeling that there will come a time that I will pull that stunt of pushing Him again. I know I am acting like a child that is misbehaving just to get attention. It is easy to see in hindsight but I miss it when I am caught up in it.

I wish He had slapped me sooner.

Remind me of that next time, Babe. Ok?