When I was 18 I fell in love with my best friend Kelly. We had a beautiful two-month relationship that fell apart over a man (her boyfriend actually). It left me in a very bad place. I had lost my best friend and my lover all in one go and while that has happened since then, at 18 losing a girlfriend is devastating.

While I was still recovering, I started spending weekends with my cousin Shawn. He is a year younger than me and although we lived close together, he went to a different school and hung out with a different crowd and I needed a change for a while. His parents were often away weekends so I would head over there on a Friday night and come home on Sunday. And before you think about it, no, we didn't go there. I actually found him very unattractive and sex was never part of the friendship.

I did find one of his friend's attractive. His name was Darrell and he and I got along just fine. We went through a few weekends teasing each other and flirting outrageously, which is a long time for two teenage walking hormones. The weekend I decided that something should happen between us was the same weekend that he figured that it should to, and leading up to the Saturday night, we were both impatient to be alone. I know that waiting for Shawn to go to bed was really getting on my nerves.

Finally Shawn said he was calling it quits for the night. Then he told us that his brother Aaron and his new girlfriend would be home soon and that Aaron had asked to have the family room empty so he could make his move on the girl. He said we could use any other room in the house and I remember blushing thinking that he knew. Shawn went to his room and Darrell and I practically raced to the bedroom I always used. We made sure the door was closed so that we would not be disturbed.

He had my top and bra off in record time and I had unbuttoned his shirt so I could feel his tummy against mine. I was lying on my back and Darrell was lying over me and for a long time we devoured each other with kisses. I had previously decided that I was only going as far as oral sex with him for now. I wasn't ready to go the whole way and giving him a blowjob seemed an excellent compromise. I thought that I should tell him pretty soon. Guys can get upset when you let it go so far and then say no. So in between kisses I told him that I wasn't going to fuck him. He just grinned at me and said that it was ok, there were other things that we could do. I was happy that he took it so well.

We changed positions so that I was on top. I freed his cock from his pants and played with it while we kissed. I did that thing where you kiss them all the way down their chest like girls in the books always do. I knelt between his legs and took his cock into my mouth letting my saliva run down the length of him so that my hand had some wetness to work with. I gave him a blowjob just like the women's magazines taught me to. You keep your hand wrapped around the base of his cock and move it up and down in time with your mouth. That way he can't push your head too far onto him but he is still having his whole cock stimulated. I never had a guy complain about that technique, but then I don't imagine too many men complain about any sort of oral sex.

It didn't take long before he was close to coming and I was enjoying it as well. In some part of my brain I registered a car pulling up outside and knew that my older cousin had come home and I forgot about it again. It must have only been seconds later when Shawn walked in.

We hadn't turned the light off, so there was no darkness to hide behind. I sat up quickly and much to my horror, that bridge thing happened between Darrell's cock and my mouth, then it broke and I had spit between my breasts. I used my hands to cover up and so did Darrell, but really, there was nothing left that Shawn hadn't seen. He mumbled something to us about making sure we didn't go into the family room because Aaron was home and turned and walked back out the door.

To this day I have no idea what possessed him to just walk in like that. Even if I hadn't been in there with Darrell, what guy walks into a bedroom with a girl in it without even having the decency to knock? He had already told us not to use the family room and Darrell and I sure as hell were not thinking about disturbing anyone else.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands and concentrated on not throwing up. I had never been caught in such an awful situation and I felt like my world was falling apart. I know now that I was deep into my own melodrama, but at the time I thought there could be nothing worse. If I was hoping for a show of support from Darrell, he soon put that fantasy to rest.

'I suppose that means you aren't going to finish me off,' he whined and his whine convinced me not to. He should have made me laugh or been horrified with me and I probably would have taken care of it, but as his cock was his only thought, I told him to get out of my room. He went, but not quietly and I am sure both my cousins and the new girlfriend heard about what a slut I was. I cried myself to sleep.

I woke early the next morning and at breakfast Shawn made it clear that I was not welcome in his parents house anymore. I couldn't be bothered fighting with him and figured he would calm down eventually and I grabbed my stuff and went home. I never saw Darrell again and I do not feel it was a loss.

But my cousin is my cousin and family are family and you cannot escape them forever. He and I bumped into each other a few times over the next few months. It surprised the hell out of me when he started dating Kelly. I had introduced them while she and I were sleeping together (although no one knew we were sleeping together) and apparently without my knowing it, their relationship had developed into something more. He still refused to speak to me and I shrugged it off. It was just a blowjob and I hadn't been the one that had just walked in.

He did talk about me to other people though and for a while I had quite a reputation amongst his friends. I will never forget the night I was at a party and I was recognised loudly as 'Shawn's cousin, the blowjob girl!' by a semi-drunken man. I made up my mind then that the next time I saw Shawn I was going to tell him what a fantastic fuck his girlfriend was.

I couldn't do it though. When it came to the crunch, I would rather walk away then hurt them both. Kelly and Shawn have now been married for five years and have three children. If I had chosen to be as nasty as him, they may not have lasted at all. I know he has no clue about Kelly and me because the night before her wedding she called and asked me not to tell him. She says he couldn't handle knowing that she had sex with a girl and knowing it was me would make it so much worse as I have somehow managed to become the source of all evil in his mind. That was the last time she and I really talked.

I think about her sometimes, especially when I am feeling lonely. I wish I could call her up and go for lunch, or for coffee, just to catch up and keep in touch, but I know that Shawn would not allow it. I might contaminate her with some evil sexual gene. I guess in a way this should make me laugh, evil nasty wicked little me, but really it just makes me sad.

After all this time, I still don't understand.

Perhaps it is just one of those things that I am not meant to.