To Whom It May Concern,

Re: The 'Mac' vibrator.

I acquired this vibrator some 23 months ago and would just like to congratulate the manufacturer on its excellent performance. Not only is it good in bed, causing multiple and intense orgasms that leave me bathed in sweat, but it kills spiders and lifts heavy objects as well. It opens jars that are too tightly closed and can get things from the top of cupboards that are too high for me to reach. It is handy in the garden, mowing lawns and trimming hedges and digging holes, doing all the jobs I have no inclination to do. It's excellent salary-earning ability has made it possible for a house to be purchased and for me to leisurely pursue my own hobbies, which I would not have been otherwise able to do. It also holds me with a strength that leaves me feeling weak and it kisses with a desire that takes my breath away.

While this vibrator has excelled in all expected areas and even surprised me in areas I had not considered when it was acquired, I do have one or two little suggestions for improvement in any future models. These things are only tiny improvements that would just make life a little easier, (though slightly more boring) on the part of the owner.

First I would suggest that any new model had the ability to put socks into the dirty clothes hamper and not just toss them in the vicinity of said hamper. I have to admit that this has improved over time as I have removed the lid of the hamper permanently so that it has a better chance of them actually hitting the target. I also removed the lid because this model seems to lack the ability to lift the lid to place clothes inside. It feels that putting dirty clothes on the lid is "good nough".

This model also seems engineered to be unable to close a cupboard or drawer after its contents have been rifled in an attempt to find something it has misplaced. On the one occasion that I purposely left its own drawer open for three days before pointing out to it that the drawer had been open for three days, it shrugged and replied 'well, if it bothers you, why didn't you shut it?' I blundered and blustered but it just smiled at me. It knew it had won that one.

Another suggestion I would make would be to dampen the need to collect power tools that resemble or become dangerous weapons. This just scares me.

Oh, and whilst the ability to send a bear is greatly appreciated and much adored, giving it the desire to send diamonds while it is away on business would not go astray.

Please understand that these improvements are not necessary. Mac (as this model is fondly known) and I get along just fine without them, but if you do make another model please let me know, especially if the salary earning capacity and the orgasm inducing ability have been increased.

Yours with her tongue planted firmly in cheek,
Sarah.