We had a conversation yesterday just after lunch that has left me with a lot of thoughts. It started so simply, so unexpectedly, as these things so often do.

Mac and I had just finished lunch and He was getting up to leave the table when He said that He adored me. I smiled at Him and said thankyou and that I had needed to hear that. He looked at me for a moment then said that if it helped, He loved and lusted me as well as adored me. I kissed His cheek and sent Him upstairs to work.

A little while later I was sitting at my desk when Mac appeared in the doorway.

'Question for you,' He said.
'Sure,' I said and put down what I was working on and gave Him my full attention.
'Do you feel loved?'

I stared at Him. You see, the thing is, I do feel loved when He is with me. I feel safe and protected and loved and adored. When He is here I feel like I am shining and everything is right. But since the accident, when He is not here, when He leaves, my feelings of wellbeing are not sustained.

When He leaves I get frightened. I am scared that He is not going to come back and it is not that I am scared that something is going to happen to Him. I am frightened that He will decide that I need too much from Him and that He may just disappear.

It is not rational. I know this. It is not even slightly feasible that Mac will walk away from the house and His rugby ball, let alone walk away without even trying to make us work. I know He has a lot invested in us and I don't just mean financially. He has put as much effort into us as I have and given me as much of His heart as well. Yet as much as I tell myself this, there is that nasty little voice in the back of my head that just wont stop telling me that this is the time that He will leave. I didn't know how to explain all that to Mac and I didn't want too. I told Him it was too hard to answer.

'Do you love?' He asked. I didn't even want to try and understand.
'Do I love what?' I said.
'Are you in love?'

Such a simple and easy question, isn't it? But I had absolutely no clue how to answer it. Yes I love Mac, but am I in love? As soon as He walks away from me I put my feelings on hold. I turn everything inside me off. So often of late I have felt that I am in limbo. I have been so deceptive with Mac. I have not told Him any lies but I have hidden the truth behind other things. When He has asked me what is wrong I have told Him that I am busy with other things that are distracting me. While that may be a truth, it's not the truth that He is asking and I really thought that I was fooling Him. He has always told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I am not good at playing games. It's why I rarely try and hide things from Him.

So it all came spilling out, the ridiculous, the irrational, the truth. Mac looked at me like He wasn't sure if He should be concerned or relieved. I really don't think He expects me to be rational anymore and He doesn't really try to understand. He just accepts my little quirks for what they are and tries to ease the silliness out of them.

He kissed me and told me that He wasn't going anywhere. I got frustrated and said that I didn't want Him to go, but I couldn't help it, it is what I feel.

'Sarah,' He said in a no nonsense tone of voice. 'I am not going to leave you. I love you. I can't see that stopping. I lust you almost as much. But I can't seem to convince you.'
'I just sometimes think that Dragons should play with other dragons and not fairies like me.' I sighed.
Mac smiled. 'Dragons like having the gentle side of them drawn out by fairies. It makes them stronger, better.'
I put my arms around Him. 'I love you.' I said.
He held me tightly. 'You are my girl, my Sarah, my baby. My fairy. I am better because of you.' He said. 'I love you, so gently, sweetly, really. Please don't think I am going to leave you. It is not a possibility.' He kissed the top of my head and my eyes. 'Sarah, come back to me baby. Don't slip away. Stay right here wrapped up in us, ok?'

I started crying and He kissed my eyes again. As silly as it seems, I was slipping away from Him. I wasn't going kicking and screaming and I wasn't going to just disappear but I was slowly just withdrawing, little by little. I have stopped sharing myself with Him. And I think if you have read what I have written of late, you will notice it has lacked a lot of passion, because I have stopped sharing a lot of me here too.

'Will you?' He asked.

I shut off all the stupid little voices that wanted to tell me that I can't have what I want, that I don't deserve to be loved this way, that I am somehow wrong to need Him as much as I do and for a moment I listened to my heart.

'Yes baby, I will.'

'Ok.' He paused for a moment. 'Not very dragon-like at times, am I?' He said. 'But I would sooner be judged on how gently I love you than on how loudly I can roar. Knowing how to love you and how to let you love is more important. Anyone at all can make some noise.' He kissed away the tears from my face and held me while I shed a few more.

When I was pretty close to finished He put me aside and told me to stop bothering Him, He had work to do! I rolled my eyes and He kissed me again and went on His way.

I have thought about that question, the one I didn't want to understand. Do you love? Oh yes, I do. I love so much it scares me, it consumes me and it sends me into panic, making me shut it down when it feels too out of control. I need to give it to someone. I can't keep it all inside no matter how much I try and I need it to be accepted by someone that can cope with it. I believe it isn't always easy to be so loved. I don't know if I could stand it myself.

I went to bed before He did last night. He had a few things to finish off before He joined me. I got to fall asleep in His arms and this morning when I woke before Him I went to my room and there was a note stuck to my computer screen.

"I love you, strange crazy creature as you are. Promise that you won't ever change?"

I don't know why this had the effect on me it did, but it felt like my mind was soothed.

I guess it also helps that when I woke Him with kisses, He pulled me closer and made love to me, holding back His orgasm until I ached with the need to make Him come. Now my jeans are soaked between my legs. His semen has made them rather wet. He asked if it was uncomfortable. I shrugged.

'It reminds me you were there.' I said. He grinned.

I think He likes that idea too.