Kneeling before Him...



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Sunday, October 03, 2004

Sometimes when things happen between Mac and me, we see them in two different lights. His perspective is one of a dominant Male (or I as I would say, He is completely oblivious). Mine is the point of view of a submissive female (or as He would say, I am over analysing). Sometimes it is hard for us to see things from the other's side even though we do both try (at times).

When Mac read the blog on Friday, I surprised Him again. He had not known that I had been questioning my submission. He had known that when I hesitated after He had told me what He wanted, when I had not gone to Him immediately and fallen to my knees, that the next move He made would define who we were to me. It was not the first test I had pushed on Him over the last few days. I have been pushing Him in different ways to see what I could get away with. In truth, I was pushing Him before anything even happened. I am not sure why, perhaps I am just like the kittens, and I am growing and there are boundaries and limits that I am going to push.

I have done some of these things in the weirdest of ways like when I slipped the word 'fucking' into a conversation where He had already used it three times. He stopped and looked at me.

'Don't swear.' He said.
'But you did.' I countered.
'Yes. I did.'
'But I am not allowed.' I looked at Him, waiting to see how He would handle it.
'Exactly.' He shrugged. 'Double standards. And long may they live.'

We discussed again yesterday my little attempts to stir the balance around here and He told me He is fine with it, I can push as much as I like, He is bigger than me and will smack me in the mouth when He feels it is needed. I get the feeling that the next few months around here could be fun.

On Friday afternoon, when I was all giggles and girlish happiness, Mac remarked on how content and smug I seemed. I told Him that perhaps I needed Him more than either of us realised. He said that what I needed was to reaffirm my need to submit. I told him that I had not been going to, that when I had hesitated the thought to say no was foremost in my mind. He said that He knew what I was thinking, but He also knew that I belong to Him and He wanted me and, more than anything else, I need to give myself so He took. Then He said something that has been on my mind ever since.

He told me that when He took me, He had known that I would pleasure Him. He knows it is so very hard for me not to when I know He wants me to. What surprised Him was the way I so quickly became subsumed by sex and how completely I gave in to it. I came so very quickly when I was on my knees. We didn't discuss it any further and I wish that we had. I would like to know what He saw in that.

As for me, I have gone from wondering how much of myself I should invest in my submission to Him, to wondering how that part of me will survive if Mac and I ever need to part. I know that I can make it without Mac. I survived before He was a part of my life and I will survive if He was no longer here. I would still be my parent's daughter, my sister and brother's sister, and my nieces and nephew's aunt. I would still be a granddaughter to my grandparents and I would still love and be very loved. But how much of what was left would be the person that I want to be. How much of my contentment would I have to give up? How much of His Sarah would survive? I don't want to let that part of me die, but I am not sure how I would keep it alive without Him.

I know I can't dwell on this, I can't spend my life worrying about what may happen and missing out on the things that are happening. I guess in the end all I can do is make the best of everything we have now and worry about what happens when/if it happens and there is no us anymore.

I have a feeling though, that it is a question that will haunt me in the dead of night for some time to come.

Posted by Sarah McBroden at 7:16 am

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