Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Mac tried to tell me something important yesterday and if I am honest, I have to say I am not sure I understand. Mac was sitting up in the bed reading when I pounced on Him. He called me birthday girl, which was something that He did all day. We kissed for a little while then teased each other for a little while then kissed for a while more. I love His lips.
We talked then, and I think what He was trying to say was that the closer I am held, the more Sarah I become. I often feel like I put on a facade for the rest of the world except here and except for Him. He said He doesn't want me to let go of that. He wants me to be me. He said I have a propensity to forget that I am worth holding and loving and that sometimes I crave to be treated like dirt. To be fucked and dumped.
It is true. I do crave it at times. I love it and I loath it. It thrills me and scares me. It turns me on and it chills my heart. It's like an itch that gets under your skin and no matter what you try you just can't scratch it. Yet it eats at me emotionally. I can't handle it when it happens. I feel the rejection so strongly and it builds up in side of me until I fall apart.
At the same time, I cannot handle being constantly adored. I am not someone that can handle a lot of affection all the time. I feel like I am always on show. I drown under the pressure of trying to be perfect, of trying to be the goddess that is not permitted a bad day. I become so scared of shattering the image that I freeze, unable to give or accept emotion. I lose a dimension of who I am. It is just too hard to do.
So there must be a middle ground between being fucked and dumped and being worshipped but I cant help but think how boring that ground must be. There must be a line between being an angel and a whore, a slut and a goddess but these are the things I need to be. There must be a fine line between raping me in the orchard and caressing me to orgasm on the couch but I never want it to be just ordinary sex. These must be lines that Mac stomps on all the time because I get to be the dirty, nasty, wicked little slut that we both want in our bed and I am always the princess in His arms.
Sometimes I feel like Mac and I never do anything by halves. We either give it everything we have, or nothing at all. I guess that is why things get so intense around here.
When we were finished talking (and Mac had said all that, I think,) He tucked me into His chest and told me that we should sleep. We were snuggled in real close, practically wrapped around each other. I had slowed down my breathing to match His.
'There are few better ways of going to bed on a birthday than this, how we are.' He whispered.
'Leaking Your semen would make it better.' I whispered back.
'Slut' He grinned. 'I am closer to coming than You think.'
Of course I moved over Him and guided Him inside me and I kissed Him and sucked His tongue, my fingers tangled in His hair. I rocked on Him and squeezed Him and He was closer than I thought. He came grunting and growling in my ear. I kept Him inside me for as long as I could and He let me keep kissing Him. He slid out of me and He pulled me to my back and somehow managed to cradle me in His arm. He stroked my pussy gently, teasing my clitoris and He kissed me and told me that He loved me over and over again. When I came I arched my back and pushed my pussy down onto His hand. While I was still shuddering He kissed my ear.
'Always be mine,' He whispered and I kind of gurgled and touched His cheek.
'As if I have a choice.' I said. He smiled.
He wrapped me up in His arms again and He told me that we should go to sleep. I had no desire to argue and I would say it wasn't long before we were both very sound asleep.
And so my birthday party was a loud and wild celebration with my family and friends and my birthday day was a celebration of just being me. If you asked which one I enjoyed most I would tell you I loved both. I had a beautiful birthday.
I am a very spoilt girl.