Kneeling before Him...
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Amber pre-empted me with her comment on the post below. (For goodness sake woman, get out of my brain! Laughs.) I guess that is what I get for only telling half a story, but my posts have been so long since I have gotten back. I seem to have a lot to tell.
I said yesterday that Mac is enjoying reminding me that He is there for me but really it is a little more than that. The control, His control over me, has been ever so slightly on the increase. I am not even sure Mac is aware of the difference in the way we are reacting to each other, but it is there. I am getting away with so much less of the pushing I was doing. He is quicker to smack me in the mouth and reign me in and funnily enough, the affect this has is to stop me from being quite so smart-assed. He doesn't mind it when I bitch cattily, but nastiness is something He won't tolerate, and it was so easy to slip into it.
He is less casual about where I am and what I am doing which I guess follows on from being in a strange country and wandering around alone. I had to be back on time or it worried Him. I have gone back to letting Him know where I am and when I will be back and calling Him if I am running late or change my plans. I had forgotten the security it gives me to know that He knows where I am.
I walked into His study a couple of days ago and without even looking up at me He asked me to kneel and wait until He was finished writing His email for work. I was surprised. It has been a long time since Mac has asked this of me and a practice we have fallen out of where as it used to be the norm.
I moved to the side of His chair and I knelt. When His email was written He idly played with my hair while He proof read. I was surprised again at the contentment and intimacy I felt. I had forgotten I am able to find these things there.
These behaviours between us are really nothing new. They had just slipped away for a while. I guess although neither of us see these as necessary for our parts in the relationship to be as they are, His domination and my submission exist if I kneel or not, these displays of who we are make me feel more comfortable and at peace with being me.
I think there have been two major things that have sent us back into the way that for me it needs to be. First was my admission that I felt a need to make myself bleed. Mac feels that there is a better way for me to control what I feel and that is to give control to Him.
The other reason I feel that He has made the control more visible and noticeable is because we have been pushing limits with the sex. I will not go into detail about what is happening right now. It is so very personal to me that I am still a little shocked that I confessed it to Mac so this one needs to stay between Mac and me. It is darker and deeper then we have ever gone and even now it scares me. It had caused Mac to worry about me too.
So why have we pushed it that far? Well, it started off simply as sex a few days back, the day He asked me to kneel and wait for Him actually. He began telling me a fantasy of consensually rough group sex and I kept asking for more. The rougher and more violent the fantasy and the sex became the harder and deeper I came and the more I begged for. I was sobbing through each orgasm, holding onto Him for dear life, thrusting myself onto His cock and begging Him not to stop, begging Him to make it hurt more. It stopped where it did because the phone rang and though neither of us answered it, the spell we had been caught up in was gone. He held onto me tightly and let me make Him come.
The phone rang again soon after and this time Mac had to answer it. It was work and He lay on the bed and took the call. I was fidgeting and even though Mac frowned at my wriggling, I couldn't stay still. When the call was over He sighed about having to get up and I practically bounced out of the bed. I was overly happy, overly energetic. I was like a little bouncing ball. Mac went to His study and I pottered around in my room singing along to whatever music came up next. I tried so hard to concentrate on work but I couldn't get anything done. I started thinking about what had been said and done between us and I wondered what on earth Mac must think of me. These were thoughts that horrified the good girl in me, these were things that repulsed the nice girl in me, these made me come and come and come. I ended up sitting there ever so quietly thinking nothing but how disgusted Mac must be.
I should have gone to Mac there and then, but I did not. I did not want to ask what He thought of me. I sat for at least another half hour letting it eat away at me.
Then Mac called me to His study and told me to come and sit on His lap. I eagerly did as I was told. He said He wanted to ask me a question and He wanted me to answer honestly. I told Him that I would. He asked me how I felt about what had been said and done. The words caught in my throat and I almost choked on them. I was very uncomfortable having Him ask this of me because the truth was I didn't know how I felt. I wanted to tell Him I was disgusted in myself and never wanted it again so He would not be disgusted in me, but I also knew that it was a lie, I did want it again. I stumbled over a few words then fell quiet. It was Mac that gave me the words I needed to say.
'Would it be true to say that your pussy loves it so much that you feel in a way your pussy betrays your heart?'
'Yes,' I said. 'That is it exactly. I was also terrified at how disgusted in me you would be.' I snuggled into His chest.
'Oh babe,' He whispered, 'I love you and I adore your sexuality. I couldn't be disgusted in you. You know, I feel almost the same tugs as you do. Part of me wanted to hold you and protect you from the things I was saying and doing, but my cock was throbbing so hard at seeing you completely consumed by the lust. God, I just wanted to give you more. I kept thinking, 'too far, this time McBroden you have pushed her too far', and you kept amazing me by asking for more. Sarah, your sex doesn't disgust me it makes me love you even more for all sorts of strange reasons, mostly protectively I think. It's important for me that you know that.'
I sat there curled up in His lap, listening to Him reassuring me and I realised that I needed that more than anything. I kissed Him.
'I know it.' I said.
'No, you don't always. Your pussy makes you moan and sob and want more than I am giving you, but your heart fears I will be disgusted. I love your heart Sarah. It is your pussy that I want to fuck, but I love your heart. Always remember that.'
And I told Him I would try and He held me a while longer and He let me kiss Him a little bit. He said that the next time I felt guilt over the things that we do I am to remember the way my Male takes His pleasure in it too.
I remember that I had an awful lot of remembering to sift through.
I thanked Him for checking up on me and making sure I was all right. He said that oddly enough, He had felt He needed to. He thought that I would be wondering what He had thought and that He needed to clarify things for me. I said that He had and He said that was good, then He said He had work to do. For the first time in months I held no resentment to being pushed out the door.
The sex has gotten rougher since then and Mac has been careful to make sure I am ok each time He uses my lust to pleasure us and I think the control over the other parts of my life are to help me keep it all in proportion. Neither of us wants it to become an issue for me like it did once before.
I have a feeling it will be an interesting couple of weeks.