My posting has been erratic for the last week or so. I don't know when that is going to stop. Mac came home on Thursday and left on Friday. I saw Him again yesterday for the first time in three days. It was bad enough when we were only sharing a bed, now we hardly even seem to do that. It all takes a toll. I feel on guard. I feel I have to protect my feelings from Him. Every time He walks out the door, I have to prepare myself for the fact that it may be days before I see Him again. It is hard to share pieces of me when I feel that way.

Also, I knew Mac wasn't reading the blog. I found it hard to write when I knew He wasn't reading it. I know that there are people out there that come here everyday to read what I have written and to some extent, I do write for you people too, but mostly, I write for Mac and for me. Here is where I tell Him secrets and record the things that happen between us. It's nowhere near as much fun if He isn't sharing in them too.

So I have been posting every second day. I have been hiding parts of who I am right now. I have been so scared of saying that He isn't here because if I say it, then it has to be true. I am scared of admitting that I worry each time He is gone, that this time He isn't coming back. I worry that it is my fault, something I did or said that is keeping Him away. Intellectually, I know it is work and I know that He would be here if He had a choice. I know He doesn't want to be away and He doesn't want to be working so hard and for so long everyday, but there is that tiny little voice in the back of my head that grows louder in its accusations each day.

'It's your fault Sarah. It's entirely your fault.'

I haven't nagged Him to come home because I know He would if He could and I didn't call Him and annoy Him while He was working. In fact I was the best girl I know how to be.

Until yesterday.

It had been a day and a half since I had spoken to Him, so I called Him.

'Just checking to see if You are still breathing.' I said.

He laughed. He was on His way home. His computer had been in the hands of the techies being fixed and so He hadn't had a chance to email. He had been out to dinner the night before and breakfast yesterday morning and He hadn't wanted to wake me with a call. He had a five-hour meeting and then He had packed His bag and headed home. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. In the end I kind of just said bye and hung up.

When He got here, He walked in the door and looked at me.

'At last.' He said.

I kissed Him gently, tentatively. I knew He wanted to have sex with me and I wanted that too. I wanted to touch Him, smell Him, let Him inside me. I wanted to feel connected to Him again, a part of Him. We talked while we went upstairs on the pretence of putting His bags away. He started to steer the talk in a direction I didn't want to go. He wanted to discuss something I had felt while He was away and I didn't want to let Him in. I didn't want to show Him my heart. I didn't want to open myself up to Him, not knowing how long He would be around. I got defensive. I tried to pick a fight. Mac smoothly changed the subject. He wasn't in the mood to fight. I was relieved. I didn't want to fight either.

He took off His shirt and climbed onto the bed.

'Last time I was home you were almost fainting with lust at being ass raped.' He said pulling me onto the bed beside Him and starting to undress me.
'You could tell?' I said, feigning innocence.
'Ha!' He said. 'When you come like that, you sound like this: 'Oh god, why is this making me come?' 'Oh GOD, wish I didn't love this so fucking much.' 'GOD, I am coming AGAIN!'
'Shut up!' I said, blushing bright red. He laughed and started kissing me.

'I want to tell you a fantasy,' He said when He came up for air. 'But I warn you, it will be about ass rape. Ok?'
'Hmm,' I said. 'Let me think about it yes.'
'Ha!' He hissed. 'Slut!'
'Ha!' I said. 'You love it too.'
'More than anything, I love that you love it.' He said.
'I think I know that.' And I do think I know that. Mac doesn't fantasise about raping women, but He does use it to make me come hard. When I come hard, He does too.

Now I have to warn you again. This is a fantasy. It is a rape fantasy. If it bothers you to read of such things, then please don't. This is not something I would enjoy having done to me and it isn't how I would react. It is just a fantasy that Mac shared with me.

At the time He was telling this, Mac and I were fucking. At first He was laying over me and I had His face cupped in both my hands while He talked. He would kiss and bite at my fingers and at my lips between sentences. He spoke in a voice deepened by lust and when I came, His voice would break and His breath catch and He would have to stop and wait for me to finish contracting on His cock before He could start again. When I begged Him to, He turned me over and He pressed His cock into my ass. Mac didn't last long after that. (I just smiled smugly at the memory.)

