Kneeling before Him...
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Friday, October 08, 2004
Brett asked a question about my previous relationships a while back and while I think I have spoken about all the ones that have influenced me in the past, I am going to put them all here now. Although there may have been guys between these ones, guys that I went on dates with or gave blowjobs or hand jobs too, these are just the ones that I actually loved.
James was my first lover and we ended up being together for 2 years. He was very dominant and although neither of us had any clue about domination or submission, it was just a natural part of who we were. I don't think it was either a good or bad relationship, he often took advantage of my willingness to give and didn't understand what I needed from him. We broke up when he told me about his new fiance who was pregnant with his child.
Ian was lovely at first, strong, dominant, in charge, right up until he felt threatened. Then he became a bully and I became his punching bag. I stayed with him 9 months. I don't exactly know how much of my staying with him was because he had such control over me and how much of it was fear for my life. In the end I figured I was dead anyway and my family gave me the support I needed to get away from him.
I kind of refer to him as the ex because I don't want to name him and I don't want to give him a fake name. We were together for two years. At first he displayed all the characteristics that I love in men, strength, dominance, arrogance, belief in himself, but then He sort of dropped all that and I got to see the real him. He was more submissive than me. He was clingy and suffocating and a lot of the time we were together, I felt like I was drowning under the pressure of being this perfect person he had in his mind. If I whined, he would give me anything I wanted. If I sulked, I could control him. I often felt like I held his life in my hands. I would punish him for transgressions by not allowing him to talk to or see me. It really was quite bizarre to me. He cheated on me. Repeatedly. I have no clue how many or who with other than a couple of 'friends' that eventually admitted to fucking him. I have a feeling there were many more. I was mostly blind to it all. I knew that sometimes he would flirt more than I thought was appropriate, but I put it down to different cultures and made excuses for him. I think now, that he was trying to prove to himself how much of a man he was. He felt that notches on his belt made him more masculine. It wouldn't surprise me if I were to find out now that he was not only submissive, but was at least bisexual. I actually think he was as much in love with Mac as I was. In the end I left him because I just couldn't handle him touching me anymore. He needed to be with me constantly. He would call me when he wasn't with me and want to know what I was doing, who I was with when I would be home. When I asked him to leave I had to change the locks, change my phone number and email account and ask him not to speak to me again. It took a couple of months, but he finally got the message it was over when I was dating another man.
About six months into the relationship with the ex, I found out he had a girlfriend. They had been dating about a year. He told me this when he broke it off with her. He then went away for two weeks. I was stunned. I was horrified. I started fucking Nicholas. It was revenge at first. Nicholas was gorgeous and dominant and oh so arrogant and he took what he wanted and I wanted him to want me. I think there is a very fine line between wanting someone to want you and wanting him or her yourself and I crossed that line rather quickly. I hated him and I loved him and more than anything I wanted him to fall in love with me, but he didn't. He was actually sleeping with a number of women all at once and when he got found out, he up and disappeared as quickly as he had first appeared. He was magic at showing up out of nowhere and slipping away the same way. When the ex showed up again, I took him back and was really mean to him for a while. It eased the pain I felt from Nicholas. As far as I know, the ex never knew.
This was my first recognised D/s relationship and just about everything that could be done wrong was. In discovering submission I devoured everything I could find about it. I dug deeper and understood more in two weeks than my dominant had found out in his two years of experience. He asked me to read books like 'The story of O' and 'The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty,' which were fun to read and titillated me, but left me with more questions than they answered. Why were people being hit for no reason? Why was there punishment in anger? Where was the love? Where was the affection? Why was she giving up who she was? Surely that is not what was expected of me? I am a submissive female not a toy to be taken out when ever he felt like playing. I am a human with needs, not just there to satisfy his desires. I would not give up who I was for him and told him so around the three of four-week mark. He begged me not to leave him and sucker that I am, I couldn't go. So after three months, with my questions getting harder and harder, he released me, just like that. As far as he was concerned that ended any responsibility he felt towards me. He then asked if we could still fuck. I was not in a very compliant mood. I have heard that he now lives with a lovely girl and they switch. Apparently he enjoys being her bitch boy on occasion and likes to be caned. To each their own.
I sort of fell straight into Greg's lap from the relationship with the dominant. Greg was lovely and sweet. Not submissive and not dominant either, just Greg. We were really more friends than anything else and we could talk for hours and hours about everything and nothing. On the few occasions we made love, it was beautiful and dreamy and for hours we would shut the world out and just worry about pleasing each other. We broke up because I am too hard to love. He said I was like a gorgeous dessert, one that you craved a piece of because you just knew it would be the best you ever tasted, but after a few bites, you discovered it was just too sweet. He was fucking someone else on the side. Apparently she was a lot dirtier than me. She let him fuck her ass and pull her hair and call her dirty names. I really had to bite my tongue when I heard these things. I would have done them for him too. He just never asked, or took, and it isn't a part of me to make an offer like that.
I think it is safe to say that I pretty much always fall for what I see as the same type of men and once I have fallen in love, you have to treat me pretty damn badly to get rid of me. I don't have the ability to hurt the people that I love, even when I am deep in hurt myself. I remember Ian and how many times I forgave him for the bruises on my body and I remember the ex and the times I forgave him for his fucking on the side. Even now I think I could forgive Nicholas for the way he treated me if He promised to love me forever. Out of them all, Nicholas is the only one I could consider dating again and then I think that is more because of ego than anything else. He was the only one that never really loved me. I know the others did, even if the relationships were screwed up.
I don't really regret loving any of them, not even Ian, as I was able to take something away with me each time. I learnt many lessons about the person that I am and the things that I need and I believe that each of them was leading me here, to my submission, and I wouldn't be the person that I am if I had not had each of them in my life.
I look back and see in my writing that I have made myself the innocent victim of them all and as much as I would like it to be true, I doubt it was the case. I can be an absolute bitch at times and I know it. I can be demanding and whiny and my tantrums can go on for days and days. I can also be so quiet and undemanding that I almost become a non-person. When I was with the dominant the demanding bitch was in charge, when I was with Greg it was the non-person. I probably would have had better luck with both of those had I done it around the other way.
Mac of course won't tolerate the tantrums. I know this because I tried it once or twice. He just doesn't rise to the bait and will not discuss anything with me until I have calmed down. He only lets me be the non-person for limited amounts of time. I know this too because again I have tried it. When I get too sweet for Him, He drags me through the mud to remind us both just how dirty I can get. I am a different person with Him than I have been in any relationship that I had before. I didn't really have to change, I am just not afraid to show Him all of me. Lucky Mac gets the good bits and the bad and because He can handle both, I seem to stabilize somewhere in the middle for the most part and even when my moods do swing, it is never far or for very long.
Mac has been unwell for the past couple of days and while He has been suffering (loudly) in pain, I have been the absolute picture of patience and concern. So whilst I was whining at Him this morning about something insignificant, I found out that good girls do not say 'make me' when they are told to stop. He may not be able to move fast and He may not be feeling really strong, but that look and that tone of voice hasn't lost any of its power.
I don't think I will be trying that one again for a while.