Kneeling before Him...
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
I had a flippant little post about Mac and I to post today only I received such a heartfelt response to the post below that I want to comment on it.
I will be honest and say that if the choice of posting it or not had been left up to me, I probably would not have posted it. Mac said that I should but when I had written it I showed it to Him and told Him that I felt this was too personal, that my secret would be dragged through the virtual mud. I have kept this secret for so very long. Mac said post it. He said I would be surprised at the reaction. He said to trust Him that this would be all right. So I did.
And He was right.
I would like to say thank you to each of you that reached out to me in this last day through comments and emails. I think I have come away from this with a better understanding of my feelings. Mac and I had discussed this both in and out of bed for a few days before I posted and neither of us even thought that it could be a way for the mind to cope, a way for me to take control of something that I had trouble with. I know that my anger towards these boys was immense, my teenage sense of justice was outraged and I have to admit to feeling fear. I had at times been an object of attention from these boys. It tends to happen that way when you have breasts bigger than many of the girls their own age.
Of course it is nothing compared to what those of you that have been raped have felt and knowing that in some of you this has been a way to take back control yourselves has given me a lot to think about. For sharing with me your thoughts and your feelings, for opening yourselves to someone you don't know, once again, I would like to say thank you.
Now for the flippant post. It feels like it's time, you know?
We were lying in bed, naked, having a conversation. (Can anyone see what is wrong with this picture?)
We lay there for about 20 minutes just talking before Mac pointed out that we were not fucking.
'I know.' I said. (I am good at noticing these things.)
'Well I guess that is it, then. The magic is gone.' He said.
'Yep, I guess so. All we have to look forward to now is sitting in the back garden on summer evenings watching the flowers grow.'
He sighed and I sighed.
Then He started talking about which Charles Dickens classics He has and has not read as I had just finished Great Expectations. He told a horrible joke about great expectorants and scowled at me when I told Him how horrible it was. He went off on a tangent somewhere else and was happily wittering away.
'Mac?' I said.
'Yes?' I think I startled Him into remembering I was there.
'Want to fuck now?' I asked.
'I thought you didn't want to.' He said while pulling me over Him.
'Am I breathing?' I asked. He laughed. 'Anyway, since when have you cared if I wanted to or not?'
'Well I was trying to be sensitive, woman.'
'Well I won't.'
'Shut up and come for me, slut.'
He bit my fingers and sucked on my breasts and on my tongue. He made me rub His cock against my clitoris until I came then called me easy because I had. He forced Himself inside me and told me that He was going to come all over my tits and made me come again. He pulled me off Him and pushed my head down to suck and nuzzle at His cock until He came on my face and in my mouth. I suckled at Him while He softened. He dragged me back up the bed and kissed me while my mouth was still hot with the taste of His semen.
It was quite nice.
But us, lying in bed naked, having a conversation BEFORE either of us had come.
It wasn't a first, but it happens so rarely that I thought I should note it down.