The fantasy.

She sat at the wine bar waiting impatiently on a friend. She had expected to be led straight to the table and was annoyed that she had been shown to one of the high stools in the bar instead. Her skirt was too short to be seated comfortable at this height and she wriggled more than once in an effort to pull it down. She saw her reflection in the mirror above the bar and was somewhat shocked to see the amount of cleavage that she was showing. She suddenly felt like she was on display when she should have just been blending in with the crowd.

Two men approached the bar and sat either side of her. It annoyed her that they had done that. Although she was not the only one in the bar, she felt as though she had been singled out. They ordered drinks and she sat quietly sipping hers while they talked around her, almost as if she wasn't there. She wasn't fooled though, she could see them both surreptitiously sneak looks down her top. Her annoyance grew. She had checked each one over in her own sneaky way and decided that neither interested her. They were too loud, too boarish to be her type, though each was large and strong.

They started to include her in the conversation and she was startled to discover herself being dragged into a debate that was spiralling ever downwards into crudeness. She was really unimpressed. She wanted to tell them both to sod off, but decided that discretion was the better part of valour and she took her purse from the bar and excused herself, heading towards the ladies room. She had decided she would wait in there a while and if her friend still had not appeared, she would seat herself elsewhere.

She pushed open the door that led to the facilities and found herself in a long corridor, the ladies bathroom at the end. The door opened behind her and she turned, defensively, to find the two guys from the bar entering the hall. One laughed at the look of alarm on her face.

'Bathroom' he announced and pointed down towards the men's room door. She smiled at her own suspicious mind and turned to continue on her way.

Suddenly one of the men was beside her and he pushed her into a doorway at her side. It happened so quickly that she didn't even have time to shout. She was in a room that was obviously a storage room. There were spare chairs and stools, boxes lined the walls and the room had a dusty kind of unused smell to it. She took all this in at a glance. She looked at the men that stood before the now closed door. She puffed up her chest, raised herself to her full 5 foot 3 inches and used her most commanding voice.

'What do you think you are doing?' She said.

The first man grabbed her around her neck, his grip tight and uncomfortable. She was now very scared. Her breath came to her in short gasps.

'Shut the fuck up.' He said. She opened her mouth to tell him no and a tongue pressed between her lips before she could.

He pressed her back against some boxes and she felt them dig into her back. His hand tightened against her throat. She couldn't breath. He looked at her eyes growing wild with panic.

'I own your breath. I own your life. Do you understand me?' The words left his lips in a soft whisper. She shuddered at the implications of what he said but the world was beginning to grow black around the edges and her lungs burnt. Her body screamed for oxygen and she tried so hard to let him know she understood. He saw it in her eyes. His lips covered hers again and she felt his tongue slide into her mouth before he let her throat go. She pushed him away gasping for air. He slapped her across the face, twice.

'Don't ever fucking push me away bitch.' He said.

Tears were flowing unbidden from her eyes and she was still swallowing gulps of air.

'Please don't do this,' she gasped and was rewarded by being slapped again.
'You don't speak unless I tell you to.' He said. She nodded silently and he smiled at her. 'Good girl,' he whispered. 'You learn fast. I like that.' He caressed her cheek. She flinched and he laughed.

He grabbed her hair and dragged her to a stool that was waiting in the middle of the floor. For a moment she was confused at how it had gotten there, then she remembered there was another guy in the room. She looked towards him pleadingly, but noticed that he was already rubbing at the bulge that had appeared in his trousers. He wasn't going to be any help. She was pushed over so that her belly rested against the stool. The first guy moved around to be standing in front of her and she felt the second guy move behind her.

'I wonder what kind of panties the slut has on?' The second guy said.
'Who gives a fuck?' answered the first guy. 'Just get them off her.'

The second guy did, pulling her panties down past her shoes while she struggled against him. She was slapped again and again.

'Hold still bitch.' The first guy said. He crouched down in front of her, so that he was at her eye level. 'You are going to want to scream,' he told her, 'but it would be best that you don't.' He slapped her again. 'You understand?' She nodded silently. He hit her. 'I asked you a question.' He said.
'Yes, yes. ' She sobbed. 'I understand.'

The guy behind her was pressing himself against her ass. She could feel the roughness of his pants against her skin. He moved away and she sensed that he was undoing his trousers.

'Oh god, please no.' She whispered and she was slapped again. The head of a cock was pressed between her butt cheeks. She whimpered but she didn't say anything. She felt like she was going insane. She needed to trust someone. She needed help. She needed to feel safe again. The only other person that was here was the man in front of her. He was the only one that could help her now.

'Good girl,' the man in front of her crooned and she discovered that she needed his praise. The cock was still resting in between her cheeks and she could feel the guy behind her jerking himself as he pressed it against her. She hoped that he would just want to come over her ass. She thought that she could handle that, but then he moved and pressed his cock against her ass and she fought the urge scream.

The man in front of her kissed her and she allowed him to, giving in to his tongue. The guy behind her forced his cock into her ass and she sobbed her way through the kiss. He pushed his way into her insistently, determined to fuck her ass. She cried quietly between kisses and soothing calm words from the man before her.

'Good girl.' The first guy crooned again and again and he lowered her top and her bra straps from her shoulders. He played with her breasts. Her ass was now full of the second guy's cock and he was rocking into her, his hips pumping his cock deeper and deeper into her. Still she wanted to scream. Still she stayed quiet. Her eyes pleaded with the man in front of her. He watched her coldly. He stood and gripped a handful of her hair, stretching her neck back until it began to ache. He slapped her and she burst into a fresh bout of sobbing.

'You are going to be very nice to my cock now, whore. Very fucking nice.' He said.
'Yes ...Sir.' She stammered. He smiled cruelly at her submission.
'You are a good little slut.' He hissed. He let go of her hair and undid his pants. He was hard and leaking precum. She focused on the droplet in the slit in his cock.

The cock in her ass felt huge. A whimper escaped her each time he pushed into her. She could feel his balls tap her pussy with each thrust.

The cock in front of her looked huge, red and swollen. She looked up at the man who had hit her so many times and reached for the precum glistening on his cock. He held back her hair so he could watch as she nuzzled against his balls and licked at his cock. He pushed himself into her mouth and then let her lick and nuzzle at him again.

The guy fucking her ass grunted, his body tightened and she knew that he was about to come. She concentrated harder on the cock in front of her, sucking him deeper, licking his balls, forcing the man to groan. The cock in her ass jerked and then jerked again. She knew she was being filled with hot semen. She took the cock in front of her deeper into her mouth again. The man grunted.

'No,' she whispered urgently. 'Please Sir, don't come. Please Sir, don't come in my mouth. I want you to come in my ass. Please Sir? Please come in my ass? Please?'

The first man growled at the other to move and within moments, he was filling her ass, his way made slick by the semen of the other man. She whimpered.

'Please Sir, come in my ass? Please Sir, fill my ass with your semen. Come for me Sir. Please Sir, come in my ass?' She begged.


And Mac was biting my shoulders and grunting as He filled my ass with His come. The sheets were clutched tightly in my hands, His fingers had just left my clitoris and I was still coming too. I kept whimpering and I couldn't stop saying 'Please Sir, come in my ass, please Sir?'

Mac pushed me down flat onto the bed and lay over me. I was actually shaking. It took me a little while to stop. He nuzzled against my cheek and His huge hand engulfed mine on the sheet.

'Well!' He said, when I had settled a little. 'That was supposed to be about ass rape, but you are just too damn willing.'
'Hey!' I said. 'That was YOUR story telling making me willing, not mine.'

He laughed. We snuggled. I felt so close to Him. He sighed.

'Sarah, I have four days worth of emails waiting for urgent answers.' He said. I closed my eyes and swallowed the first words that came to me. There is nothing we can do about it. There is no point in us both feeling worse.

'I know.' I said and He kissed my cheek and dragged Himself from our bed. He took His laptop to the study and I stayed in the bedroom and unpacked His clothes, then repacked His bag again, just in case.

So if I don't post for a day or two right now, please know that I will be back, I just need to keep my defences tight. Mac and I will get through this and we will come out the other side stronger and more in love. We will learn and grow from this, because that is the nature of our love.

My belly contracts each time I think of the way He sounded, so wild, when He came.

Oh god. I am blushing again.